What Is Abbott’s Cabinet Really Thinking?

The Prime Minister* seems to have bought himself some time with his National Press Club address, fending off leadership speculation for at least a 24 news cycle, or, as it's currently known, the fifteen minute news cycle.

Many said that this was the most important speech of his political career, that it would determine his future. The PM's speech, titled "Not Gon' Quit, Yo", seems to have done the job simply by existing, which was a relief to the PM who knew the content wasn't that good. He did outline his plans to be more consultative with his colleagues, but he didn't know how well that would play out given he hadn't shown the speech to anyone.

But Abbott proved he hasn't yet hit the wall, despite his documented history of doing so. But has this changed the plans or ambitions of any of the Abbott Cabinet? We spoke to key members of Parliament, all of whom spoke under the condition of anonymity, so we ask our readers not to repeat this information anywhere.

* At time of writing, Tony Abbott.

Joe Hockey: There's a rumour going around that Tony and I haven't been getting along too well. There was that argument about the Medicare rebate leaked the other week that could only have come from me or Peter Dutton. And I refuse to throw Dutton under the bus, but he definitely did it. Tony and I are fine. I have no designs on the office of Prime Minister. I don't mind waiting for my turn at bat. After all, I plan to stay in Parliament until I hit retirement age, which should be the year 2105 or so. Plenty of time! For now, I'm loyal to Tony and he's loyal to me. Even though he slapped me down in front of everybody when I criticised Western Australia's performance. And even though he praised all the ministers the other day, he sort-of forget to include me, the Treasurer. And then a week later he basically took credit for all my achievements because he's the "captain" or whatever. In fact, fuck that guy. I'm challenging tomorrow. Bring me my most Prime Ministerial cigar.

Christopher Pyne: I must object to this baseless scuttlebutt about sir being in trouble. It's just the media starting rumours. Did you not see his National Press Club address? He told the media to stop being so negative. Replacing sir is just the latest nonsense in your scare campaign. It's all you and the ABC. No wonder we're selling off the ABC for parts next year. Wait! Forget that. Don't tell anyone I revealed that. Please. Where are you going? I'll scream! Listen, we can make a deal. What do you want to know? Who the next leader is going to be? Okay, but I'll only tell you if you print that I was 100 percent behind sir. But that might not look good to Prime Minister Bishop. What if she punishes me? Just write down that I support the Prime Minister completely, but wait a few days before publishing it. Don't say which Prime Minister. Just say I support the current one. And I stand by that.

Julie Bishop: Yes, the Prime Minister and I had a discussion last night, but I never reveal the content of private conversations. Nor private ballots, nor a list of ministers who would support me in the event of a spill, nor the look on Tony's face when I dumped that shit on the table. I couldn't reveal any of that. Look, I understand why people are so excited. I've been fucking nailing international diplomacy. Oh, is there an Australian journalist detained in an Egyptian prison under some bullshit spying charge? Leave it with me: he'll be sipping champagne on a private jet this time tomorrow. That timed out pretty well, huh? Not for him, I suppose. Four hundred days sounds ghastly. But I'm looking pretty good to you right about now.

Scott Morrison: Before you laugh at the idea of me as Prime Minister, let me lay out an argument that none of you can refute. Are you ready? Good. Look at my record: as Minister For Immigration, I cracked down on people trying to immigrate to Australia. As Minister for Social Services, I promised to crack down on people trying to get access Social Services. Now, I have no specific designs on the Prime Ministership, but let's say I did become Prime Minister. Think about it: I'm not getting off the front bench any time soon, and I'm incredibly cruel to any group you put me in charge of, so where would you want me? That's right: Prime Minister. Minister in charge of all the other Ministers. If there's one thing I've discovered you people hate more than refugees and welfare queens, it's politicians. As Prime Minister, I promise to get rid of all of their payments and lock them in a prison on some loser island. I can't help it. IT'S WHO I AM.

Mal Brough: After hearing reports about this so-called "Brough-mentum", even I had to Google myself. And boy, was I surprised! This whole time I thought I was Warren Truss. It explains why people stare at me blankly when I say "You know who you can Truss!" and then wink. I'll need a new saying. "Hey baby, do you like it Brough?". That might not play to everyone, but we're spitballing here, just spitballing. No such thing as a bad idea, which is the line Tony keeps using in the party room to defend his policies. Speaking of which, have you heard he's on the way out? This could be a really good opportunity for me if I seize upon this opportunity and challenge him. Just think of it: "Prime Minister Warren Truss" Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it? Wait, not Truss. The other guy. Bruss. No. Brough. That's it. Prime Minister Warren Brough. I think that's something we could all really get behind.

Malcolm Turnbull: Don't act like you don't want me. I've seen you checking me out. Your eye drifts over the conservative front bench, and you come to a stop when you reach me. Pro-gay marriage. Pro-acknowledging climate change as being real. You can't resist me. I've been sitting back, waiting for everyone else to implode so you can beg me to save the day. Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull is inevitable. President Malcolm Turnbull… well, let's just see. But for the time being, let's elevate me as far as possible within the system of governance we already have. Thankfully, the Left still hasn't cottoned onto the fact that I'm such a fiscal conservative, I'm going to cut Federal funding to the Everything. But the Right is so desperate for a win, they're now considering me to be a viable option. It's great! We all know that once I'm in office, nobody on either side will be happy, but that's the sort of steadiness and equality that Australia is craving. Sure you might not like me, but the people you hate don't like me either. And in this country, that sort of mutually-assured unhappiness counts as a win. Anyway, all of that was off the record. When are we doing the interview?

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