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Cereal Dust Milkshake
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Jamie: First sip was alright and then quickly became not alright. The bits down the bottom… normally when you get a milkshake with a blended up Dime bar or whatever it's quite nice, but mushy cereal getting stuck in your straw and then stuck in your throat isn't pleasant at all. And then the aftertaste was disgusting.Do you think maybe it was our fault/my fault that it didn't taste nice? Do you think I made it wrong?
I'd hope that you were following the recipe to a T.I did.
Well, then it's Gary and fucking Alan's fault, isn't it.Would you drink it again?
I would not.So, not a fantastic result. No matter; maybe it's me and my cooking skills, which are akin to those of an incredibly wealthy toddler. Fuck it, on to the starter.
The Party Hedgehog
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Jamie: It was genuinely one of the most disgusting things I've eaten in my life. It reminded me of the time I had Chinese frog legs at a really bad Chinese place in Brighton a few years ago and it was exactly the same feeling I had there. It was a mixture of apprehension at eating it—a psychological thing—so you're already not feeling great about putting it in your mouth and then you put it in your mouth and all your fears are confirmed and it tastes absolutely disgusting. Just, everything that could be wrong with it is wrong with it. And then you gag.
It was a genuine "get that out of my body" gag. It was really disgusting. I like pickled onions, but the pickled onion, the Cheerios, the cheese—all in the same crunch combination—was completely untenable.Do you think it was a texture issue more than a flavor issue? Soft cheese, crunchy Cheerios…
It was very much both a texture and flavor issue. Just a complete lack of foresight. Obviously once they'd written that combination down—I could see what they were trying to do, it's kind of a harking back to their childhood.
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No.Great. My one-person dinner party is going to shit. That's two dishes I've painstakingly prepared for this ungrateful cunt and not even gotten a sniff of a compliment. Christ, Gary and Alan, what on earth have you gotten me into here? If this was Come Dine with Me Dave Lamb would be giving me a right old pasting. Maybe, just maybe, I can salvage it with the main.
Shredded Sausage Wheats (or Shreddage Rolls)
Jamie: That was actually OK. At a push I would eat that again. If I hadn't eaten for a day I'd be quite happy to eat it, I think.
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Bacon is savory. I'm trying to think what other cereals could make that better. That was probably the best one for that, in terms of mains. I mean, maybe you could do something like you see on Heston Blumenthal, getting fucking cornflakes and encrusting a chicken Kiev with little bits of it.I feel like Heston would make it good because he's a real chef, whereas Gary and Alan from Cereal Killer Café aren't real chefs and are just like, a couple of fucking jokers?
Valid point.The only thing they know how to do is buy and sell cereal. And I don't think that gives them carte blanche to make a cookbook, you know?
I agree wholeheartedly.So you would eat it again?
I would eat that one again if I was like on the verge of death from not eating anything for quite a while. Like a desert island situation, stranded out at sea, rescued by a trawler sort of situation.So would you not eat any of the other things in the same situation?
I mean, I guess I would.I wouldn't eat the cheese-Cheerio-thingy combination even if I was seconds from death.
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Orange You Glad I Didn't Order Milk
Jamie: I'll go back to what I said I earlier. I see what they're trying to do with this. It's kind of their most thought out of the dishes I tried today. It was a riff on a Jaffa Cake I guess, or a Chocolate Orange—combining a couple of elements of chocolate with a couple of elements of orange but it just didn't really work. Also, orange juice and cereal is just a terrible idea.Yeah, it's fucking gross right? Do you think it could have been improved in any way?
Milk. It's a very simple answer to that question.They've taken something that could have been nice and made it shit for laugh, haven't they?
It is a weird thing to do—actively turning people away from the idea of enjoying cereal, considering their business model.
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No, not through any choice of my own.
Alas, no. I inhaled a bit of oniony sausage, and as soon as it touched the sensitive nerves on my tongue I felt a great sickness come over me. I was embarrassed.All my nightmares had come true and I'd lost the respect and adulation of my peers. My reputation as a chef has been dashed, perhaps forever, and there's only two cereal trolls responsible. You really fucked me, Gary and Alan of the Cereal Killer Café. You really fucked me, and I won't forget it.Follow Joe Bish and Jake Lewis on Twitter.