SEX - FIVE SIGNS YOU SHOULD TRY VAGINA
This week the sex section of my column is dedicated to a specific audience: women who thus far have only slept with men, but have a growing suspicion that they may be attracted to women. There's not a guidebook to figuring out your sexuality, some people have always known, other people have to experiment and ultimately learn to accept themselves. Whatever color of the rainbow you end up identifying as: straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, queer, or none of the above, if you're a confused lady solely boning dudes, you're never going to figure it out until you stop acting like a pussy and try eating some. Below are a few indicators that maybe it's time to bang your first lady:
You watch lesbian porn and you fucking love it - I know some lesbians who hate mainstream lesbian porn, because it's usually straight porn stars who can't act for shit doing things designed to turn men on, but there's also some high quality material on the market. If you find yourself increasingly selecting girl on girl porn to masturbate to -- BREAKING NEWS: WOMEN TURN YOU ON!
You understand what Lady Gaga meant in "Poker Face" - Unless you're a Mennonite, you've heard by now that "Poker Face" is about Gaga trying to keep a straight face while fantasizing about a woman to get off during sex with a man. Ever find yourself being pounded by a penis and imagining he's a hot tattooed domme wearing a strap-on instead? Perhaps you should stop imagining and change your OkCupid sexual preference.
You find yourself aroused by women when going out - You know how certain people just exude sexuality? Well, for a lot of truly straight women, such Angelina Jolie types induce jealously. However, if you're into women, they often simply turn you on. This was one of the first times I remember acknowledging that I wanted to have sex with girls too. I was at some college bar and there was this sex goddess across the room, and some bitchy chicks were talking all this shit. Think Kristen Wiig's initial reaction to Rose Byrne's character in Bridesmaids. I just kept wondering what her vagina might taste like and how cool it would be to see her boobs. Pay attention to your urges and emotions. If girls turn you on, go with it.
Boys are really starting to gross you out - Boys fart a lot and will call your pussy things like a "bearded clam." Also, too often men get lazy in bed and rely on what I refer to as "penis-oriented-sex," where they just sort of fuck you without giving your lady bits the attention they need to orgasm. (Sorry gentlemen of the world, I realize I'm making some generalizations here.) If you're fed up with smelly boys, why not try girls? Sex with other women can be more emotionally connected, mutually gratifying, and vagina-oriented (well...duh) than sex with men. (Again I'm speaking in generalizations, women can be greedy in bed too.) Yeah, sometimes just getting straight up used by whatever gender is hot as hell, but sometimes us girls want to feel like a princess and not just a cum hole.
Levy Tran - Okay she isn't a "sign you should try vagina," but if you don't want to at least make out with this chick you have no soul.
You may discover that pussy is just not for you. As fancy as oysters are, not everyone was born with a taste for them. Or maybe you'll sleep with your first girl and orgasm more intensely than you ever have in your life and feel like a deaf kid who heard music for the first time. You'll never know until you try.
DRUGS - I FINALLY TOOK AMBIEN
I've struggled with insomnia since high school. It runs in my family. I remember one month during my freshman year of college where I barely got an hour of sleep a night. And yes, this was before I tried cocaine. At the time I relied on shitty over-the-counter sleep aids like Tylenol PM and Sominex which didn't do much other than make me extremely groggy. I should have seen a psychiatrist and gotten some real help because it was seriously affecting my school work and relationships, but I guess I figured if I saw a professional I might have to actually acknowledge some real emotional problems.
A few weeks ago I flew back from Australia and the jet-lag brought my insomnia back in a major Tyler Durden way. After about a week of no sleep I found myself spending most of my time either crying or laughing hysterically for no reason, unable to write, and wandering the city with random pieces of bacon in my purse. After trying every other method I could think of with no success, I finally talked to my doctor about Ambien. I know, a lot of you have had bad experiences and it can be addictive and dangerous, but you know what's even more dangerous? Me walking the streets of New York after a week of no sleep without a helmet.
I've heard the recordings of dudes who take Ambien and see baby dragons flying around their room, and the horror stories of people jumping off balconies or sleepwalking to a bar and fucking a stranger or booking flights to Thailand. All I did was fall asleep. The first night I took it, as I drifted softly to sleep, I imagined myself and all my fellow insomniac writers holding hands to form a giant beautiful snowflake. Then I had a really hot gang bang dream. No sleepwalking, not even a funny Ambien Tweet in my sleep. I was a little disappointed. One funny thing did happen, I peed the bed. I drink water obsessive-compulsively, my bedroom looks like that little girl's from Signs, so I often wake up in the middle of night to pee. Not on Ambien. I slept right through and wet my my boyfriend's fucking bed. Whatever, urine is sanitary and he changed the sheets.
ROCK 'N' ROLL - RENNY WILSON
If my sex section was at all successful in convincing questioning chicks to touch some boobies, Renny Wilson is going to undo all that and have them craving a whiff of male pheromones inhaled by burying their face deep into his body hair. Even if that man hair is all sweaty from being locked up all day in a Canadian Tuxedo, as Renny is especially fond of wearing (when he puts a shirt on, that is). He actually is Canadian, hailing from Edmonton, Alberta. I'm not sure if that makes the all denim more or less acceptable but whatever, he pulls it off.
Renny describes his debut album Sugarglider as "A film starring Hall & Oates set on a cruise ship with Donna Summer playing the woman of interest. Competition for her love nearly tears them apart, but they soon find out she and her accomplice, played by Paul McCartney, are plotting to sink the ship! Also, Al Green is the ship's resident crooner."
The album is relaxing and sexy with disco elements and plenty of sax. My Renny sexual fantasy involves a thrift store disco ball turning very slowly, bouncing light off of two frosty mugs of beer. He'll then strut across the room, locking eye contact, and hand me my glass. He'll put the vinyl copy of Sugarglider on, and whisper in my ear that I'm the first girl to hear it. Despite his somewhat dorky looks, I have a feeling Renny could get a girl wetter than Prince can. I realize how ridiculous this all sounds, but somehow nothing about Renny or his music comes off as corny. I suppose it's because he's Canadian.
Sugarglider comes out January 22, 2013 on Mint Records. Watch the video for "Could've It Been Me?" below. If you want more, you can download the single "By and By" here.