Wide World of Balls

Kicking and Screening

By Lou Doggs

We understand, you missed the last week in sports because you were lost in the Hamptons. It’s pretty wild out there! Why did you go looking for that fish stand? It’s not open anymore. That Yelp listing was a sham. The Troutbox™ isn’t any good, really, and after all those kids caught yellow measles eating it that one time they shut it down. There’s no fish stand! You missed everything! But we have all the no-neck sports blues covered, so you’re allowed to still pretend you’re normal.

Soccer
- The EPL is back! It’s a very big deal according to my friend who checks in with online beer apps and wears sticky jerseys that say MAGNAVOX on them. There were games this weekend and there will be 37 more per team--that's a lot of kicking, or whatever they do. Here’s a Google Calendar app for Manchester City, because why not. (They won Sunday, woo!)

- Robin “Jimmy” Van Persie bounced from Arsenal to Manchester United, and people are MAD. He sold his soul! He only cares about money! He’s a fundamentally bad person! That’s what the stupid babies who root for Arsenal and/or don’t understand how jobs work were saying. Why wouldn’t someone whose employment skills abruptly die at 32 only care about money? It's not like people are going to pay him a ton of money to play soccer in 15 years—chances are that within five years his "loyal" fan base would be calling him an over-the-hill bum anyway (but with more swearing, since they're English).

- There’s a war in this here factory town! Or at least declaration of something like respect for Man City from Man United star Wayne Rooney. Rooney was issued death threats in 2010 when rumors had in in the crosshairs of Man City, who won the EPL title last year in heroic fashion. So expect people to start yelling about that soon.

NFL
- There is some super referee beef. Basically, the ref lockout might last into the season. The league has been using scabs in preseason and may keep doing that once the real season starts. Union referees have traditionally been part-time—this incredibly jacked old asshole with his own workout routine runs a law firm in his spare time—and scaling even further down the talent ladder into referees who are even more part-time—trowel salesmen or JuCo professors, etc.—means things might really, really suck soon.

- Tom Brady wore a spiked dog collar for a photo shoot with Euro fashion mag VMan. Brady wasn't wearing the collar with Uggs, which is the only difference between him and a bunch of suburban teens waiting for the bus while rocking out to the new Korn album. Well, that and the supermodel wife.

- Chad “Shitty Johnson” Ochocinco got cut by the Dolphins. Here is the video. And here is a funny look at his sad, sad life.

Baseball
- Replay is coming this week to both New York stadiums, in a test capacity. Ken Rosenthal, who is known to rock a bowtie, called that shit a month ago because he’s such a good reporter. He also knows that the out at third on Tuesday will be overturned, and that Donald Trump’s son Mortimer will spill mustard all over Alex Rodriguez at the post-game whip-a-homeless-guy dance party.

- Giants outfielder and NL batting title leader Melky Cabrera was busted this past week for high levels of testosterone and is in the early end of a 50-game suspension. He could come back for the playoffs, if the Giants happen to make it, and could win the batting title, despite being one at-bat short. During the appeals process Cabrera paid a guy $10K to build a fake a website that would’ve suggested Cabrera ordered the substance off the website as a supplement and got fooled. But that didn’t work. Maybe his supplement had a crappy name? Why didn’t he just use this thing?

NHL
The collective bargaining agreement between the players and the league is up, and a new one is being negotiated, and it’s not going swimmingly. In fact, players are primed for an owners' lockout (and Donald Fehr has smooth skin). What’s more worrying than any loss of games is that the NHL also somehow has non-hockey related revenue. Gum? Did they steal the groceries out of my hallway when I was parking that one time? Is Darcy Hordichuk selling his body for money?

@samreiss_

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