Sometimes I forget that women do not have penises, not even a little bit. It’s true! Where boys have flesh hoses down there, ladies have I don’t even know what—is it like a butt but more complicated? So women don’t understand the everyday experience of having this dangly fella around and don’t understand stuff like “adjusting” or “shaking” or “please, honey, do not squeeze them so goddam hard, that is a sensitive region!” Just today, Kelly McClure, VICE’s Music Editor and someone who doesn’t even deal with penises when she is doing sex and is thus totally unfamiliar with the doohickey and the male body in particular, asked a few questions about penises and then became very alarmed when I tried to answer them, so I thought I’d explain them more clearly, in writing, for the benefit of her and all women everywhere.
Where do they put their penis when they poo?
Dummy, it doesn’t go anywhere! The ball/peen combo is far enough away from Pooptown that we don’t ever worry about that.
I heard that when boys are pooping they will pee sitting down at the same time, if they have to do both. Hell yes! This is great! Big-time relief and a huge time-saver as well! Do ladies not poop and pee at the same time?
I also wonder if when boys wipe poop it doesn't just end up all tangled in their massive tufts of butt hair. Because they have that, right?
Dude, this is a huge hassle. The average man spends 5,000 hours a year in a bathroom stall trying to figure out how to get rid of all the turd particles around his buttcrack, because there is always the danger of not wiping well enough and smelling slightly like poop—which is a Major Faux Pax in some male-dominated industries like business and/or finance.
Why do boys pee on the floor? Every time I go the bathrooms at work there's a pee puddle in front of the toilet like someone tried to aim at the hole from the door.
See, when you are peeing standing up, the Responsible Thing to do is to just aim your penis-thingy straight down at the toilet. There’s no way anyone will ever miss that target if he is standing and holding the penis steady and keeping an eye on the pee stream going into the water, just as they used to teach young men to do in the Navy before the Democrats took over. But this is BORING. What is more fun to do is aim at the sides of the bowl so the stream of pee isn’t splashing loudly into the water—you can pretend you are hiding from terrorists by peeing quietly, just like Bruce Willis! Or you can sort of aim at a discolored spot in the bowl and try to clean it with the POWER OF YOUR URINE. Or you can see how far away from the toilet you can be while still hitting the bowl—do not do this because you will pee all over everything.
When you try this stuff, being 100 percent accurate sort of takes a back seat and a little pee will end up on the floor. Also, sometimes you’re finishing a pee session (or “sesh,” as we men call them) and instead of stopping all at once the pee will slow to a trickle that sometimes splashes onto the floor because the man wasn’t paying Full Attention To His Pee and was instead thinking about how they discovered what salt was good for in the first place. Or it’ll slow to a trickle, then go back into full-on stream mode because it just does that and it’ll splash on the underside of the seat. Or a few drops of Renegade Pee will hide in the Pee Tunnel Or Whatever You Call It and drip out only when you are trying to put the contraption away, and at that point they’ll hit the floor or your pants, and then it looks like you pissed yourself because you sort of did. “Just wait for all the pee to finish!” you’ll say, but IT DOESN’T WORK LIKE THAT. YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND. Hope that helps, Kelly. And sorry about the pee on the floor.