Yes I Work in Retail, No You Can’t Have Sex Here

I think a lot about the people that help me: I wonder what my barista has studied, how much their rent is, whether or not their tips are enough to scrape by each month. I do the math while I wait for my coffee, and the math never adds up—especially not if they live alone in Vancouver. It can't. Got student loans? Need medication, therapy or self-care? Nope.

I spent 17 years working in retail, among many colleagues hoping and waiting for a job that isn't behind the cash, or serving mouthy drunks at a bar. I've seen those hopes shrink in the face of a job market that continuously screws over young people. I know it, because many of my friends are clever, educated and well socialized. Can they take your order please?

I know not everyone sees retail from this side of the counter. They don't know our horror stories. I once saw a customer let her dog lift his leg and pee on a store display. Afterward she watched me clean it up while she asked how sweaters fit. If you have any interest in not being this person, here are a few things to keep in mind.

While cleaning the dressing rooms at the end of a shift at one store, I remember I would often find beautiful clothes thrown on the floor, sometimes stained with lipstick and bronzer. One night, all the clothes were hanging on the hooks, but on the floor, someone had left a puddle of pee. I called my manager up to laugh at my bad luck; we never thought something like this could ever happen in such a fancy store. We agreed that we could see this happening at Banana Republic, but not here.

A few weeks later in the same dressing room, a piece of poop! I can only assume it was the same customer, so overwhelmed by the beauty of these fine garments that they lost control of all their bodily functions. I wrapped the poop up in toilet paper and flushed it down the staff toilet and wondered how much tulle would it take to make myself a noose.

Couples trying to sneak into dressing rooms to have sex? It happens. At first, I didn't know what was going on when two shoppers went for it during one of my shifts, because who would have sex in a change room? People pee and poop in there. At least it was quick, and I could only guess at what a thrill it was to do sex around some over priced acrylic sweaters. It was the sneaky silence followed by a rhythmic bumping of the change room door caught my attention. I knocked loudly and cringed as I asked "how is everything fitting, do you need a bigger size?"

It wasn't that long ago that I was behind the cash, folding a stack of $200 jeans, or having a total stranger treat me like an emotions garbage can. Hundreds of hours of stroking rich women's egos as they stuffed themselves into the smallest possible size, while letting me know how I could lose weight by skipping meals. I wondered if they were somehow burning extra calories just by being mean for no reason. I am not your gal pal, or your daughter. And if you would just listen for a moment, I can find just the perfect pair of pants for you.

They had daughters "just like me" and "had to watch everything they put in their mouth or they would be 200 pounds" and of course, who would love them then? I can only assume that their daughters went home and ate their feelings that night. Having to cut a size 8 woman out of a size 2 dress? I have twice. I've spent an hour finding just the right jeans for a woman, who insisted on a very prominent camel toe. Yes, she wanted one. Or two I guess, two distinct toes. I admit, I couldn't fight the good fight any longer, and I did work on commission, so we both won. She walked out, gingerly, with the tightest pants in town.

Having a bad coworker is hell and one may be trapped in a box with them for 35 hours a week, no doubt listening to three playlists you are allowed to play in the store. Not 40 hours a week, because at 40 hours a week, companies would have to offer health benefits. Not only are health benefits rare, but any sort of HR department, or professional channels to resolve conflict. Work conditions to downright discrimination, almost always nonexistent. Without health benefits and HR, our health is at risk both physically and mentally.

When a new manager declared in her first week of work "I am not here to make friends," she was right. She really wasn't! Not only did this woman not make friends, in the height of her tyranny, she locked a sales associate in an office for four hours, trying to get a confession out of her regarding internal theft. So that was a firm "no" to friends and a big "yes" to hostage taking. My favourite memory involved my performance review, during which she kept her sunglasses on the entire time. We were inside. On a rainy day. She later climbed the short corporate ladder as far as she could go; sadly, none of the rungs broke along the way.

The joke was on her though. I have made lifelong friends working in retail. The bond you share with another who has survived the same day, the same rude questions, the same back breaking labor, or deep and murky boredom that pushes an already existential situation near brink of crisis.

One year, my student loan was late, and I was living on the brink of total financial and spiritual collapse. Luckily, I worked part-time at a lovely shop on Sherbrooke Street in Montreal. On Christmas Eve, just after the store closed, the owner gave me a card, with $200 tucked inside, and said, "This is just for you, Merry Christmas." He had never asked about my finances but he must have known that I was not even making it near my next paycheck. I was crushed by his kindness. I can't write or speak of this act without bursting into tears, over a decade after it happened. There are good people that work in shops. Unique people. Smart people. Kind people.

I rarely get bad customer service. Often people who work in stores are good at talking to people and helping others. On the other side, a lot of people who have problems with customer service lack essential life skills: they don't know how to talk to people, and they can't be helped. If you consistently find you are getting poor service from your cell provider to your local barista, it is you.

Here's the secret. Be nice. Be polite. Please don't expect a salesperson to be able to solve a lifetime struggle with body image issues. Is the coffee shop is busy? Please don't deeply sigh at the back of the line while dramatically checking the time. Leave a tip. The person helping you is probably waiting and qualified for a better job, but the way our economy is going, that could be a very long time.

It isn't easy to deal with a rotating cast of strangers, each one potentially dragging their baggage into the transaction. I try to bring this awareness shopping, that people behind the register, or at the other end of the phone are a human, with their own unique set of circumstances. And when I get to the front of the line at the café, I am very grateful for that cup of coffee. The exact thing that my money can buy.

Vancouver comedian Alicia Tobin co-hosts the podcast Retail Nightmares. Follow her on Twitter.

Photo via Flickr