It's Not Other Teams That Win, It's the Yankees That Lose
Oct 22 2012
It’s almost Halloween! Do you know athletes dress up in stupid kiddy costumes on Halloween? Yep, they wear these jerseys. You ever seen an adult in them things? Super sad. Anyways, here’s every single thing that happened in sports last week.
- The Tigers have moved on to the World Series, which translates to Oh My God the Yankees Lost. Everyone is saying they’re awful and that A-Rod blew it and that New Yorkers will abandon those losers in the gutter. Counterpoint: Maybe a team that almost made it to the World Series isn't terrible?
- Detroit had like a week off before their last World Series appearance in 2006 and it messed them up. They have five days off this year and will play a minor league team to stay fresh. They're also going to go to bed early because that's how you win the World Series.
- Hot Stove action! (That means "teams are trading players" in Baseballese.) The A’s traded a crappy shortstop to the D-backs for a good outfielder who can’t really hit, and the D-backs traded for the Marlins’ crappy closer. It was a trade made during the playoffs, which is weird, and nerds everywhere are already saying no one won because they can't win because it's still the playoffs.
- The Patriots somehow managed to beat the Jets, and are somehow the best team in the AFC East with a 4-3 record. Remember when everyone thought they would dominate the league? Bill Belichick is probably not happy. Someone give him some puppies to drown to cheer him up.
- RGIII played awesome for three quarters and then Eli Manning played awesome for one quarter, so according to math, the Giants won, but at least it was fun, right? Also, Rodney Harrison, a literal ex-Pat, thinks Eli is the best quarterback in football. That’s crazy, right everybody?
- BASKETBALL IS HAPPENING. Kind of. They’ve moved up from playing meaningless games in places like Atlantic City to playing meaningless games in actual NBA arenas. Going to one of these things is dumb because it doesn't matter, but then again nothing matters so to each his own, I guess. Live your life.
- Dwight Howard made his Lakers debut Sunday, and the consensus was that he’s super tall and good at alley-oops, which is a total shocker, I know.
- That old dude on the Knicks got injured! Wait, did I say old? I meant best. The Knicks' best player is injured, and everyone else on the team is old. They're going to have to reshuffle their lineup and start Kurt Thomas, or maybe an olive.
- Nothing yet on the actually-having-NHL-games front, but they’re getting closer. This week is probably the most important yet; if they wait until after October 25, there won't be an 82-game season, according to the commish. Of course, he's an asshole, so who knows.
- Notre Dame are 7-0 and, more importantly, fifth in the polls! This is awesome! Except that they’re probably not going to get either of the top two spots, so won't have a chance to win it all. Life is pain, bro.
- Duke will be playing in a bowl game, which is sweet, since maybe now more people will realize that they have a football team. What sucks is it's going to be the Gravol Bowl and they'll playing SUNY Binghampton or something.
- Indiana won the whole thing, and Tamika Catchings, who is kind of a big deal, is a champ and can tell Charles Barkley to stick it.
- Horseshoes are crazy, check out this story about a guy who plays them published by SB Nation.
Previously: Reason for the Season
Reasons Why Comic-Con Is the Worst Place Ever
An Interview with a Guy Who Can't Sleep Because He Is Afraid of Dying
A Rigged Indian Casino Karaoke Contest Was the Low Point of My Life
The Jim Norton Show: Mike Tyson and Dana White - Part 2
Should We Look at and Share Photos of Dead Civilians in Gaza?
A Few Impressions: Watch James Franco's Short Film, 'The Clerk's Tale,' Based on a Poem by Spencer Reece
One of Our Writers Went on an All-Alcohol Diet for a Week
Paris Lees: The 21 Sexiest Things About Sex
'Weird Al' Yankovic Explains How He Conquered the Internet
Tao of Terence: One Version of 'One Version of Terence McKenna’s Life'