NFL on Vice

Your Super Bowl Questions, Answered

Something called the “Super Bowl” is happening this weekend. What a crazy name, right? Sounds like what Super Man smokes when he wants to get stoned! Nah, just joshin’ with you—the Super Bowl is a football game! But what's football? Full story

Super Bowl Media Day… On Acid!

As you may or may not know, tripping balls while in the middle of a gaggle of reporters shouting questions two inches away from your ears is the ninth circle of hell. On the other hand, I did get to talk to Artie Lange. Full story

Clean Zones and Cabbies: How the Super Bowl Screws New Orleans Part 2

A recent lawsuit has resulted in free speech being restored in the giant "Clean Zone" around the Superdome, but the Super Bowl is still causing hardship for many, including food truck owners and cabbies. Full story

How the Super Bowl Screws New Orleans

For the pleasure of the assholes who will flood New Orleans for the Super Bowl, the city’s working overtime and even dissing Mardi Gras, its oldest tradition and most reliable financial benefactor. Per usual, what the New Orleans government won’t do for its citizenry it gladly do… Full story

I Want to Remember Ray Lewis As a Crazy Person

Ray Lewis, the longtime defensive stalwart/crazy person of the Baltimore Ravens, might be playing in his final game on Sunday. Professional football commentators tend to spew a lot of irrelevant filler about “heart” and “soul,” but for Lewis, all of that hyperbole was accurate. I… Full story

Robert Griffin III, Teenaged Runaway

Robert Griffin III is a suburban teenage girl wandering around the city at dusk with no bra. He is too naïve to be scared. He believes in himself too much. This can’t end well, The gap in knowledge is too great. The lessons won’t stick if they come any way but the hardest. Full story

Prolate Spheroid Preview

What I Want from the NFL in 2013

First of all, I want football to continue to happen and not cease to exist because the world has been swept by disease/war/starvation/robots and we no longer care about frivolous things like what large men do with an oddly shaped ball. Then I want Tim Tebow to be happy. Full story

Prolate Spheroid Preview

The NFL Is Terrible This Week

A whopping 13 games this week feature either two miserable teams flailing at each other like a bitter married couple going through the motions during an argument, or a really good squad that’s already secured a place in the playoffs and a toxic, tumor-ridden failure of a franchis… Full story

Can You Tell the Difference Between an NFL Player and a Car Crash Victim?

To put the NFL’s brutal collisions into perspective, I decided to compare injuries suffered during players’ careers with some injury reports from car accidents I found on the NHTSA’s website. See if you can tell whether the person was a victim of a car accident, or a highly-paid… Full story

My Sunday with The Disintegration Loops and the NFL

If you’re not familiar with 'The Disintegration Loops,' it’s this minimalist ambient project that came out in the early 2000s. If you’re not familiar with professional football, it’s a sport/entertainment event where large men hit each other and everybody yells. This weekend, I c… Full story