Wanking To The AFL Grand Final

A few days ago, we asked our friend Kiri if she could have a wank over the Hawks vs Swans AFL Footy Grand Final and tell us how it went. Why? Because it seemed like a waste of sweaty, metrosexual jock flesh and man-on-man butt slapping not to. Also, we just wanted to know if she'd do it.

As it turns out, the biggest day of Australia's sporting calendar is way more sensual than people give it credit for. Especially when you add a joint and copious amounts of hand moisturiser.

Here's the play-by-play.

2.26: So I was super nervous, thought I’d have a joint to get in the mood. But now I’m really stoned, too stoned to concentrate on the guys kicking the ball. I have well and truly cooked it.

2.27: Looked up pictures of the guy from Parks and Rec to try and get a wide on.

2.30: Is there sexual tension between the Sydney players? Red is a sexy colour. The lady singing the national anthem is pretty-good looking for a mature woman. Maybe hit the J too hard, I’m having trouble concentrating.

2.33: Not feeling too sexy yet. Trying to Google image search Buddy Franklin. He has a delicate, pert butt. Like a Latina babe.

2.35 First goal! I’m rewarding myself with some moisturiser, here we go! Thanks Hawthorn!

2.40: Adam Goodes is having an anti-effect on me. He looks like the count from Sesame Street,  I think it’s the hair line.

2.43: I think Sydney will take this by 17 points, I should have put a bet on.

2.43: I wonder if the female umpire is wearing a sports bra.

2.45: Buddy missed, can’t afford to miss those buddy.

2.46: Bruce McAvaney sounds like a bitch; I would totally make him my slave and make him give me a running commentary of me beating him.

2.46: Johnson is pretty cute, maybe it’s the feminine Bambi eyes.

2.47: Someone got a goal, time for more moisturiser!

3.01: Shit, my friend dropped by. Super awkward. I quickly hide Vaseline moisturiser and put my pants on.

3.02: Whoops, my fly is undone.

3.05: Friend tells me I smell like sex. I ask her why she isn’t watching the footy, apparently lesbians hate football.

3.20: Cigarette break and I’m back, another joint and a couple of glasses of wine in. Friends have left and pants are off.

3.32: Sydney got another goal. Having a pretty Goodes time, only going to touch when Goodes had the ball. When Goodes touches, I touch.

3.38: Buddy’s hair looks like a lambs tail.

3.45: Half time. Temper Trap are playing? Lead singer has a sick bomber jacket. So on trend.

3.50: The singer’s rat tail is killing my buzz.

4.00: John Longmire looks like he’d know what he was doing.

4.02: So much good Goodes. Uh oh, here we go.

4.40: Okay! Passed out after the Vaseline, footy grand final maz. Woke up and my room smells like vagina, beer and menthol cigarettes.

4.42: Swans are in front so I’m stoked, but also feeling a whole lot of shame.

4.43: Thanks boys, you were great.

More Footy? - Choosing a Side is Hard