Little-known fact: Any American citizen can petition their local police department and request a ride-along. This means that you will literally be riding along in a patrol car, in a real American city, witnessing real, actual crimes. It’s like Law and Order, only without the boring Order part. And it’s in 3-D. And actually occurring in real, physical reality. Plus, you have to sign a waiver! PROS: Completely free adventure, just for you, just because you were smart enough to read this article.
CONS: There is a remote chance that some shit will go down.
HOW: Contact your local police station. Start with the community-affairs bureau, if they have one. Programs vary greatly from city to city. 2. HIKE THE GRAND CANYON
No big deal here. It’s just that Mother Earth spent the past two billion years grinding and twisting the Colorado plateau into the most breathtaking natural wonder any human being has ever laid eyes on. No biggie. There are bigger canyons elsewhere (Mars). PROS: Grandeur, exercise, enchantment, bragging rights, risk in tourist-friendly doses, possible public sex under the vastness of a quite-visible Milky Way.
CONS: You might emerge from this experience a better, more well-rounded person?
HOW: Bright Angel Campground (928-638-7875) costs $5 per person per night, plus a $10 permit. See the URL at the bottom of this article for full info, including how to arrange mule rides. 3. DRIVE A DRIVE-AWAY
Q: When do you get to legally use a stranger’s car as your own personal magic carpet? A: When that car is a drive-away. It’s an astonishingly simple concept. Someone moves to another state, and the drive-away company contracts you to drive their car to them. You get a free tank of gas and an allotted time frame and number of miles. It’s basically legalized carjacking with a happy ending. PROS: All the good bits of touring in a band with none of the work, drunks, smells, mind games, downtime, or privacy issues.
CONS: You need to be 23 or older and have $350 for the refundable deposit. Some of the solo night drives might get a little Twilight Zone-y.
HOW: See the URL at the bottom of this article for full info. 4. BECOME AN AIR COURIER
This is like #3 but for the planet instead of just one country. Businesses sometimes need packages delivered faster than mere ASAP. Commercial flights can be cheaper than airfreight but require a live human escort for all cargo. Accordingly, the courier company brokers the arrangements and sells the courier (you) a ticket at a huge discount (generally 15 percent). The courier flies to the destination nation, chaperones the goods through customs, relinquishes the goods in the airport, and proceeds to whoop it up in an insanely exotic country not of their own choosing. PROS: Spending the day in Kuala Lumpur with no money instead of at home with no money.
CONS: You will need to fly out of a major city, on very short notice, with no checked luggage. And you’re not getting paid, so stock up on complimentary airline peanuts.
HOW: See the URL at the bottom of this article. Scammers abound, so do your due diligence. 5. BECOME A GUARDIAN ANGEL
Giuliani Time (and Curtis Sliwa’s long stint as a radio personality) didn’t really slow down the Guardian Angels. It’s the same old international organization of volunteer crime fighters it was in the 80s: red berets, street patrols, citizen’s arrests, karate training. You won’t get to do any traveling as a Guardian Angel, but you will see parts of your own city that might as well be a late-night postapocalyptic Syfy original movie. PROS: This is the closest you will ever get to being a crusading vigilante, let alone a full-fledged superhero.
CONS: You are going to get slapped by a wino.
HOW: www.guardianangels.org
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Chasing storms is essentially the rugged cousin of performing live music: long drives, hobby-level expenses, long-shot payday opportunities. But you will be seeing far prettier parts of the country than if you were in a band, and honing your hydroplaning chops to boot. Good God, imagine the next time you’re at a party and you tell everyone what you do for kicks. I envy you!!! PROS: Standing ten blocks from an F4 tornado is more exciting than playing with the guy from Animal Collective’s side band.
CONS: You may get a large strip of aluminum siding flung through your abdomen.
HOW: No training needed. Please consult the URL at the end of this article. 7. BECOME A FREELANCE PAPARAZZO
This is the rich, sexy, creepy older uncle to being a storm chaser. A lot of work goes into celebrity hunting. There’s deep competition, high legal and physical risk, and the odds are stacked against individuals selling photos without agent representation. But it is entirely possible for a lone photographer to fetch three-to-six-digit checks for a single picture. You’ll just need the right picture. Plus, you’ll be getting lots of fresh air and exercise. And digital cameras get smaller and cheaper every month. And you could be the first paparazzo to turn “Say cheese!” into a catchphrase. PROS: At least you’re not in a street gang.
CONS: Technically, this makes you human garbage.
HOW: Read Paparazzi by Peter Howe. Search eHow.com for “how to sell paparazzi photos.” Spend 20 minutes online researching tabloid contacts. Buy a camera. 8. HUNT TREASURE
Treasure hunting in America is older than America itself. A lot of loot lies under the United States. There’s the $50K buried by Captain Kidd off Long Island, the $200K hidden by John Dillinger in the Midwest, and a million in gold nuggets interred in a washtub, in 1879, somewhere in South Dakota. By some estimates, $4 billion have been misplaced or concealed in this country alone. You know where there is zero hidden treasure? Inside the shitty, shitty bar where your band is playing next Tuesday. PROS: Buying your first McMansion with pirate jewels.
CONS: It’s going to be a real challenge viewing your new neighbors—lawyers and stockbrokers all—as anything other than colossal suckers.
HOW: Seriously, go to the URL at the end of this article. There are lots of websites, listing lots of treasure hunts. Just pick one. There’s enough for everybody. 9. EXPLORE A DESERTED ISLAND
The United States is 3.7 million square miles big. There are a lot of deserted islands here. There’s Nomans Land (Massachusetts; unexploded ordnance), Burlington Island (New Jersey; burned-down amusement park), Plum Island (Wisconsin; 250 shipwrecks), and High Island in Lake Michigan (former cult home, buried treasure). Many of these places are illegal to visit, highly accessible, and unguarded. Then there’s Robins Island, a 435-acre oasis of primordial wilderness in Peconic Bay, just two hours from Manhattan. The tycoon who owns it (and occasionally uses it for pheasant hunts) will never know you’re there. Maybe combine this adventure with #8 or #12. Circus Island?!? Did I just give you that idea for free? PROS: Catch that Mark Twain reference in the intro? You now have the opportunity to live that.
CONS: Snakes, bears, boars, rats, wolves, tarantulas, the mysterious stick-men left by your campsite every morning.
HOW: Check the URL at the end for a long list of islands. 10. BECOME A PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR
Licensing varies wildly from state to state. If you live in Massachusetts, for example, you’re going to have to jump through some hoops to make PI. In New York, there’s an exam. If you live in Colorado, Idaho, Mississippi, South Dakota, or Wyoming, you can become a private eye simply by announcing that you are a private eye. Either way, it’s not all fun and glamour. A normal private investigator traffics in a great deal of human misery. You can correct this situation by keeping your overhead low (hold off on the office with Venetian blinds) and waiting for the right cases to come to you. Here’s a quick guideline: Infidelity = NO. Missing emeralds = YES. PROS: Just picture your business cards.
CONS: Cheating husbands get upset when snooped on.
HOW: See URL below for state-by-state info. 11. GO CAVING
The nice thing about exploring caves is that there is a wide range of difficulties to match every experience level. You can start with dinky limestone caves and slowly work your way up to talus, ice, and lava caves. Equipment is minimal, and mostly optional if you feel you are a badass. This is limitless adventure, available in every state. PROS: There are no noise bands under the earth’s surface.
CONS: Bats, C.H.U.D.s, falls, drowning, albino molemen, stalactite impalement.
HOW: Join the National Speleological Society ($40/year) through one of its 200 local chapters. www.caves.org
This is the gold standard of American adventure, but it’s changed a lot in the past few decades. In the old days, you could pack a bindle, flip off your sleeping parents, and run away to join the circus. No more. These days, respectability has taken the edge off the whole endeavor. Ringling Brothers wants a résumé, “clown college” is apparently a real thing, and people use the Shriners as a de facto internship program. It’s perilously close to a job. The solution here is to start your own small big top. There are dozens of such micro-circuses in this country, and they all pretty much make their own rules. And with attendance at $20 a head, it’s the financial equivalent of a music fest where yours is the only band playing. PROS: Travel and thrills without that hostile interlude in the van after your guitarist gets drunk and Godzillas the drum kit onstage.
CONS: Clowns, lions, pies, fire, public humiliation. And circus tours involve many of the hassles and downtime of band tours.
HOW: consult the URL below for resources. 13. BECOME A PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR
Being a ghost hunter takes serious grit. Choose this only if the other 19 options bore you. With a bit of documentation and some good (?) luck, you and your ragtag crew of Mystery Machine explorers will be on the road to YouTube glory in no time. But please do have fellow explorers. Don’t try this by yourself. PROS: More adrenaline than #6, #16, #17, and #19. Wide-open marketing possibilities.
CONS: That moment when your inner five-year-old asks, “Why are we in this abandoned abortion clinic at night?”
HOW: FlamelCollege.org offers online paranormal-investigator “certification” for $95, which includes a textbook and EMF meter. Or you can buy an EMF meter on Amazon for $59. Please get an EMF meter. 14. JOIN A KIBBUTZ
This one involves a few more hurdles and a bit more commitment (although, in theory, you can walk away at any time). You need to be between ages 18 and 32. You’ll have to pass several interviews. You’ll need to pay for a visa, insurance, medical records, administration fees, and a flight to Israel. It’ll cost about $2,500. Although it’s actually a lot less once you factor in free room and board and the monthly $100 stipend. If you like your living communal, your work assigned, and your privacy scanty, than kibbutzim time may be the adventure-lifestyle choice for you. PROS: Hey, at least you got to travel.
CONS: This sounds like a fucking nightmare.
HOW: www.kibbutz.org.il/eng 15. JOIN THE MERCHANT MARINES
This involves a bit more commitment than the last one. Five years, to be exact. Technically, the United States Merchant Marine is a civilian auxiliary of the Navy. It’s not a uniformed service, however, and basic quality of life has increased dramatically in the past 200 years. There’s no killing, no boot camp, no fatigues. If you can pass the physical (including screenings for acne, asthma, and stuttering) and have decent book smarts (1070 SAT/2.5 GPA), you can make good money hauling cargo across the seven seas. But beware: Drop out within five years, and the regular Navy gets you. PROS: Imagine how good it’s going to feel stepping off that gangplank in Singapore and straight into a Tom Waits song.
CONS: Squalls, tedium, the Kraken.
HOW: See the URL below. 16. HOP A FREIGHT TRAIN
How far are you from a train yard at this very moment? That’s how far you are from adventure. And although this particular adventure format is confusing and filthy and surprisingly heavy on rules (see the link below), it’s also a great way to get over your phobia of being crushed under massive wheels. Plus, you are going to meet some characters. PROS: Free travel in its rawest form.
CONS: You will have to enter the middle of the Venn diagram linking the worlds of Normals, Hobos, and Serial Killers.
HOW: Kindly refer to the aforementioned URL. 17. TRACK BIGFOOT
You’re too good for Bigfoot? Maybe Bigfoot is too good for you, chief. Seriously—camping under the stars, hiking the pines of the Pacific Northwest, following those elusive, musky footprints: All these things are exponentially more exciting than practices, shows, or tours. And then you get to sell your photos for big bucks? What? (Although the odds are against your having any actual photos to sell, the big money here is in writing and merchandizing, something you’ll be eminently poised for as an authentic Big Foot tracker.) PROS: All you need is a camera, camping gear, and rudimentary survival skills.
CONS: Increased risk of Sasquatch Sexual Rampage.
HOW: Have we mentioned the URL at the end of this article? 18. JOIN A DEMOLITION DERBY
Transform a lifetime of bad decisions and badly managed rage into 12 terrifying minutes of joy. There are lots of regional organizations, lots of arcane rules, lots of options for destruction. And unlike passive-aggressive onstage band-member hissy fits, there is nothing passive about this show of primal infantile id rage. PROS: You got here just in time. This “sport’s” days—like fossil fuels—are numbered. And who knows what kind of dangerous explosions the new nitrogen/Mr. Fusion/Synthetic Biofuel-powered vehicles will make when they ram one another?
CONS: You are going to need a lot of cars (maybe combine this with #3?).
HOW: Check the URL for organizations and contacts. 19. BECOME A FREELANCE DAREDEVIL
This is sort of a companion piece to #18. The next logical step after you’ve demolished your car is to demolish your body. Unfortunately, Jackass and YouTube have flooded the market with amateur daredevils. Meaning you have two options: 1) Go legit (stuntman school, meaning: a career, meaning: Why are you even reading this article?) or 2) Super Amateur. Think up something totally insane that no one has thought of before. Last year, a British cyclist became a web sensation with “bike parkour.” I think you can do better. PROS: The Large Hadron Collider is going to kill us all anyway.
CONS: What’s your take on debilitating physical pain? You like it, right?
HOW: There’s some stuff at the URL. But really, this one’s kind of your job to figure out. 20. BECOME A CARNY
Aw, hell. Why not make it a triple play? After all, Mad Max didn’t give up in Thunderdome. Even then—broke, carless, beat to hell—he was willing to do whatever he needed to do to make ends meet. You’ve tried everything else. Why not travel with a carnival for however many years you have left? PROS: Really? You actually think this is less dignified than playing to six drunk Dystopia fans in the basement of the Punkin Patch House in Billips Falls, Iowa?
CONS: You are going to have to have a lot of sex, often in less-than-optimal conditions, and with less-than-optimal partners.
HOW: Do this: