Articles by Bert Burykill

Bert Burykill

Pen Pals

Down in the Hole

The cops definitely use the box as a tool, and it’s been seriously overused. In New York, the box is officially called a Special Housing Unit (SHU), and it is a serious tool to keep the inmates in check. I did very limited box time, and it scared the shit out of me. Full story

2013 Feb 28 Bert Burykill Stuff

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Prisons Punish Families Too

Imagine your dad was locked up for most of your life. You’d grow up poor, probably full of anger, likely in a louse-filled neighborhood with unseemly influences, and you’d have a greater chance of becoming a whore or a thief or a drug dealer and following dear old Dad into jail… Full story

2013 Feb 21 Bert Burykill Stuff

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Pen Pals

Valentine's Day Is a Punch to the Gunt

Girls love a lot of nonsense, like drinking out of wine glasses. What the fuck’s that for? You can just drink cheap wine out of the bottle and it tastes lovely as virginal blood. Girls also fall for sucker shit like soap operas and shopping networks, so of course they’re going to… Full story

2013 Feb 14 Bert Burykill Stuff

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Incorrect Officers

Daaamn! Look at this prison guard who’s having a cop killer’s baby after banging him behind bars! Over the years I’ve spent incarcerated, I’ve definitely run into a few slags working for Corrections. Full story

2013 Feb 11 Bert Burykill Stuff

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Pen Pals

Rehab or Prison?

Intervention-type shows give people the impression that everyone in rehab is on the verge of death, whereas it’s actually filled with heads trying to stay the fuck outta jail. In a lot of ways, it’s just another moneymaking racket. Full story

2013 Jan 29 Bert Burykill Stuff

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Rappin' Wif Rockbottom

Even when I’m lookin’ cracked-out, I possess profucious retard strength. I can smoke 20 twenties, eat a whole chicken, light a couch on fire, and throw it out the window with my grandma sitting on it. Full story

2013 Jan 22 Bert Burykill Stuff

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Pen Pals

God Behind Bars

I’m not proud to be prejudiced against religious people, but at least when in jail I definitely have a problem with them. It doesn’t matter what faith they’re representing, they usually seem to be delusional or crazy. I’ve lived next to convicts who really think they can talk to… Full story

2013 Jan 15 Bert Burykill Stuff

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Pen Pals

HardWhite, an Introduction

The ballad of HardWhite and RockBottom's first meeting and the beginning of a deliciously destructive relationship that was created by the lucrative machinery that manifests itself from a combination of prison, women, and drugs. Full story

2013 Jan 8 Bert Burykill Stuff

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Holidays in Jail

Lamentably, I’ve spent the majority of the past decade’s Christmases locked up. I try to imagine I’m a tough son of a bitch and this doesn’t affect me, but I tell you, it’s mega-hard not to succumb to the depression. Full story

2013 Jan 2 Bert Burykill NSFW

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Pen Pals

Thirstbuckets

Normally, I like to coin my own crackerisms and slang when it comes to describing indescribable prison behaviors, but I can’t improve on “thirstbucket.” In case you don’t know, that’s ghetto terminology for inmates who have crackhead tendencies. Thirstbuckets fiend for everything… Full story

2012 Dec 18 Bert Burykill NSFW

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