Strange News from the North

Watermelon Attacks, Rogue Cows and Dog Sperm Thieves

By Toby Fehily

Car bombs tore through Iraq this week, killing 17 people. In Darwin, a man climbed on a bus and attacked a bus driver with a watermelon. It was on a Wednesday, on a routine Buslink route, by a standard stop at Hibiscus Shopping Centre at lunchtime. A 53-year-old man began arguing with the driver over a fare and was ordered off the bus. Turmoil erupted. According to a friend of a witness, the man "pulled out a watermelon and was making the driver flinch a few times before smashing it over his head."

The fruit assailant, Raymond Jones, pled guilty in court the next day to aggravated assault and disorderly behaviour, owning up to downing a 700ml of Wild Turkey bourbon before climbing aboard. In his defence, lawyer Eugene Schofield had argued that, "while a watermelon is a thick-skinned fruit, it's nevertheless a more porous weapon than most that come before the court on a daily basis."

All bus routes are now back online, the bus driver managed to escape with only watermelon-induced neck, back and shoulder pain. Despite the assault, fruit continues to be available for purchase by the public at greengrocers throughout the Territory.

Here are the rest of our highlights:

- It seems motorists aren’t safe either. Following the three fugitive pigs who terrorised Bagot Road in Darwin, the roads plunged into chaos once again after reports emerged of four cows occupying Tiger Brennan Drive and Tivendale Road. One motorist collided with a bovine and sustained significant damage to his vehicle. The cow was fine. "Tiger Brennan Drive is 100kmh and these are tough pieces of animals," warned Darwin Watch Commander Senior Sergeant Smith. Going on to remind citizens that a collision with a cow could cause fatalities. "They need to be moooved on," he told NTNews.

- A dog sperm thief struck Bakewell, Palmerston on Monday, unlawfully snatching jizz from five-year-old Siberian husky Komet. Peering into the backyard, Komet's house-sitter noticed a female dog receiving an unauthorised boning from Komet. Owner Jessica Pickering, who is currently on holidays in Melbourne, is outraged. "For someone to steal dog sperm is a pretty low act," she remarked.

- Darwin residents Telita and Dean James have named their newborn son Stephen Danger James so later in life Stephen may be able to say, "Danger is middle name". Worse yet, Telita says that if Stephen was a girl they would have called her "Matilda Chilli" so that later in life Matilda could have said, "Please stop teasing me".

@TobyFehily

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