Totally Abortion!

It’s an election year, which means fundamentalist demonstrations are emerging out of time’s asshole like a giant ephemeral fart, and people are jawing on about all sorts of social issues in an attempt to make whoever they’re arguing with look like complete fuckheads. Among the usual set of moral debates is the whole abortion dilemma (will it ever go away?). This argument, of course, elicits a rabid, draconian response among pro-lifers, who have no qualms about sprinkling dead baby posters all over the country. In January, 10,000 lifers marched throughout Washington DC, and now that summer is approaching we can expect to see a gradual increase in similar rallies across the American Midwest.

Let’s face it: pro-lifers are way better at caring about/marketing their arguments than their pro-choice counterparts. Unfortunately, young people are stupid, impressionable, and bad at forming their own opinions, and teens around the country are getting beaten over the head with the abortion-is-murder stick, without so much as a gentle poke from the I-don’t-want-this-baby stick. It just isn’t fair.

What I’m trying to get at, basically, is that I think pro-choicers should be marketing their point of view to teenagers. Before you get all Antonin Scalia about it, just think for a second: Teens are the policy-makers of tomorrow, their minds are the most malleable, and they are the most horny. Also, I think we can all agree that no one wants kids having kids. (There’s also the overpopulation argument, and if Idiocracy has taught us anything it’s that a future where only the dumb have children is very bleak.) So it is a goal of mine to popularize abortion. Like, not just make it “OK,” but actually “cool.”

Example:

“Tina, are you going to the mall tonight?”

“No Kelly, I have to go get an abortion.”

“What, another one?”

“Hell ya.”

“Ohmygod, jealouuussss.”

[high five]

When I was in high school, abortion was generally frowned upon amongst my peers. But now that I am older, I’ve realized that pretty much everyone I know has had a sneaky fetal expulsion or two. It is awkward, no doubt. But the discussion doesn’t seem to resonate above hushed whispers between two close friends unless it’s being exploited for political means. This results in a very bizarre cultural taboo that I think should be discussed more openly. So I think that in order to make abortion a totally acceptable topic at the dinner table, we need to make it easier to talk about.

Linguistics is our first problem. Let’s consider the word itself: “Abortion” just sounds so intimidating and formalized. Who would ever want something called an “abortion” if you had no idea what it is? Not me. The phonetics of the word should be comparable to that of the word “sneeze.” There should be fewer syllables. I don’t know what this magic new word might be yet, but I’ve thought of a few options:

“Borty,” from the root word, “abortion.”  
The government paid for my borty.
This, however, may be problematic because I believe it’s already slang for a VW Bug in Australia.

“Ruzz-tug,” from the root word “uterus,” plus the word “tug.”
I have a ruzz-tug appointment next Tuesday. Kind of cute… kind of Anthony Burgess.

“Pussy-sneeze”
Yo, you gotta pussy-sneeze? Cuz you still fat.

Please, I invite you to share your suggestions in the comments. Wouldn’t it be great to know that you were the person to come up with a marketable slang alternative to this icky word?

The next step will be associating positive imagery with the pro-choice movement. As you may have noticed, I spent an entire workday making graphics on Blingee.com. These sorts of websites should be utilized to their fullest potential. Any chance to begin a dialogue in the online world, anything to subconsciously saturate the youth in abortion positivity, should be taken advantage of by all means. Tweeting, tweeting, queefing, tweeting.

Dr. Morgentaler (one of the lead proponents of the pro-choice movement in Canada) is 89 years old now, but I’m sure he could figure out how to use a computer and start herding in the followers. The guy is just right, no matter what he says, and people need to realize it. He grew up in Auschwitz and then opened his own abortion clinic, and he didn’t give a fuck. He’s survived an incalculable amount of protest-related death threats and bombings, he’s been to jail a bunch of times, and he has the smile of a leprechaun beauty queen.

Someday soon all the kids will be decorating portraits of Dr. Morgentaler with flashing fuchsia hearts and sparkly butterflies. He’ll be like the new Jonas Brothers.

The internet is a viable proving grounds for our cause, especially because I don’t think pro-lifers are too web-savvy. I’ve been subjected to numerous pro-life demonstrations outside of my house, but never inside. The internet is basically just waiting for this to happen.

The next step would be high school tours, obviously. Here’s a little something to get your imaginations rolling:

Moderately energetic lady with nice hair and business suit walks onto auditorium stage, projection screen behind her.

“Hey everybody, I’m here to talk to you today about something really important. Something I like to call “quality of life.” We all know what happens when a man ejaculates into your mother’s pussy and then you get born, right? Well WHAT IF—get this—Mom had no money, just started college, hated relationships, and wanted to spend a year backpacking in Europe? We would tell her to get an abortion, now wouldn’t we? Everybody gets abortions. I’ve had an abortion, you in the front row there, you look like you’ve probably had an abortion…” and so on and so on.

With any luck, in the year 2150 there will be no more humans left and we can all share a deep sigh of relief. Er, wait, I mean, maybe in the year 2150 people will be able to have abortions and not feel remotely bad about it. Yeah, that sounds a lot better.

If you’ve felt inspired by this message and would like to get involved, please contact me @totallykara and then go jerk off and cry yourself to sleep. I don’t want to be the only one.