Karl Welzein on Vice
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My Life Online
The Man Behind @DadBoner
We caught up Mike Burns, the comedic genius, VICE contributor, and fully grown man-child behind the @DadBoner Twitter phenomenon. We watched some WWE, drank a few domestos (that means beer), and talked about the internet, comedy, comedy on the internet, and online humor. Full story
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Power Moves by Karl Welzein
How to Keep It Chillin' Successfully After One of Your Pals Tries to Murder You by Accident
S’up. Name’s Karl Welzein. Really hurtin’ right now and seriously considering some major life changes. On Monday, my piece-of-trash buddy, Crazy Cooter, called to tell me how my old roomie, Dave, “f@ckin’ died when his old lady Sue smothered him to death.” I was pretty distraugh… Full story
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Power Moves by Karl Welzein
How to Figure out What's Really Important in Your Life Usin' an NCAA Bracket, You Guys
My roomie Dave got steamed and kicked me out after some “alleged” “incidents” involving personal “X-rated” nudity, bad language, and one or more broken appliances. It got me thinkin’ ’bout what’s really important in life. I mean, no matter where you go, there you are… Full story
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Power Moves by Karl Welzein
How Loco Cool Ranch D'Reet Tacs and Kate Upton's Chest Beefers Keep the USA Rockin' with the Heat of a Thousand Suns
My roomie has a new gal, but we're not ever gonna be friends. Why? ’Cause when the new Loco Cool Ranch D’reet Tacs came out from The Bell, she wouldn’t even try ’em ’cause she said they give her have bad BMs. So basically, she's stupid and hates America. Full story
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Power Moves by Karl Welzein
How to Not Get Burned by Some Lonely Ugg-a-Mug Babe Just Lookin' for a Free Hot Meal on 'Tines Day
February 14th is a stressful time of year for guys in the USA. That’s why I keep it single and ready to mingle until the 15th. It just makes good financial sense. I ain’t one to blow bread on babes just ’cause a calendar says it’s ’Tines Day. Full story
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Power Moves by Karl Welzein
How to Keep It Chillin' When Visitin' a Piece-of-Garbage Pal in the Hospital
Crazy Cooter had a stroke after rockin' solo carnal passions in my john. Went to visit him with my roomie Dave the next day and brought Hot ’n Ready’s, Triscuits & mayo, and cold ones. The works, really. Full spread. Friendship's important, so here are some tips on how to keep it… Full story
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Power Moves by Karl Welzein
How to Rock It for the Supes' Celebraish
If you’re not some piece of trash, you like to keep it rockin’ for the Supes'. It’s pretty much the biggest celebraish of the year for the USA. Last year was so off the chain. I made my Captain Karl’s Pizza Dip (special recipe). It’s kind of a tradish. Kicked up with bold flavors… Full story
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Power Moves by Karl Welzein
How Not to Get Burned by Fake Computer Babes Like That Manti Te'o Weirdo
‘Sup. Name’s Karl Welzein, hailing from Grand Blanc, MI. A few ticks back, I decided to get into the online computer dating scene ‘cause I kinda burned through all the local babes in my area. I style and profile 24/7, 365, open on Sundays, so they all crave my touch. It’s natural… Full story
The Wizard of the Saddle Rides Again
The Dark Specter of History in Memphis 
Hung Like a Gastropod
The Rigors of a Snail-Genital Illustrator 
Austerity's Drug of Choice
Sisa Is Nasty Shit 
This Is What Winning Looks Like
Chaos and Corruption in Afghanistan 
The Fat Farms of Mauritania
Pack on Those Pounds, Ladies 
Jerks Are Exploiting Cambodia's Orphans
Get It Together, People 
