The other day I found myself seriously considering two futures: The one where I'd never know what wet cat food tasted like, and the one where I would. In both futures I'd eventually end up dead, but the one where I'd eat cat food seemed more exciting.
Let half a stick of butter melt in your mouth. This can take a long time. Try to sit still. It will feel less rewarding if you move even slightly. When the butter feels mostly melted, push your tongue against the harder parts. Make them melt against your
Bring a Ziploc baggie of ground beef instead of a dog. Start to remove its leash. Look tentatively around the park. If someone catches you doing this, direct piercing, relentless eye contact at them while slowly refastening the leash on your beef.
Jordan Castro asked if I wanted to go on a four-day reading tour with him, Mallory Whitten, Scott McClanahan, Sam Pink, and Mike Bushnell. I said I did. A reading tour is like a music tour but with writers who know each other from the internet instead of
Nicolas Cage likes to lure his victims into a small basement apartment where he pretends to be lonely and appreciative of their company and insists they stay. Once they've fallen asleep, he unhinges his jaw and his mouth grows 40 inches in diameter. His g…
I didn't fully believe there was a hole in me until I tried filling it with a tampon before college. Still didn't quite believe it was there until I had sex the next year. Feel jealous of people who get to have sex with it. Putting something into somethin…
I recently spent about 40 minutes digging through the five-for-a-dollar-box at FYE, delighting in the bleakly diverse selection of CDs resting in what would likely become their punchline-y final destination.