Hi, I’m Brian. Welcome to Tubesteak, a regular column where I talk about penises mostly and what I do with mine and what you should do with yours. There will also be some discussion of cocks, cocksuckers, cuckolds, and maybe, just maybe, a clitoris or two. Or, in the case of this article, underwear. But, honestly, mostly just dicks.
Congratulations, you have convinced some poor fool to come back to your house from a bar/party/awkward OKCupid date and tricked them into thinking it's a good idea to have sex with you. (That's the reason we call them “tricks,” btw, because there is always some sleight of hand.) Now it’s time to take off your pants and immediately reveal everything your prey needs to know about you. While we all know dick size is really the only thing that matters, first impressions are pretty important too, and anyone who takes home a male lover is going to first judge him by the style of his knickers.
So, what exactly do different types of undies tell us? Listen up, broseph. (I said that ironically.)
If you wear boxers, you are one of three types of people. 1.) You never left your dorm room without wearing a baseball cap—probably white and most likely with the brim all frayed. You wore those baggy bloomers under your "relaxed fit" jeans from the Gap (or Old Navy if you were on scholarship) and now they're under the pleated pants of a cheap suit that you wear to your job in finance, real estate, law, or something else that has to do with money; 2.) You've eaten sushi off a naked woman before; 3.) You live in an urban environment, wear absurdly baggy pants and miraculously belt them somewhere around your mid-thigh so that you can show off what lies beneath. You are especially proud of your choice in underwear and enjoy the fact that no one wants to sit next to you on the subway. You wear a backpack.
If you are none of these people, then you are my dad.
The state of your briefs says just as much about you as the fact that you wear briefs. If they are new, clean, well kept, and without stains or holes, then you are the kind of guy who takes pride in his appearance. Perhaps too much pride. And speaking of pride, you've been to at least one Gay Pride event, possibly showing off those briefs of yours. You're not gay, necessarily, but gay guys like you. This is especially true for briefs that come in colors or patterns. The louder they are, the more likely you've done CrossFit. If your briefs are tighty whiteys bought at Target or Walmart and are holey, worn out, and a total mess, then you are a momma's boy who needs to get your life together. Dump that girlfriend you’ve had since high school and give up chew. Also, get some damn OxyClean already. No one calls them tighty vague-bodily-fluids-y. So you either care too much or you don’t care enough. Hooray for you.
You're just all things to all people, aren't you, Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch? But no, really, you're just average. This is what you are, just a bland person who does what the media and fashion industries tell you to do. You're the kind of person who bought a Wii and played a few rounds of tennis, but now that shit just collects dust under your television. You like mashed potatoes, football games, beer, pussy, and everything else that everyone else loves. You will never be rich, but you will never be poor. You'll die working on a home improvement project in your garage. Speaking of your middling boring life, you are also average in the schlong department, and this is the best way to hide it. You also need a haircut.
If you’re not, you know, an actual jock, then you are a bottom. But you're not one of those nelly queens trotting around in her light loafers with her wrist on a perpetual swivel. No, you're one of those leather bar, fisting party, facial hair butch bottoms. You might even be a bear. You tell people that you're versatile, but you can only cum with something in your ass. Either way you own an electric beard trimmer, have spent more than one weekend in Provincetown, have some sort of tribal tattoo somewhere on your body, like people to think you're really into at least one sport, and know all the lyrics to "Everything's Coming Up Roses." It's a good thing you're a bottom, because your ass looks phenomenal.
It's hard to say if you're crazy or a sex fiend, but you definitely have issues with boundaries. You're the kind of guy who will fuck the girl your best friend is trying to pick up and not even realize that it might be a problem. You also aren't typically employed, are probably on the younger side, and you don't think gravity has any effect on you (it does, saggy nuts). You definitely own a skateboard, torrent porn just about every day, and have a great appreciation for the outdoors. You've been hiking and actually enjoyed it. One day, your wife will eventually force you into boxer briefs.
Briefs with the Ass Cut Out: Queen, please.
Previously - My Very Gay Night at Very Straight Strip Clubs