Chris Nieratko

Articles by Chris Nieratko

  • Meet the Nieratkos

    Tuesday was my wife’s retarded Uncle Lonnie’s annual Halloween party at the Elks Lodge. I wasn’t permitted to go this year because I had to watch the baby, or, as Lonnald refers to him, "that brat."

  • Meet the Nieratkos - Be Easy

    To celebrate the release of Ghostface Killah's latest R&B heavy CD, Ghostdini: Wizard of Poetry in Emerald City, I decided it was time to share with you one of Ghostface’s rare, unreleased tracks as performed by his biggest fan: ME. Enjoy.

  • Skinema

    John Wayne Bobbitt Uncut

    Remember last year when Lorena Bobbitt cut off her husband’s penis? The news sent a shock wave through the misogynist community like a frickin’ A-bomb.

  • Meet the Nieratkos - Skateboarding Is So Gay Right Now

    A few years ago my friends over at Lakai came up with a t-shirt that said: Skateboarding is So Hot Right Now!

  • Skinema

    This Ain't Star Trek

    God, I fucking hate remakes (both porno and mainstream). It says a lot about the intellect of our Hollywood writers when the best they can come up with is to make G.I. Joe

  • Epicly Made Over

    Girl skateboarders aren’t hot. It’s just how it is. I wish they were but they’re not. It’s a dude’s activity and so they feel they need to act/dress the part of a dude to get accepted.

  • Skinema

    We Yum Yum Cum

    I hate when people speak to their kids in baby talk. It’s annoying. Then people wonder why their kids turn out to be mental midgets with no social grace and an inability to function in the real world.

  • Skinema

    It's Sunny In Brazil

    A bunch of my friends are pro skaters from Brazil and they’re always telling me the craziest stories from their childhoods of murder, drug mules, and prostitution.

  • Skinema

    Karaoke Terrorist

    Two Thanksgivings ago me and the Mrs. went to Hawaii with the Red Bull Skateboard team. Each night we went to the karaoke bar at the hotel next door and sang like we were trying to get on American Idol. Ron Deily impersonated everyone he sang, which was mostly Bruce Springsteen.

  • Skinema

    Great Sex During Pregnancy

    Can you do me a favor? Pretend like you didn't see the picture above and when I ask you to guess what my wiener put inside my wife's guts, just say, "I don't know, what?"