We Went to Blackout and Got a Penis Placed Upon Us
Oct 15 2012
Almost exactly a year ago, I wrote a thing about how I was offered a couple of passes to the infamous Blackout Haunted House, and could literally not find a single VICE staffer to drag their pussy ass through it. This year, I resolved to not only force myself to confront my biggest fear (having a foreskin presented to me), but to force my co-workers to go along with me on what ended up being a true fact-finding mission; that fact being that Blackout really is just a bunch of flaccid penises, with also at least three sets of boobs thrown in for fun.
When I sent out my email to the creators of the Blackout event, asking if we could be granted upwards of ten passes for free, I was honestly hoping that they'd say no, or at least say that yes, we could come, but in like a month or something. When I got an almost immediate reply saying that we were all set and could pick a date to come as soon as a week away, I wanted to cry, crap, and then die in my own crap. The weeks leading up to us going were spent exchanging fearful stares and head shakes. Only an idiot would want to go through this thing. Good thing we're all idiots.
The day that it was all set to go down included three immediate flake outs (I won't name names, but you can email me if you want to know who the yellow-bellied VICE staffers are) and about 57 beers a piece. The sun set way too soon, and we all piled into a car and headed over to get tortured for fun.
I would hate to ruin the event for others by going over the details of what happened during the 30 minutes you spend ALONE inside of Blackout, but I will share the post-event interviews I conducted with the poor chumps I made go with me. Maybe this will help you determine if you're brave (or sick) enough to make it through.
Jonathan: Definitely had a dick on me. Pressed up against my thigh. Felt like he might have even had a semi, or maybe he just had a big penis. Shit, just realized I'm still wearing those same pants from last night. Gross.
Sasha: Definitely at least one and a half penises. I think I only had two boobs on me, and they belonged to me. But people are obviously more afraid of dangly bits than boobs, so I guess that makes sense.
Kathleen: Yeah I had a penis rubbed on me twice, but I think it was over plastic and it wasn't hard. That would have been weird.
Josh: There was and I thought it was cool! I really respected the actors' courage and exhibitionism, and was kinda jealous that I couldn't be naked too.
Ryan: A bloody boob came very close to touching me. As for a dick, it was tucked behind the guy's legs and I don't think it made contact. He did lick my neck, though, which is about as intimate as his dick touching my leg.
What was the first thought that entered your head when you entered the first room?
Harry: "Whoa! Hey, OK, I'll face the wall. This is a lot like being arrested."
Jonathan: As soon as the guy pulled me in he told me to put my hands on the wall and started smelling me. I was pretty drunk, and I remember wondering if he could smell the booze on me. Thinking back on it now though, I'm pretty sure that guy had a gas mask or something on.
Sasha: "Oh, well this is happening now. Fuck." Also, "Is this person going to try to put a digit inside of me? Because I AM NOT DOWN WITH THAT."
Kathleen: Was it the smelly, naked guy who wanted to dance? That wasn't so bad...
The SS Doctor Who Converted to Islam and Escaped the Nazi Hunters
This Guy Is Trying to Collect Every Single Copy of the Movie 'Speed' on VHS
Bad Cop Blotter: Is Obama Finally About to Use His Pardon Powers to Set Prisoners Free?
Weediquette: T. Kid the Cannabis Cup Judge
The Passion of Kim Kardashian
Reality Bites: Did Oprah Winfrey Actually Expect Lindsay Lohan to Find Sobriety on a Reality Show?
Weediquette: The Cannabis Republic of Uruguay - Part 1
London Is Turning into a Depressing and Dumb Stock Image City
Here Be Dragons: Sorry, Everyone, Making Fuel Out of Seawater Isn't Gonna Save Humanity
Seven Important Truths About How the World Takes Drugs in 2014