Would You Rather was my favorite parlor game where we’d to try to out-torture each other on Poker Night. It’s a Sophie’s Choice. You had to pick one. The worst I ever got is someone made me choose Would I Rather have sex with Michael Jackson or my father. I had to modify it for this column, since these are kids.
First we’ll have Would You Rather with the girls answering; the next column will be Would You Rather with boys.
Sadie and Belle are 10; Neighbor Girl is 8.
VICE: Which would you rather: Get the tip of your finger cut off for sure, or your eye poked with a knife and you might recover completely or you might not?
Sadie: Tip of your finger. Your eye would hurt in an uncomfortable way. Like pins and needles. Like a little speck of pain, but it’s all concentrated in that little speck. That’s even worse than a whole bunch of pain spread out.
Neighbor Girl: Pinky!
Remember girls, with the eye you wouldn’t definitely lose it, but with the finger, when it’s gone, it’s gone.
Sadie: You could get a mechanical finger!
Neighbor Girl: Yeah, a mechanical finger! But you can’t just get a new eyeball! You’d be eyeless! For the rest of your life!
Would you rather eat a whole plate of rotten, moldy spaghetti or go to sleep in a bathtub of ice cubes?
Sadie and Neighbor Girl: GO TO SLEEP IN A BATH OF ICE CUBES!
Sadie: It would feel refreshing. Plus, I wouldn’t feel it anymore once I was sleeping.
What if you froze to death?
Neighbor Girl: Not if you had candles on the side of the tub. The heat would melt them, and you’d say, “Where’d all my ice go?! I had a whole package in here!”
If you had to go on a date, would you rather go with a werewolf or E____ [a nerd at their school].
Sadie and Neighbor Girl: A WEREWOLF!
Sadie: E____ picks his nose all the time.
You’d rather go with a werewolf than with a guy your own age who’s human who picks his nose?
Sadie: I’d go with a werewolf my own age.
What if he ate you?
Sadie: My date wouldn’t eat me!
It’s his nature. He can’t help it. He gets crazy.
Sadie: He’d eat other people. People who tried to hurt me.
Neighbor Girl: If you don’t hurt your werewolf, he won’t kill you.
Is this the kind of guy I have to worry about in a couple years when you girls start dating?
Neighbor Girl: Yeah! You shouldn't date your boyfriend. Going out with a werewolf is definitely all right with me. But going out with an ugly guy who picks his nose… not a great idea!
No boyfriend of mine has ever picked his nose!
Neighbor Girl: You don’t see him! He hides in the bathroom and picks a big clump and stuffs it in his mouth!
Good God, why are you planting these nightmarish images in my mind?!
Neighbor Girl: Maybe I’m thinking of something else, not your boyfriend. One time I was at the Jenny Thompson Pool, and I was in the shower and I saw this girl naked and I saw her front cheek! And I was all, “UGH! I’m gonna puke!” I just speed-walked. Speed-walked out of there.
What does this have to do with anything?
Neighbor Girl: A werewolf naked attacking me?
Now you give me a Would You Rather.
Sadie: Would you rather pick your nose and eat it for two hours without stopping—
I want the other, whatever it is!
Sadie: —or puke and have to sit in it for an hour.
The puke for an hour.
Sadie: This deep. Up to your neck. And then you have to swallow a tiny bit of it at the end.
Is it mine?
Sure. I’ll take the puke.
Neighbor Girl: Would you rather fall down a cliff and die or swim in your puke for ten million hours and not stop?
Well, am I going to survive at the end of the puke swimming?
Neighbor Girl: Um… no.
That’s a good question. You would think I would want to jump off a cliff, because then I wouldn’t have to have ten million hours of swimming in puke before achieving the same result. But I think I’d rather be alive longer, even if I’m swimming in my puke and then dying. You know, I could have some beautiful thoughts.
Sadie: And you wouldn’t be that sad when you died.
Yeah, I’d be like, “Thank god that’s over.” If you had to choose either 100 days of darkness, no light ever, or Ms. P______ for your teacher for another year, which would you choose?
Belle: P______. She wasn’t mean to me. Only to other people. But when she yells.
You’d rather have 180 days of yelling than 100 of darkness?
Belle: What if I ran into something I’m not supposed to in the dark?
If you had to choose between putting your hand in the garbage disposal when it’s on or having a really ugly face, which would you choose?
Belle: Ugly face. I wouldn’t want to torture my hand! Ugly-ugly or just ugly?
Belle: Ugly face.
If you could either never have dessert again, or you can have dessert for the rest of your life, but you have to eat 50 desserts today, no matter how sick you get, which would you rather?
Belle: Never have dessert again.
What an odd creature you are.
Belle: Would you rather go without shoes for the rest of your life or go without brushing your teeth for the rest of your life?
No shoes. And then I’m moving to Hawaii to walk on the sand for the rest of my life.
Sadie: The sand there is really hot and it will burn your feet.
I’ll travel by helicopter, then.
Sadie: You have to step onto the helicopter pad with your bare feet touching everybody’s germs and dog poop and spit-out gum.
Better pain and washable feet than gross teeth. I considered the no-brushing… have my teeth pulled and get dentures. But I’d rather have naked feet and move to Hawaii.
Previously - What Kids Say About Souls