Why Are You Doing This? – Cocaine Moustache

Every couple of weeks or so I—the music editor—sift through the bottomless bins of promo CDs and records to decide which are even worthy of a listen. Up until now there have been three “piles,” if you will: 1) shit I want to keep for myself, regardless if we review it or not; 2) releases that I personally want to review or assign to someone whose taste I trust; 3) something we probably should review because someone in the office is boning the guitar player, impregnated someone, or owes a drummer $50. Recently, however, I established a fourth category: Releases so uncalled for and embarrassing that I feel the need to keep them in a lockbox so I can look at it from time to time and laugh the kind of joyful laugh that only comes from really shitting on something in written form because it’s already so shitty a little more shit won’t hurt.

The other day I brought home the promo of a band because the name of the band is Cocaine Moustache and the picture on the cover is a bunch of assholes in ZZ Top suits standing in front of some weird car only grandpas know about. It was so incredibly awful it was inspiring and gave me an idea for a new column, the first installment of which you are reading right now.

So, without further ado, let’s explore Cocaine Moustache by taking a look at the liner notes for their new album On the Mirror, which came out earlier this month. I’ve made a few notes in bold about things that gave me pause:

COCAINE MOUSTACHE “On The Mirror” tracklisting:

1.         The Drip (It’s awkward to sing mean songs about yourself.)

2.         Out of My Hands (Penis?)

3.         Better Back in Time (I’m not sure if this makes sense, or perhaps they are massive fans of Back to the Future?)

4.         The Pledge (The pledge to always and only sing about cocaine, and to never sing about the loose turds that inevitably follow a night of booger-sugar indulgence.)

5.         Cocaine Moustache (Like the name of the band, right? Right.)

6.         Garbage Bags and Shovels (Hey, I was just thinking about how I could kill all of you guys and get away with it. Thanks for helping!)

7.         On the Mirror (Probably about cocaine… or maybe even those little globules of food that end up on the bathroom mirrors of people who don’t know how to floss properly.)

8.         Worst of Me  (The worst part about you is the music you make.)

9.         Bleed My Last Breath (Oh there’s going to be a bloodletting alright. And it’s going to involve your fucking face.)

COCAINE MOUSTACHE is:

White Willie Sniffsum (Vocals) (Are you an Native American with a cocaine problem? I guess it’s safer than you having a drink. Unless you’re doing both. That would be bad.)

Vinnie Railtrail (Bass) (Hmmm… rails. I think I’d enjoy sticking a banister up your ass. Does that count?)

Bill ''Hundred Dollar'' Rollins (Guitar) (Hey Henry Rollins, can you please break this guy's fingers, septum, and spirit? Thanks, Kelly.)

Dr. Cleanplate (Drums) (Oh you ate up all of your food like a good boy, you fat fuck.)

Schnick Von Schlutzzz (Guitar) (Go fuck yourself.)

Anyway, see what I mean by the title? Why?

@wolfievibes