Articles by Brett Gelman

Brett Gelman

Rat Tail

The Debut Single

The following is an excerpt from the liner notes of Rat Tail’s one and only album, 'The Motorola Pimp.' His whereabouts are unknown. He seemed to be on the rise when his album was first released. Shortly after getting in an altercation with rapper Ice T, Rat Tail vanished. Full story

2013 May 18 Brett Gelman Stuff

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Combover's Truth

This town’s just one big concentration camp! It’s sunny Auschwitz. But I am my own Nazi. I keep me here. Ambition. The sweet tastes of temptation are wasting me away. Spiritually emaciated. About to fall flat and just die. Full story

2013 Apr 12 Brett Gelman Stuff

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Teenage Vacation Week

I’ve been thinking back on the first film I ever produced, 'Teenage Vacation Week.' I was also in it. I played Jim Francino: A low-down, dirty pimp who had a thing for naval outfits. He convinces these two teens who are on vacation for a week to do a bunch of low-down and dirty t… Full story

2013 Mar 22 Brett Gelman Stuff

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Laugh Pig Laugh

Two hours later: Regret. So much regret. There’s blood all over me. Not my blood. Chicken blood, or so they say. I don’t know where anyone gets all this chicken blood from, and the whole enterprise is definitely far from kosher. Full story

2013 Feb 27 Brett Gelman Stuff

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What Means What Now?

Did you know I was married? Of course you don’t. I didn’t tell you. I don’t really talk about her very often. To me, a wife is pretty much a backup plan. If I don’t get no shtuppin’ for a while, if my career falls apart, if I got no one else to turn to—you know, that kind of a ge… Full story

2013 Jan 25 Brett Gelman Stuff

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Santa Daddy

She walked into the other room and came back holding up a Santa suit. And you bet your ass I put it on. I put it on like it was my bar mitzvah suit and we had to be at temple in five minutes. Full story

2012 Dec 31 Brett Gelman Stuff

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The October War

I’m working on a little personal film about the October War. I need to say something about my people’s persecution. What a mess it is over there. Such a happy little place surrounded by nothing but enemies. Haven’t we gone through enough already?! Full story

2012 Dec 4 Brett Gelman Stuff

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Dirty Laundry

This one’s difficult. Used to be my best friend. My mentor, really. Taught me everything I know about the business. Helped me get my first assistant’s job with Billy Wilder. Then the white dragon set him on fire. And before I knew it, I was his own personal ATM. Full story

2012 Oct 26 Brett Gelman Stuff

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White Lie/Black Fly

Goddamn method actors. I hired one to do this sci-fi flick I’m producing called "White Lie/Black Fly." The crew tells me the actress has been crawling up walls, jumping on people, and even eating caca. She’s gotta tone it down or we’re going to have 50,000 lawsuits on our hands… Full story

2012 Sep 27 Brett Gelman Stuff

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Jarble Jerble

The ganef has the chutzpah to belt me in the face. He lays me back in my stunned state and tries to shove the pool net up my tukhus. I tighten my hole like it’s holding onto a hundred-dollar bill. Full story

2012 Aug 31 Brett Gelman Stuff

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