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Pen Pals

Burying the Dead and Unloved

Part of a 15-cent-an-hour job I had while in prison was burying inmates who died and had no one who could claim the bodies, or else didn’t have anyone who gave a shit to arrange a proper funeral. They had died over the winter and their bodies had been left in a shack until the ground thawed. Full story

Pen Pals

HardWhite and Harry Potter

Harry Potter was fresh from the world and had a sickness to feed. The weakling fiend probably hated everything right now, but mostly he hated that his drug was gone. All Harry Potter will want is to get high and the boys are about to swarm on him. Little white wizards get no play… Full story

Pen Pals

The Trials of Job

After my sweet release from prison last year, I struggled for about a year looking for a decent job. I badly wanted to work, but I quickly became discouraged when my first ten applications were shot down, probably thanks to my status as a felon. Those were some tough times. Full story

Pen Pals

Bert Meets a Real Rapper Who’s a Year Out of Prison

A lotta dudes in prison are rappers, but I don’t pay them much mind. But in the case of SunBlaze, I had a feeling that he was serious bizness—the way he kept to himself, quietly writing and not talking a lotta shit like lotsa dudes do. He got out last May and has been doing very… Full story

Pen Pals

Addiction Isn't a Disease, I'm Just a Dick

When you’ve been sent back to prison multiple times for dirty pee like I have, you end up thinking a bunch about addiction—whether you’re a screwup or a bona fide addict, and if you’re an addict, what that means. Lots of people define addiction as a “disease,” but I don't… Full story

Pen Pals

Dying of a Dirty Mouth

Don’t think appearance matters? I once saw an old man get killed in prison for having bad breath. He was Puerto Rican, but we called him Miagi 'cause he had a very Asian look and resembled Pat Morita. Unfortunately, his mouth was completely decayed and smelled like sweltering gar… Full story

Jailbert

We had a feeling our prison correspondent would do well on video. Drugs remain a problem for Bert, and he consistently fails urine tests and is sent back to jail over and over again. In this two-part series, we examine Bert in his most vulnerable state as he tries to stay on the Full story

Pen Pals

RockBottom Heads Toward Bottom

The early morning air stunk of pissy pussy and unwashed balls. RockBottom did his thing all night like always, dispensing drugs to the party people. The fiends were nodded out, neck-cramp proper, and the freaks spun out on E were in the bedroom, fruitlessly masturbating each othe… Full story

Pen Pals

Prisons I've Known and Yelped

I was kicked off Yelp probably about 15 times. I’m the ORIGINAL prison reviewer, along with some guy named Craig who did a nice review of Rikers four years ago and who probably got kicked off too. I lost my classic reviews, so I decided to make some more. Full story

Pen Pals

Inmates Love Lawsuits

A prisoner named Kim Millbrook won a Supreme Court case with a handwritten petition, which is impressive. Thanks to him, inmates have the right to sue scumbag pork chops in federal jails, but the truth is that an assload of taxpayer money gets wasted on inmates’ frivolous lawsuit… Full story