Humans make the worst romantic partners. They’ll cheat on you, they’ll lie to you, they’ll alternately not text you for days and then text you at 4 AM, they’ll do that thing where they go, “I’m OK, really,” even when it’s obvious they’re pissed at you. Dogs, though, are man's best friend. Isn't that what we're all looking for in relationships? Don't we want our lovers to be our best friends? We took to the streets to see if the world is ready to take their pet friendships to the next level.
Fred and Sophie: Would I date her? A 1,000 percent yes. This dog has more humanity—in fact, I have used the line “If I had a girlfriend like Sophie, I would have been a happy man my whole life.” She licks my bald head. I’ve never had a girlfriend who would do that. And women are so bizarre, as you probably know. If you’re lucky, you’ll see her chase a squirrel up a tree. She has a hunting instinct.
You like your women to be hunters?
She’s feisty, she’s brilliant. Who wouldn’t want to date her? I spend more time with Sophie than I have my whole life with another woman. This doggie—grooming costs $100, vet bills, food—is expensive, but all women are. I share her with people and kids, but she’s intense, she’s a huntress. Look at her. She ignores me here, but when she’s in the house she never leaves my side. That’s a woman I would date. She’s really the most incredible dog.
Adam and Missy: Definitely. She’s cantankerous and grumpy and she keeps me in my place.
So it wouldn’t freak you out at all?
It would definitely freak me out if my dog turned into a human. But I’d date her.
James and Dugan: Well, if he were a different gender? Without a doubt. Oh god, of course. He’d be great.
He’s fun, energetic, sympathetic, and he’s a character. Who doesn’t like that in a woman? But he’s also more predictable than the women I’ve been involved with. For him, it’s a lot more simple, less complicated. It’s like he’d be dream woman but without all the craziness.
John and Oscar: Oh no, he’s way too ugly.
He’s so cute!
With dogs, if they’re ugly, they’re really cute. When humans are ugly, they’re not cute, they’re just ugly. If he turned into a human he’d be ugly. It doesn’t translate. I do find ugly people to think he’s cute, though.
Bill and Ray: The beauty of a dog is that it doesn’t talk, and humans do. I don’t mean to be obscure, but there are communications between us that talk would ruin. It goes deeper than that. But I don’t know, maybe if I met him in a bar or something? He might be a little boring.
All he does is eat, sleep, and play fetch?
Yes, but he’s the most dear companion in the world. I couldn’t live without him, but I would rather not hear him talk. And I think he would probably rather I didn’t talk to him. I think everything about the relationship would change. This is a very difficult question because, again, it’s that aspect of nonverbal communication that means so much between a human and a dog.
Previously - Have You Ever Pooped Your Pants?