Articles by Bert Burykill

Bert Burykill

Pen Pals

The Trials of Job

After my sweet release from prison last year, I struggled for about a year looking for a decent job. I badly wanted to work, but I quickly became discouraged when my first ten applications were shot down, probably thanks to my status as a felon. Those were some tough times. Full story

2013 May 13 Bert Burykill Stuff

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Bert Meets a Real Rapper Who’s a Year Out of Prison

A lotta dudes in prison are rappers, but I don’t pay them much mind. But in the case of SunBlaze, I had a feeling that he was serious bizness—the way he kept to himself, quietly writing and not talking a lotta shit like lotsa dudes do. He got out last May and has been doing very… Full story

2013 May 3 Bert Burykill Music

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Pen Pals

Addiction Isn't a Disease, I'm Just a Dick

When you’ve been sent back to prison multiple times for dirty pee like I have, you end up thinking a bunch about addiction—whether you’re a screwup or a bona fide addict, and if you’re an addict, what that means. Lots of people define addiction as a “disease,” but I don't… Full story

2013 Apr 30 Bert Burykill Stuff

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Dying of a Dirty Mouth

Don’t think appearance matters? I once saw an old man get killed in prison for having bad breath. He was Puerto Rican, but we called him Miagi 'cause he had a very Asian look and resembled Pat Morita. Unfortunately, his mouth was completely decayed and smelled like sweltering gar… Full story

2013 Apr 22 Bert Burykill Stuff

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Pen Pals

RockBottom Heads Toward Bottom

The early morning air stunk of pissy pussy and unwashed balls. RockBottom did his thing all night like always, dispensing drugs to the party people. The fiends were nodded out, neck-cramp proper, and the freaks spun out on E were in the bedroom, fruitlessly masturbating each othe… Full story

2013 Apr 11 Bert Burykill Stuff

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Prisons I've Known and Yelped

I was kicked off Yelp probably about 15 times. I’m the ORIGINAL prison reviewer, along with some guy named Craig who did a nice review of Rikers four years ago and who probably got kicked off too. I lost my classic reviews, so I decided to make some more. Full story

2013 Apr 5 Bert Burykill Stuff

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Pen Pals

Inmates Love Lawsuits

A prisoner named Kim Millbrook won a Supreme Court case with a handwritten petition, which is impressive. Thanks to him, inmates have the right to sue scumbag pork chops in federal jails, but the truth is that an assload of taxpayer money gets wasted on inmates’ frivolous lawsuit… Full story

2013 Mar 28 Bert Burykill Stuff

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Pen Pals

Don’t Stick Dominoes in Your Dick

Some guys in prison like to get together in the bathroom, puncture their penises with a little slice, and then insert an implant. From what I hear, usually they break off a piece of a domino and insert it up under the foreskin area, or sometimes, down closer to the base. Gross. Full story

2013 Mar 22 Bert Burykill Stuff

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Pen Pals

Home Is Where the Prison Is

The latest article I’ve seen about reforming the prison system is from something called GovLab, and it’s all about “data analytics” and “geo-driven decision making” and “virtual incarceration.” It sounds all nice and fancy when they say it, but it’s pretty clear that they’re in s… Full story

2013 Mar 18 Bert Burykill Stuff

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Pen Pals

HardWhite Loves Twerk ’n’ Jerk

The county jail ain't that bad. I lie in bed all high and toasty listenin’ to music, plottin’ on my next move, and readin’ the Scrabble dictionary to build my vocab massive. I’m focused and dedicated to suck the most love outta the stinkin' clink while languishin’ in anguish in t… Full story

2013 Mar 7 Bert Burykill Stuff

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