Dogmageddon

Zealots with Nukes


By Rick Paulas

While most of the recent “crazy person with nukes” talk has been focused on the husky little crackpot in North Korea, there's another bit of backyard-underground-bunker-scare inducement that deserves some notice: the nuclear proliferation going on in Iran. 

Last Tuesday, just as Kim Jong Un started to rattle that nasty saber of his again, the country of Iran spit in the face of the rest of the world's peace by holding a National Nuclear Day in order to celebrate the country's new uranium-processing plant. (Uranium, mind you, being the key ingredient to making bombs take that critical step in the nuclear direction.) A few days later, the Iranian Army announced they'd successfully tested three new missiles. All of this news, obviously, is making the folks in Israel quite nervous, seeing as Iran's president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has previously stated that Israel's “an insult to humankind” before promising that it will be eliminated. And if that bark starts turning into a bite, the US will have to step in. And if the US steps in, you better start practicing hiding under your desks again, kids.

So, who's more likely to start a global nuclear war? Pick your poison: The crazy “supreme leader” who might just be doing this to build up some weird national pride? Or the religious zealots who are completely positive that life on Earth is just a precursor to the real thing?

Onto the roundup!

- Senators in Arkansas voted 19 to 11 to approve a bill that will cut state funding of Planned Parenthood and all other entities that have anything to do with abortions. Oh, also, the bill cuts funding for sex education in the state's public high schools. This is coming on the heels of the state banning all abortions at 12 weeks. Meaning, the state is essentially telling youngsters: “Hey, we're not going to tell you how to keep from getting pregnant. And if you do, you're fucked.”

- Speaking of abortion, if the media talking points stating that “more Americans oppose abortion than don't” are not making sense with your informal surveys about town, that's probably because it's bullshit. People overwhelmingly do not want Roe v. Wade overturned.

- Meanwhile in Kansas, the staff at the new Women's Care Clinic—the first clinic of its kind in Wichita since the 2009 assassination of Dr. George Tiller—has already been inundated with death threats from “pro-life” activists.

- Tom Cruise blacklisted the tabloids who spoke ill about Scientology from the red-carpet events for his new movie.

- Rabbi Gilles Bernheim, the top rabbi in France, was forced to resign after he was caught saying he graduated from all sorts of universities, when in reality, he certainly didn't.

- Papua New Guinea's the site of the latest witch scandal, with villagers capturing, torturing, and ultimately beheading two elderly women for “sorcery.” Another woman and her two daughters have been abducted and are about to meet the same fate.

- India approved the death penalty for a Sikh militant who killed nine people in a '93 car bombing in New Delhi.

- A NATO helicopter crash in Afghanistan killed two Americans. Later in the week, 13 Afghan soldiers were killed in an ambush by the Taliban.

- In Pakistan, a group of police officers guarding workers administering polio vaccines was attacked by, most likely, the Taliban. One officer died. Later in the week, Taliban gunmen killed an election candidate and then planted a bomb on a passenger bus, killing eight.

- Nigerian president Goodluck Jonathan (what an awesome name) tried to put an end to the bloodshed that's wrecking havoc on his country by offering Islamist fundamentalist group Boko Harem a consideration of amnesty if they cease their violent ways. Boko Harem flat rejected it.

- In Iraq, a series of mosque bombings killed at least 11. Meanwhile in Mali, two suicide bombers blew themselves up inside of a market, killing at least three soldiers and injuring a bunch of others.

- North Carolina State Representative Michele Presnell made enemies of the Council on American-Islamic Relations, the nation's largest Muslim-advocacy group, after she responded to a constituent's question of whether or not she'd be comfortable with a public prayer to Allah before a legislative meeting with, “No, I do not condone terrorism.” Yikes.

- A high school teacher in Albany, New York, felt it was a smart idea to have students sharpen their persuasive argument skills by composing an essay detailing “why Jews are evil.”

- Oh, this simply makes me giddy. The people illegally downloading movies from inside the walls of Vatican City—who could certainly be priests—love watching porn.

- Speaking of Catholics and illicit sexual activity, a Detroit professor believes Catholics who promote gay marriage shouldn't be allowed to take the sacrament of communion. And speaking of the whole gay marriage debate, a Seattle florist who refused to deliver flowers to the same-sex marriage of a longtime customer, because Jesus told her not to, is being sued by the state. And speaking of idiots, Dr. Ben Carson, a “rising star” in the GOP, has pulled out of speaking at a commencement ceremony at Johns Hopkins, after making a dumb comparison between gay relationships and bestiality.

- Asshole hipsters at Coachella put together a “Guantanamo-themed” party. Meanwhile, in real Guantanamo Bay, somewhere between 40 and 160 of the prisoners have been on hunger strike for the past two months. Hope that little factoid made it to the party!

- And Our Person of the Week: Nadezhda Tolokonnikova, jailed member of Pussy Riot, who gave her first interview last week vowing to continue work as a political activist after she gets released. “My life isn't going to change,” she said. “There will be new key components because of the experience I've gathered here.”

Previously - Young People Still Suck

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