What Makes the Best Pet?
A Table, Turtle, or Steak?
Tyler, the Creator recently called Vice out via Twitter for ignoring that video of him eating a cockroach and hanging himself that got 50 million views or whatever. So we said, “OK, bub, if you feel neglected why don’t you write something for us. You don’t even have to physically put it down on a piece of paper. You’re saying weird shit all the time. Just come up with an idea, walk around with a tape recorder for a few minutes, and get someone to type what you said into a computer or phone. We are a magazine, after all.” A week later he emailed us the rumination below and said he wanted to write captions for photos Terry Richardson took of him and some of his Odd Future buds. We happily obliged.
Which is a better pet? A turtle, table, or steak?
Some turtles are really fucking evil. They want to take over the world and keep all the water to themselves. I recently saw this documentary called Rango, with some nigga named Johnny Depp narrating it, explaining how corrupt land turtles are. Sea turtles are usually cool (example: Finding Nemo), but those land muthafuckas are shit. Look at Super Mario—they tried to kill the princess! And Bowser is a big-ass stank nigga. So, no, overall turtles don’t make good pets. They will try to kill you in your sleep and doo-doo in your sneakers.
Tables are really nice. They listen to your worries, hold things for you, and you can boo-boo on them and they will not complain. The first table I had was named Hemphrey. He couldn’t speak English too well, but Hemphrey was the nicest table I’d ever met. He died from a heroin overdose. So, yes, tables make great pets, just keep cool shit like heroin away from them.
Steak. So good. Well-done steaks are well mannered. Raw steaks are just like the people who eat them. Musty. So, steaks can be good or musty pets. Choose one and choose wisely.
Overall, tables are the coolest pets.
Golf Wang, bitch!