If using the miracle of science you were somehow able to transform what I truthfully know about R. Kelly into urine, it would not even cause a solitary urinal cake to turn soggy. Basically all I'm going on is that he's from Chicago, possibly can't read, maybe pees on people, and is the greatest non-intentional comedian to have ever lived. Oh, and he was married to Aaliyah (God rest her beautiful soul) when she was like five years old. And yet still, I find myself fascinated by him, and wanting to submerge myself into his life force, which is why I took my sex lover to his show on Friday night at the Theater at Madison Square Garden in New York.
Aside from this being my first time seeing R. Kelly perform live, it was also my first time going to a show at Madison Square Garden. Our tickets said the show was being held at the Theater at Madison Square Garden, and I wasn't sure what that meant. Turns out it's a smaller - off shoot of the larger MSG stadium, which meant that even though we had shitty seats, we ended up having pretty good seats because the joint was fairly small and intimate. When we first walked in and presented our tickets, the guy who took them said something like "tonight's your lucky night," and we thought maybe that meant we were about to get nice and pregnant, but that ended up not happening.
We got there a little late, so we were only able to see the last song of Tamia's opening set - but it was emotional. When Tamia cleared the stage and the house lights came on, it wasn't long at all before a voice came over the loudspeakers counting down to R. Kelly appearing before our eyes. I can't say that I've ever seen a show that had a countdown before the main act, but it really ramps things up in a special way, and I was excited about it.
The crowd this particular evening (and I'd venture to say for the majority of his shows?) was almost 95 percent female, and from the moment R. Kelly started singing, till the moment he left the stage, they were losing their minds and soiling their under things over his smooth ways. He came out wearing a white suit situation with a light up message going from one arm, across the back, that could have said "smooth sailing," or "deez nuts," but actually said "SINGLE V.I.ME." This could literally mean anything, and if you know what it means, please let me know, because I do not know.
And now, I will toss the review over to Lindsey to finish up because I can't stop thinking about my turkey leftovers that are waiting for me in the office refrigerator. Lindsey, what am I forgetting to say about this show?
Lindsey: The waiver the cage fucker signed (1), the audience's actually amazing singing talents (does that sound white?) That mid-show he read his set list and explained there'd be 52 more songs. The karaoke part (where he literally sat on a stool for ten minutes and played his songs while the crowd sang). The dudes there seemed like they were on Ani Difranco dates. It was really hot in there. His obsession with the audience getting their money's worth. Also, I think you were peeing when he said "I wish Obama the best. I wish I could get a hug."
(1) At one point during the show, R. Kelly vanished, and the reappeared with a shapely young female who he dragged on stage, had sign a waiver on a clip board, and then mock-humped in a big cage.
It should also be noted that so much of this show, particularly the set design, was seemingly intended to make a person think about panties.