Controversy is brewing on the internet because Nina Metz of the Chicago Tribune successfully trolled the entire universe by publishing a stupid, rambling diatribe about how properly heckling a stand-up comedy show makes the show more memorable and fun. Some comedians and their friends got upset about that, because it totally sucks to be a stand-up comedian even when everything is perfect, and having to stop in the middle of what you’re trying to say in order to deal with some vodka-soaked mouthbreather sucks worse, and having bottom-rung cultural arbiters from a dead era of journalism ostentatiously theorize about how you should live your life sucks the most, especially when they’re wrong. But left out in the cold in this debate is us: the pigfucking clods who yell things. And I think it’s time we shared our voice.
I DIDN’T EVEN HAVE A DOG! DO YOU KNOW IT?
Look, the world is hard. It’s awful and mean and incomprehensible, and when it’s not those things it’s boring. So we drink. We drink a lot. We drink almost all of it. Is that a crime? No, it is not a crime except if there’s a thing called public drunkenness but nobody gets in trouble for that unless it’s like they’re also insane. So: we drink. Today we had some beers and some shots and that one time there was I think a gin and tonic. Alright? That’s just what we did. Now we are at a comedy show. How are we at a comedy show? We don’t know. We did a thing and gave some money to a guy and now we’re here now, OK? Dan knows it. It’s Dan’s thing. We’re gonna do it.
YOU HAVE A BUTT FOR A FACE. YOU’RE A BUTTFACE MAN.
Shhhhhh! OK! Everybody says we should be quiet because the other people paid to get in too and they want to see this guy talking. We get that. We toooootally get that. OK? We know that. But come on. It’s good. We’re good. We’re not even doing anything we’re just talking. He is talking, we are talking. Same same. I don’t know what the big deal is. This guy is not even funny right now. Dan says he is funny. Dan is mad at us. OK we’ll be quiet. But we are funny too OK? We can talk too because America.
I CAN TALK IN AMERICA. DAN.
We know what’s going on, OK? This talking guy needs us. If he didn’t have us he wouldn’t have anybody to talk to, OK? So we’re not letting him talk and just listening, but that’s OK. We can talk too. It’s just talking. We don’t have to listen just because everybody says listen. We can talk too. When I was four years old I pooped on my Dad’s briefcase. You don’t have to just poop in a toilet, you can poop anywhere, OK? You poop in a toilet because it’s a nice thing to do but you can poop anywhere and the poop will still come out. Like with talking. You can talk anywhere if you want, OK? I’m pooping. Oh my God I thought I was pooping.
I THOUGHT I WAS POOPING BUT YOU’RE TALKING.
If I’m so bad how come everybody is laughing right now? I said something funny? I can do it too. We can do it too you guys. I read about this in the Chicago Tribune recently. I have it delivered to my house because a Hispanic teenager told me it was for a job and I gave him money. And then I go to work and I read it online too because I hate looking at good websites. I read a thing on it. It said we can do it too. We can do it too you guys. But then I read another thing online that said the person from the Tribune was a cunt and we shouldn’t do it, so I’m confused. I’m confused. I should not have had that gin and tonic. I’m gonna puke. Probably gonna puke.
YOU'RE MAKING ME PUKE. HEY. YOU MAKE ME PUKE THINGS.
OK, time to go now. Now it’s time to go. OK Dan.
OK TIME TO GO NOW, YOU ARE FUNNY YOU ARE GOOD.