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Boyle's Brains

What Cat Food Tastes Like

The other day I found myself seriously considering two futures: The one where I’d never know what wet cat food tasted like, and the one where I would. In both futures I’d eventually end up dead, but the one where I’d eat cat food seemed more exciting. Full story

Boyle's Brains

New Ways to Have Sex

Let half a stick of butter melt in your mouth. This can take a long time. Try to sit still. It will feel less rewarding if you move even slightly. When the butter feels mostly melted, push your tongue against the harder parts. Make them melt against your cheek. Think about how yo… Full story

Boyle's Brains

The Spookiest Things to Do in a Dog Park

Bring a Ziploc baggie of ground beef instead of a dog. Start to remove its leash. Look tentatively around the park. If someone catches you doing this, direct piercing, relentless eye contact at them while slowly refastening the leash on your beef. Full story

Boyle's Brains

Real Pain: Future Dead Friends Tour Live Blog

Jordan Castro asked if I wanted to go on a four-day reading tour with him, Mallory Whitten, Scott McClanahan, Sam Pink, and Mike Bushnell. I said I did. A reading tour is like a music tour but with writers who know each other from the internet instead of musicians who know each o… Full story

Boyle's Brains

What’s Happening with Nicolas Cage’s Face

Nicolas Cage likes to lure his victims into a small basement apartment where he pretends to be lonely and appreciative of their company and insists they stay. Once they’ve fallen asleep, he unhinges his jaw and his mouth grows 40 inches in diameter. His guest is then swallowed wh… Full story

Boyle's Brains

What I Think About When I Think About My Body

I didn’t fully believe there was a hole in me until I tried filling it with a tampon before college. Still didn’t quite believe it was there until I had sex the next year. Feel jealous of people who get to have sex with it. Putting something into something seems more satisfying t… Full story

Boyle's Brains

The Secret Life of Objects on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown in a 24-Hour Grocery Store

Only one of these Great Value Happy Drinks does not have an STD. Full story

Boyle's Brains - Methods of Escaping Eight New Levels of Hell

These new levels of Hell are largely self-inflicted, and all stem from being out of Adderall. The cure for escaping "Out of Adderall Hell," incidentally, is writing about being out of Adderall. Full story

Boyle's Brains

I Listened to Five CDs from the Five-for-a-Dollar Box at FYE

I recently spent about 40 minutes digging through the five-for-a-dollar-box at FYE, delighting in the bleakly diverse selection of CDs resting in what would likely become their punchline-y final destination. Full story

Boyle's Brains - Plausible Conspiracy Theories

Every time someone has an orgasm that doesn’t make someone else pregnant, one pigeon is generated. That’s why there are so many pigeons. That’s why pigeons walk like that. Full story