White Bitch Guide to Rappers

We've been covering a lot more hip-hop lately, and realized the white girls who only read VICE to make sure they're not a "don't" don't know who the fuck we're talking about. Here's a handy guide for all my white bitches on the hottest rappers. 

A$AP Rocky

A Libra, Rocky is from New York (Well, he spent some time living in New Jersey, but we can forgive him for that). Despite his hometown, Rocky's music isn't traditional East Coast rap but rather a hodgepodge of styles, much like the sale rack at Urban Outfitters. Rocky's voice is smooth, and I mean smooth, like how your vagina feels after a Brazilian. Think how relaxed you feel after two Ativans and a hot bath. That's A-$-A-P.  He loves blunts and 40s, but don't worry, he can also afford some really good champagne and blow ever since he signed a three million deal with Sony/RCA back in October of 2011. Along with a gold grill, A$AP enjoys wearing Calvin Klein classic briefs and Gucci loafers. He's not such a big fan of PBR tall boys though. (Too soon?)

Azealia Banks

Azealia is a Gemini. A New Yorker, she's a Bethenny-level badass betch. She's bisexual and adorable, as I've written about before, but don't worry ladies, she has no interest in your uptight pussy. Azealia enjoys marijuana and Chanel. Azealia got her start in off-Broadway musicals and was classically trained at the LaGuardia High School of Performing Arts. She does a really sick cover of "Slow Hands" by Interpol and has worked with the same producer as Adele. Her hit single "212" might already be on your pre-game play list if you live in New York.

Hopsin

Hopsin is a Cancer. He's West Coast, which means he's from LA. You may have heard his infamous YouTube hit "Sag My Pants," which I'm sorry to inform you mocks Drake. Hopsie is also an actor and made his television debut in 2002 on Disney's That's So Raven, which is funny to think about when he's rapping about Soulja Boy sucking his dick through a glory hole. Rather than sign to a major label, he's independent but has still generated mainstream attention.  He's like those bitches you hated in college who refused to join a sorority but still attended the coolest parties.

Machine Gun Kelly

Kelly is a Taurus. His parents were missionaries and he lived in Egypt and Germany before settling in Cleveland. I know what you're thinking—that's some white ass shit. That's because he is white. Kelly is named after his rapid fire vocal style. Think of how fast your boyfriend's penis shoots after you cave and let him put it in your butt. That's MGK. He's bipolar, which I'm not even going to make a joke about because we all know mental illness sucks. A trouble maker with a heart of gold, Kelly enjoys threesomes and chocolate milk. He's signed to Diddy's Bad Boy Records, because Diddy loves white folks almost as much as he loves white powder.

French Montana

A Scorpio, French is originally from Morocco but moved with his family to the Bronx when he was a teenager. He's the CEO of Cocaine City Records and leader of the rap group the Coke Boys, so obviously he is signed to Diddy's Bad Boy as well. He's been shot in the head and would like us to think he's hardcore, but he's also known as "Mac With Da Cheese," and looks like Franklin the Turtle so I have trouble taking him seriously.

Macklemore 

Mack is a Cancer from Seattle. He writes socially conscious music and has even worked at a juvenile detention center helping youth through hip-hop. Helping troubled youth is important to Mack because he himself overcame an Oxycontin addiction. Mack says he finds peace through his music and yoga, and throws his fans an annual pizza party. In case you didn't figure it out already, he's white as shit. Mack enjoys shopping for accessories, particularly hats and shoes. You'll probably develop a crush on this guy once he gets a little bit more famous.

Earl Sweatshirt

By now I'm sure you've heard the words "Odd Future" thrown around. Despite their presence on Pitchfork the group is not a couple of skinny white boys, but rather a collective of bizarre indie rappers. Earl, a Pisces, is among them and has been hailed as the most talented MC of the group. Get ready to feel old: he was born in 1994. Poor Earl was super embarrassed back in 2010 when his mom told Tyler the Creator and the rest of OFWGKTA that they couldn't release any of his music. This was because she had sent him away to boarding school so he could get help for drugs and depression, a life event many white chicks can relate to. Warning: The following video will give you nightmares.

Iggy Azalea

I'm about to talk about another chick rapper with a very similar name to Azealia Banks so pop another Adderall and stay with me ladies. Iggy is a Gemini. Picture a nastier Australian version of Gwen Stefani with a booty. Iggy enjoys oral sex and kittens (not together). If this video doesn't make you want to try eating puss you're dead inside.

@TheBowieCat