Wide World of Balls

Even That Jerky Fireman Has Quit Cheering for the Jets

By Lou Doggs

How's our old friend sports doing? Well, baseball has wrapped up, basketball is in its early-season dregs, and hockey (still) hasn't started yet. Luckily there was lots of awesome football and college football and even Canadian football. 

Football:
- It wasn't the most important win of the weekend, but it was the most impressive: New England hung like four touchdowns in a minute on the Jets on Thursday. The Jets are so bad that Fireman Ed, a lonely old man who looks for acceptance by rooting for fully grown men louder than the rest of the lonely old men, has quit being an official rooter, because of the "nastiness" from other fans. When a Jets fan is complaining about the lack of civility in the world today, maybe it's time to pay attention?

- The sprinkler system went off in Miami during the Seahawks-Dolphins game. That's not funny slang for a weird football play, the sprinklers  actually started shooting water. That's not supposed to happen! Ha!

- Out of respect for Colts coach Chuck Pagano, who is undergoing treatment for leukemia, and to raise money for cancer research, Indianapolis cheerleaders shaved their heads. Pretty good look, I think. 

- Chargers head coach Norv Turner, known for blowing it in the waning minutes of games, did that shit to the Nth degree on Sunday against the Ravens. Seeing a trademark thing happen in real time can feel historic, like this story someone told me once about Jaromir Jagr hitting on his sister at the Pittsburgh airport. 

NBA:

Basketball is fun.

- The Knicks, despite losing by like, 100, to the Rockets, are getting some stathead daps. Carmelo Anthony is also really awesome. I'm saying this doesn't last, since the team is old as shit. Just throwing that out there. 

- Andrew Bynum is out for good. He'll probably be on the bench for all those games, so those rare camera shots where they cut to him in a suit, reading the International Herald-Tribune during the fourth-quarter, are reason enough to buy League Pass. 

- Mark Cuban is pissed about Lakers fans. Surely not these guys, right?

Baseball:
- The Blue Jays, who just copped all those players from the Marlins, re-hired former manager John Gibbons. The Jays weren't that good when he was in charge last time, but he's a good manager. He also has a cool accent. Anyways, managers don't matter, right?

- Michael Wiener, head of the MLB Players Association, has inoperable brain cancer, which is just awful. That story shows he's been getting good vibes from around baseball, but man, no one deserves to be dealt this hand. 

NHL:

This guy is not fun.

- Good news, hockey is cancelled through mid-December and the All-Star Game is also cancelled. Wait, did I say good news? I meant predictably lame non-news.

- The lockout is getting so lame that players are getting angry on Twitter. There was this dude's heartfelt screed from September, but there's also less noble social media-ing going on, like the guy from the Blackhawks who retweeted a fan saying he wanted Commissioner Gary Bettman dead (the player regrets it) and another player who called the Commish an "idiot." 

- Some asshole bought a championship toilet from Maple Leaf Gardens for $5,300. Did he buy the toilet to impress people? Can you imagine how gross those people are? They're impressed by vintage sports toilets? That's next-level dark.  

- The NHL Players Union sent a letter to Canada's parliament about, like, how bad everything is. You know you're desperate when you're asking the Canadian government to save you.

College Football:

"I hate snow"--Heisman candidate Manti Te'o.

- Notre Dame, which looked rough enough going into this season that no less a personage than Rick Reilly quit on the team, nonetheless finished 10-0 after playing nine bowl-eligible teams and took over the Number 1 spot. ND being good is also good for college football, just like the Knicks being good—stop laughing—is good for basketball. 

- Alabama will play Georgia for the SEC title, and Alabama will probably win and then play Notre Dame for the title. Of course, it's a lot more complicated than that. I think Kent State somehow wins everything if everyone ties. 

- People are talking Heisman Trophy, which you win if you're really good at college football but will proably end up playing in Canada. The favorites are Johnny Manziel from Texas A&M, who put up a  vintage Tebow-esque season, and Manti Te'o, from Notre Dame. (Here's who the experts predicted would win the trophy before the season started. Predictions! Ha!)

College hoops:
- These two dudes from Indiana are still banned. Guess they shouldn't have done that thing. You know what thing I'm talking about. They shouldn't have done it. 

CFL:
- The 100th Grey Cup was held on Sunday, and the Calgary Stampeders and Toronto Argonauts played for the Canadian Football League championship. Toronto won, despite going only 8-8 in the regular season. Canadian football fans would get upset about that, but they're too polite. Also, Justin Bieber played halftime, and was booed. Here's the footage, if you care.

Boxing:
- Hector "Macho" Camacho, a boxer who was also a criminal and was immortalized in "Dipset Anthem," has passed on. Here's a good rememberance

@samreiss_

Previously: Canadian Man Delivers Whupping to Non-Canadian

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