Whose Farts Smell Worse?

Carnivores or Herbivores?

By Anita Crapper


All in the name of science. Photos by James Stafford
 


We hired a male model from the internet and got two girls who work in porn to fart on his face twice. They did this once while wearing jeans and once while wearing skimpy porno underwear.

After he’d received the double blast, our model, a 24-year-old named Dave, would attempt to deduce which fart was which.


The Farters

SUBJECT 1: THE CARNIVORE

Jasmine is a 28-year-old model from South London who has a sideline in being a dominatrix for hire.

“I don’t really stick to one fing,” she admitted. “I can do girl-next-door, fetish, or pissing on a guy.”

REASON FOR EATING MEAT: “I’m a meat eater but I have been a vegetarian in the past. At that time I was like: ‘Ooh! Killing animals. Nah!’ Back then there wasn’t a lot of variety for vegetarians so I used to eat boiled cabbages and potatoes. But the reason why I got back into eating meat was that I walked past a KFC and thought, ‘Bloody hell, I need to eat that!’”

PREVIOUS FARTING EXPERIENCE: “Garlic makes me fart a lot. Things like Indian make me fart and smell funny. Brussels sprouts make you fart. I went out raving one time and everybody had been eating brussels sprouts because it was Boxing Day. The day after Christmas is not good to go out raving because everybody’s farting. That’s my advice! Don’t go raving on Boxing Day!”

TODAY’S FART PROGNOSIS: “I had oat porridge and some beans and garlic. Now I’m eating a bit of a Peperami as well. It’s really smoky!”


SUBJECT 2: THE HERBIVORE

Sophie Calvert, age 22, is a self-confessed “naughty girl who takes her clothes off and does naughty things with men and women.”

REASONS FOR BEING VEGETARIAN: “I decided to become vegetarian at university. I got really into health and fitness, then I found out I was an A blood type which meant that vegetarianism would be perfect for me. I think vegetarians RULE! You just have to look at things like horses and gorillas. They exist on stuff like grapes and grass.”

PREVIOUS FARTING EXPERIENCE: “Bean sprouts make me fart quite a bit! I’ve noticed since I became vegetarian that my bowel movements are much more regular, they don’t smell as much, and I feel much lighter. Everything flows better, to be honest.”

TODAY’S FART PROGNOSIS: “For breakfast I had porridge and a delicious blueberry smoothie and just before I came I had an apricot-and-almond healthy-eating bar.”

ROUND ONE

Dave is blindfolded and the girls take turns farting right in his face. Meat-eating Jasmine is first.

The atmosphere is pretty tense at this point, not unlike the silence before a bombing raid. Everybody is waiting with bated breath for a sharp popping to punctuate the calm.

To everybody’s surprise, Jasmine performs a totally silent fart. Slowly her scent fills Dave’s flared nostrils. As his brain reacts to the chemical change within his nasal passage he tells the assembled throng, “Well, I would say that this is the meat eater. [Correct!] It smells like autumn leaves. Or nuts. I have to say it doesn’t smell bad at all.”

With that, Sophie gingerly takes the place of Jasmine, bends over, and, like her carnivorous counterpart, lets forth a silent fart just inches from Dave’s lips.

Dave takes it in and responds, “Mmm. This is like candle wax. Like candles melting after a meal. Or paper burning. Yes. This is not bad at all. Not like a fart at all. I definitely prefer this fart to the first.”

ROUND ONE: Carnivore 0 / Herbivore 1



ROUND TWO

Free of the trappings of their denim jeans, the girls’ farts now have only a thin covering of delicate lace to travel through from their rectums to Dave’s nose. Couple that factor with the news that they’ve been gulping down more bean sprouts, and the air of anticipation for round two is like the gay enclosure at Wimbledon, Andy Roddick vs. Thomas Johansson, match point.

First up this time is Sophie, who saunters over and lets rip yet another totally silent fart.

“Hmm,” muses Dave. “This is more like rubber, or a burning tire. I can’t tell what food it is. Well, it’s probably a bit cliché to say this, but I’d go for sprouts.”

Spent of gas, Sophie totters off and Jasmine enters the fray, bending over and letting loose the final toot of the tournament. Once again, to the amazement (and not a little disappointment) of all gathered, it is silent!

Dave’s face wrinkles. “This is like a cigarette. It… smells like fire… a cigarette… a burning fire. This is more pungent, this one… than the first one. And yes, there’s no noise at all. No audible sound. Still, I have to say that my favorite fart is the first.”


RESULT: Carnivore 0 / Herbivore 2


OFFICIAL RESULT: MEAT EATERS MAKE STINKIER FARTS THAN VEGETARIANS.


THE AFTERMATH

While the girls get dressed, we sit down with Dave as he goes over the last few frenetic minutes.

Ever the gentleman, he concedes, “Well, first off, I’ve definitely smelled a lot worse. They were certainly not as bad as ones I’ve made. I’m glad it wasn’t two blokes’ farts I had to smell. To be honest, my favorite farts were the veggie ones. Like I say, neither were unpleasant but the meat ones were a… less nice smell. Put it that way. As for the veggie ones, they might not have been farts at all. It could have been what I described it as—autumn leaves. It could have been a scented candle.

“I would say to the ladies, if you want to keep your farts smelling nice, go vegetarian!”

Jasmine the meat-eater’s reaction? “He must have a cold.”

ANITA CRAPPER


BONUS ROUND!

Further proof that vegetarians who maintain a balanced diet have a healthier digestive system than dominatrixes who eat KFC came when both the girls were instructed to sit down on the toilet and make a BM so that Dave could test that too.

Jasmine tried for about five minutes, but was unable to pass a pebble. Sophie, whose personal maxim is “Vegetarians RULE!” emerged from the john with a look of accomplishment on her face and two cute little lady parcels in the toilet bowl.

So, Dave, how is it?

“Well, the shit’s very pale compared to what mine would be. It’s almost pale green in color. It sank, but I don’t know what that means. There’s hardly any smell at all. I wouldn’t call it pleasant. but it isn’t that bad.”


After this experiment would you consider going vegetarian?

No, because I need the protein for bodybuilding. You can get protein from other sources, but not as efficiently. Vegetarians can go on about protein, but you show me 100 grams of chicken breast next to 100 grams of vegetables. Like for like? It would never compare.

OK, OK.

 

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