Brett Gelman

Articles by Brett Gelman

  • Combover

    What Means What Now?

    Did you know I was married? Of course you don’t. I didn’t tell you. I don’t really talk about her very often. To me, a wife is pretty much a backup plan. If I don’t get no shtuppin’ for a while, if my career falls apart, if I got no one else to turn to—you know, that kind of a ge…

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    Santa Daddy

    She walked into the other room and came back holding up a Santa suit. And you bet your ass I put it on. I put it on like it was my bar mitzvah suit and we had to be at temple in five minutes.

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    The October War

    I’m working on a little personal film about the October War. I need to say something about my people’s persecution. What a mess it is over there. Such a happy little place surrounded by nothing but enemies. Haven’t we gone through enough already?!

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    Dirty Laundry

    This one’s difficult. Used to be my best friend. My mentor, really. Taught me everything I know about the business. Helped me get my first assistant’s job with Billy Wilder. Then the white dragon set him on fire. And before I knew it, I was his own personal ATM.

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    White Lie/Black Fly

    Goddamn method actors. I hired one to do this sci-fi flick I’m producing called "White Lie/Black Fly." The crew tells me the actress has been crawling up walls, jumping on people, and even eating caca. She’s gotta tone it down or we’re going to have 50,000 lawsuits on our hands…

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    Jarble Jerble

    The ganef has the chutzpah to belt me in the face. He lays me back in my stunned state and tries to shove the pool net up my tukhus. I tighten my hole like it’s holding onto a hundred-dollar bill.

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    Make the Book Cook

    I mean what I say, and I say what I mean. That’s the way you really rise to the top.

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    Smart as a Rabbi

    I’ve seen dead bodies before, but this is going to be rough. This one is going to sting right where my foreskin used to be.

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    That's Tokyo Town

    He might have the glow of a Nazi, but he hates himself just like a good Jewish boy should.

  • Greetings From My Mind

    The Reality TV KKK

    Why do we give her our necks? Is it because we smell it? Is it because we secretly dream of it? Is it because of our shame?