"They've got a hundred lawmakers in there. If they were to put one good lawbreaker in there, I could make a huge difference. I'd break those unconstitutional laws and get them off the books."
"Approval rating? Hahaha. Hey folks, how about you approve this wicked Mexican-American deuce that in a few hours will be dropping from my ass to your mouth, you ungrateful motherf—Wait, what's that? Yes, extra sour cream, please."
In honor of all the essays that have been written by ninth graders about Holden Caulfield, here's a little book report about John Cheever's best story, "The Swimmer."
Bulgarian opposition leader Ahmed Dogan survived an attempted assassination today in the nation's capital Sofia after a gunman rushed the lectern where the leader of the Movement for Rights and Freedoms Party was speaking. But when the would-be assassin r…
Sorry I went Earl Sweatshirt on you for a few months. But I'm back. You haven't missed much—just babies getting their nipples twisted off, strip clubs giving away turkeys, a ton of cocaine, and ladies riding manatees.
For those of you who aren't versed in the grotesque world of r/spacedicks and r/mensrights, we've compiled the top 20 exchanges that took place today between our boss and the redditors of the web.
You watch a sad parent pack away his son's clothes, digging through the wreckage. That's when, maybe for the first time, I understand the depths of the disease my roommate and supposed friend has been living with. I could've done better.
Shit. I've been determinedly rubbing this metal skewer for more than 25 minutes and it still doesn't want to bend. I'm doing everything my metal-bending teacher, Jean-Pierre Girard, has instructed me to: I'm wearing green, stroking the rod tenderly, and f…
Regardless of which psychological disorder they're afflicted with, all patients are equal on the dance floor.
There's just something about blood-splattered bad boys that makes me want to tame their animalistic spirit and then mount them like a wild, majestic horse that I am about to have sex with.
It's awe-inspiring to imagine how I did over six years in jails without becoming completely nuts. Inside I saw the illest shit, it was like a psych ward with crazies everywhere yelling and drooling.
Occupy Wall Street protesters aren't the only people occupying stuff today.
"That footage is gonna reek of beagle-jaw!"
You know that gay people recruit, right? Yeah, well, they do, and Girls Like Us Lesbian Quarterly is the perfect brochure for luring cool young women over to the dark side.
The Temple Bar area of Dublin city centre is where gangs of women from Britain and Ireland traditionally go to celebrate their hen nights. The hen nights involve dressing up in fancy costumes, getting very, very, very, very drunk, and flashing your tits a…
People who get into taxis are usually drunk or high or running late and as such think it's all about them. Keep in mind that the dude getting you to your destination has seen it all—more horrendous shit than you could likely imagine.
It was my birthday, and I was sitting at work. I always like to do something on my birthday-I hate birthday parties, but I like to do something else to spoil myself.
This was in Florida in like 1983. It was me and a few fellow metalhead kids riding around, smoking weed, and blasting music. Kill 'Em All had just come out and we were going fucking crazy for it.
I had a pet guinea pig and a pet chinchilla and they both died within a year of each other.