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      World Record Skydiver Was Thinking About Tits

      October 18, 2012

      By Trent Moorman

      Austrian skydiver Felix Baumgartner fell to Earth from a height of 128,000 feet a few weeks ago, setting three world records. He stepped out of a capsule/balloon floating on the edge of space and fell 24.2 miles to the ground while reaching speeds faster than the speed of sound (833.9mph, Mach 1.24). For four and a half minutes, the world held its breath as a little white dot on the screen was free falling through the atmosphere. Prior to making the historic jump, Baumgartner stood and said:

      “I know the whole world is watching right now and I wish the world could see what I can see. Sometimes you have to go up really high to understand how small you really are.”

      During the fall, Baumgartner went into a violent spin, and was thrashed around like a rag doll. Finally, he was able to gain control, and soon deployed a parachute that brought him safely to a landing.

      When he was on the ground, Baumgartner dropped to his knees and raised his arms to the sky. He’d done it.

      Moments later, he spoke:

      VICE: Congratulations, Felix, you just jumped from the highest point any human has ever jumped from. And you’ve fallen faster than any human has ever fallen. You could see the curve of the earth when you stepped off the ledge. What were you thinking about while you were falling?
      Felix Baumgartner: To tell you the truth, I couldn’t stop thinking about tits. I saw this girl on the beach the other day, and she had the biggest tits I’ve ever seen. I probably should have been humbled, and nervous, standing there on the edge of space, about to fall at the speed of sound. But once I started thinking about that girl’s breasts, I couldn’t stop thinking about them. They were amazing. I know there were millions of people tuning in to watch me jump, and cheer me on, like John Glenn when he stepped onto the moon. My mom was watching, and I know I should have been thinking about something noble, like an eagle. But you should have seen this girl’s tits. They were that big. She had an amusement park on her chest. Like a Wild Waves Water Park, but instead of Wild Waves it was just breasts, with waves crashing over them. Sorry, Mom.
       
       
      When you went into that tumble, were you scared at all? That looked pretty scary.
      Nope. I was pretty much only thinking about the girl’s breasts. It was pretty much tits the entire time. I didn’t really mean for it to happen that way. Like I said, I wished I had been thinking about an eagle.
       
      What do you hope will come of this jump, and these records you’ve set?
      I hope it inspires a generation.
       
      Inspires a generation to do what?
      I don’t really know. I haven’t thought about that. Maybe to jump from high places?
       
      Does this record jump change anything? Does it help the needy? Or fund tuition for kids?
      That’s a good question. I have no idea. I don’t think it really changes anything, come to think of it. Maybe it will give some people hope.
       
      Hope for what?
      I’m not really sure.

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