What Animal Would You Marry?
Sep 21 2012
Cory Bernadi is a South Australian senator who made the country super uncomfortable last week when he compared same-sex marriage to bestiality in a senate debate. Which is ironic, as most people would rather fuck a dog than Cory Bernadi.
This hypothetical animal love-in got us thinking about how a lot of animals are in fact, pretty good potential spouses. They’re loyal, protective and exotic. As for bestiality, hey people used to think exposed table legs were shocking.
We hit the streets to see what people think of tying the knot with a four-legged friend, and maybe even consummating the marriage.
VICE: If you had to marry an animal, what would you choose?
A bear, they’re big and strong. And kind of in line with babes at the moment, big and burley with beards.
What if it was just sex, no romance?
Probably a dolphin then, assuming I’m a dolphin too. I hear really good things about dolphin sex, they’re one of the only animals that have sex for pleasure. They do weird stuff with their fins.
Does it have to be a real animal?
I think the Bandersnatchwould be pretty cool.
Did you just make that up?
No it’s from Lewis Carroll’s Through the Looking Glass.
Oh, freaky. Could you bring your self to bang a Bandersnatch?
I’m not sure, well I guess if I marry them I’d eventually have sex with them to consummate the marriage. So yes, in that situation, I could.
David, 59 and Cathy, 57
Cathy: A cat.
David: The best looking animal I could find, a peacock. I’m basing it all on appearance, I couldn’t go past those feathers.
What about to have sex with?
Cathy: Can it be as an animal? It’s too confronting otherwise.
Okay, if you can’t bring your self to comprehend bestiality, it can be the sexiest animal from an animal’s perspective.
Cathy: I’d stick with a cat, I guess I already married a cat.
David: Yeah I’d stick with the peacock, consummate the marriage.
It’s good to see people not wanting to cheat on their animal partners with other animals.
David: Yeah, you have to be loyal, that sums us up.
An elephant, I could ride it around and they seem really gentle despite being large. I like gentle giants.
But what about when it came to having sex? It you were going to hook up with an animal wouldn’t an elephant be a bit much?
That makes it more complicated, probably not an elephant then. I’d go for a chimp, at least I could tell myself it was as close to a human as possible. I’m basically just trying to justify my bestiality.
I’ve actually thought about this before, I’d choose a dog. They’re loyal and lovable.
You’ve already thought about this? Have you thought about what animal you’d have sex with?
Not until now, but I’d go with a giraffe, they’re the most elegant. Kind of like the models of the animal kingdom, they’re all neck and legs.
That’s a good answer.
Yeah I have actually thought about it before.
I Dressed Like an Idiot at Fashion Week to See How Easy It Is to Get Street-Snapped
The Ultimate Basic Bitch Tournament
The Future of Our Gay Neighborhoods
VICE Vs Video Games: It’s Not Enough to Make 'Good' Video Games Anymore
There's a Social Network That Costs $9,000 to Join
The Islamic State Threatened America by Making a Shitty Video
The Atheist Movement Needs to Disown Richard Dawkins
Police Keep Raiding Australia's Cannabis Capital
Portraits from the Biggest Flea Market in Prague (and Maybe Europe)
Tao of Terence: Psychedelic Drugs, Art, Music, and Other Drugs: An Interview with Finn McKenna