Chris Nieratko

Articles by Chris Nieratko

  • Skinema

    This Ain't Star Trek

    God, I fucking hate remakes (both porno and mainstream). It says a lot about the intellect of our Hollywood writers when the best they can come up with is to make G.I. Joe

  • Epicly Made Over

    Girl skateboarders aren’t hot. It’s just how it is. I wish they were but they’re not. It’s a dude’s activity and so they feel they need to act/dress the part of a dude to get accepted.

  • Skinema

    We Yum Yum Cum

    I hate when people speak to their kids in baby talk. It’s annoying. Then people wonder why their kids turn out to be mental midgets with no social grace and an inability to function in the real world.

  • Skinema

    It's Sunny In Brazil

    A bunch of my friends are pro skaters from Brazil and they’re always telling me the craziest stories from their childhoods of murder, drug mules, and prostitution.

  • Skinema

    Karaoke Terrorist

    Two Thanksgivings ago me and the Mrs. went to Hawaii with the Red Bull Skateboard team. Each night we went to the karaoke bar at the hotel next door and sang like we were trying to get on American Idol. Ron Deily impersonated everyone he sang, which was mostly Bruce Springsteen.

  • Skinema

    Great Sex During Pregnancy

    Can you do me a favor? Pretend like you didn't see the picture above and when I ask you to guess what my wiener put inside my wife's guts, just say, "I don't know, what?"

  • Patent Pending

    Over the years I have come up with some ingenious, inventive designs to help mankind. I have written them all in a notebook. I have showed this notebook to no one. I have been meaning to submit them to the patent office but I just haven’t gotten around to it.

  • Skinema

    Lonnie's Poop Shoot

    Well, seems I missed a week or two somehow. I didn’t really notice but my email was ringing off the hook from headquarters demanding my next slice of Pullitizimo.

  • Skinema

    Live in My Secrets

    I'm working on a new VBS show called Sexy Slumber Party in which I have sexy slumber parties with naked porn stars and we have popcorn and girl talk until they start to cry.

  • Skinema

    Poopy

    I've contracted some sort of AIDS as a result of bad sausage. Usually sausage doesn’t agree with me but it has never tried to kill me before.