Uggs are cool. Really cool. I know you think that only the worst kind of heinous bitches with crinkly hair, baby-pink hoodies, and denim mini-skirts wear them, but that’s your own hang-up and not a flaw in the shoe itself. In actuality, they’re a perfectly symmetrical, simply-designed, comfortable-as-hell boot. I think they’re the future (I’ll explain that in a bit). If you think you’re too hip for Uggs, just go to one of those mega-shoe stores they have in Union Square that only tourists go to and try on a pair. Your friends won’t catch you because they’ll be too busy at some dumbshit Williamsburg place buying cool, expensive shoes with dumb straps that pinch your toes. You really don’t want to see your friends when you first put Uggs on your feet, because you’re going to cum your pants and make an O-Face, and that would be super embarrassing. Uggs are that comfortable. They’re like being in the womb.
I’m not exactly sure when everybody decided that Uggs weren’t going to be cool. It was sometime during the Bush era when we were inundated with lots of decadent, weird, post-modern crap that didn’t make any sense or look “normal”—things like Paris Hilton and reality TV and bedazzled cell phones. I don’t know if you remember, but Uggs were really fucking cool when they first came out. I think the Olsens wore them, as well as Goldie Hawn’s daughter—rich “boho” people like that who wanted to look too expensive to give a shit about tying their own shoe. Kate Moss definitely had a pair. Then something shifted. Blonde Hollywood hos like Nicole Richie (before she lost weight and got fancy), Tara Reid, and Britney Spears started wearing them, accessorized with trucker caps and Frappucinos. On college campuses all across the country, the most hungover girl in required bio class wore them every day because her daily outfit revolved around sweatpants and walks of shame. They got an unfairly bad rap.
But I’m starting to think that the dark days are over, and we can finally embrace the Ugg for what it is: an intensely comfortable shoe that makes a lot of sense. Now the most awful people in celebrity land—Kim Kardashian and the Real Housewives and shit—all wear Jimmy Choos. Even Snooki wears high heels when she’s at a club throwing Appletinis at the bartender. It’s cool again to look like you don’t give too many shits when it comes to your outfit. And that’s why the Ugg is so great! Ever watch Star Trek: The Next Generation? In the future, everybody wears just super simple body suits that match because they are so busy FLYING AROUND IN SPACE that they don’t have time to worry about their outfit. Let Kim Kardashian try her hardest to look hot. You think Lieutenant Deanna Troi of the USS Enterprise gives a fuck how high her heels are if she might end up on some crazy swamp planet or imprisoned by Romulans? No. She’s got to be able to run fast. Uggs are a step towards a universal shoe—simple, comfortable, easy to slip on, slip off. They all look the same. They all feel the same. They’re the Coca-Cola of shoes.
Unfortunately, there are still many obstacles to overcome in making the Ugg cool. In fact, the obstacles that are tripping up Uggs are the same things screwing up a big part of the population. One of the many reasons why hipsters are sooooooo stupid is that they just don’t like new stuff like Uggs. They just can’t embrace a new shoe. They’re too busy making pickles like they did in old times. And their bullshit gets passed on to the rest of the population. In the last decade, we’ve seen Crocs and Uggs and those shoes that outline your toes emerge as absolutely brand new innovations in shoe technology. They’ve invented whole new forms of the shoe—a Croc isn’t just a new version of an old shoe, it’s a completely new thing. Never been done before! That’s cool! Companies are literally taking huge strides (pun intended!) in making you comfortable but you won’t see them in Brooklyn. Dumb hip idiots are still wearing Converse because The Ramones did. Who cares!? Three of them are dead, maybe in part due to bad arch support. And have you read the news? Global warming is about to do insane things to the planet—I want giant corporations working on technology that will save my feet from acid rain and shit. You think Vans will be a good shoe for the apocalypse? Fuck no.
Take one trip to the airport, the contemporary version of human hell, in a pair of Uggs and you’ll realize how stupid it is that you spend so much of your energy looking cool, energy you don’t have because your spine isn’t well-supported by canvas shoes with no heel. You’ll glide through TSA screenings, flicking your Uggs off with ease while some schmuck in Red Wings holds up the line. Sure, loggers in Portland looked good in Red Wings in the 1960s, but they also didn’t get strip-searched by some woman named Wanda at JFK while everybody watched. Your feet will feel toasty and warm when the airplane’s AC makes everything feel like a flying refrigerator. You’ll be more comfortable than anyone else on the plane. Modern times need modern mechanizations. Modern times need Uggs. Uggs are cool.