I’m about to give you the biggest colon cleanse of your life, because yesterday’s article by Ms. Banal was a bunch of SHIT. Ass sex rules because destruction, degradation, and pain are FUN. I’m going to try to expound on that very simple and true statement in the coming paragraphs, but if there’s one thing you take away from these words that should be it. If I’ve done my job, by the time you get to the end of this article you’ll be fingering your own butthole and scheming on ways to get it filled with something fun.
THINKING WITH YOUR ANUS
Obviously anal sex is the wrong idea. That’s why it rules. For girls, anal sex just inherently means “no.” That’s like the first life lesson we’ve ever learned: “My asshole excretes things, I’m not supposed to put things in it.” Good girl. Part of the thrill, though, is disobeying your fundamental physiology. Butt sex is fun for the same reason it’s fun to piss off a teacher or take a piss on a cop car, or burn down a church—except, get this, the only authority that you’re rebelling against is yourself. That’s some next-level shit. It’s like condensing six months of “getting in touch with your true feelings” BS therapy into 20 minutes. And, unlike burning down a church, you get to keep your job and be a fully functioning adult in society afterward.
YOU HAVE TO WANT IT
It can’t just be a fun little experiment you do to spice up your relationship. I mean, I guess that’s fine, but that’s when you’re going to be distracted by thoughts like, Oh, this feels kinda unpleasant, or, Wow, I hope I don’t get a UTI. That’s not really getting into the spirit of anal. The desire has to come from a deep need to feel degraded, and this is something that should be expressed/initiated through body language, NOT through diplomatic compromise, like, “OK, honey, you get to do that to me as long as you promise you’ll come to my cousin’s wedding.” (Ew, are there people who negotiate with sex like that?) I think there is a time and a place for anal, and you will know exactly when that time comes—he’ll tell you. (Just kidding.) (Not really.)
ANAL FISSURES BUILD CHARACTER
Yes, I’ve bled from my anus for weeks at a time (not constantly, that would be insane) and let me tell you something: I wouldn’t trade it for the world. In fact, I’m convinced experiencing an anal fissure may bring you closer to understanding the world, because guess what? Life is about dealing with things you would rather not deal with, like blood coming out of your asshole. You go through days of not wanting to eat because of not wanting to shit because of not wanting to reopen the scar tissue that has hopefully been developing on your butthole, but eventually the fissure does go away and you’ll either be a) wanting to go through it all over again, or b) taking precautions for next time.
I happened upon the miracle of muscle relaxers by accident. One day a boy effortlessly slid his penis up my butt and I was like, “What, I thought this was supposed to hurt?” And then I walked around afterwards without a care in the world, thinking that I just had an unusually loose sphincter. It took me a while to realize that the fluidity of the whole transaction could be attributed to the fact that I had been swallowing muscle relaxers daily (never mind why). Anal lube is bullshit. With Robaxin, you can put p’s in your b all day—there you go, Robaxin executives, I just came up with your advertising slogan for you. You’re welcome. Who's in Kara's asshole now?
YOU SHIT CUM
How is this nothing other than hilarious? For a millisecond it feels empowering to be expelling baby-creation liquid from your female body, and then you remember that it’s coming out of a tunnel for shit. The image is so bizarre and backwards, it it’s like a college art project on recontextualization. Or feminist literature. “POOPING SEMEN: At the Dawn of Matriarchy.”
No, I wasn’t molested as a child. No, my father didn’t beat me or abandon me. Why is it so unfathomable to think that girls actually like to GET fucked? We’re built for it. We’re built to take dicks. That’s what we do. It doesn’t make me inferior or powerless, it makes me happy. Before I realized that I like to be treated like shit, I was having boring, terrible, P-in-the-V type sex. It starts with chivalry and ends one forced, weak orgasm later. It doesn’t have to be that way!
YOU’LL BE FINE
The worst thing that could happen is a perforated anus. Pfft! Just like vagina sex, it takes some getting used to and it’s awkward at first.
Mary Ann, girl, you are cubic squared.