Chris Nieratko

Articles by Chris Nieratko

  • Patent Pending

    Over the years I have come up with some ingenious, inventive designs to help mankind. I have written them all in a notebook. I have showed this notebook to no one. I have been meaning to submit them to the patent office but I just haven’t gotten around to it.

  • Skinema

    Great Sex During Pregnancy

    Can you do me a favor? Pretend like you didn't see the picture above and when I ask you to guess what my wiener put inside my wife's guts, just say, "I don't know, what?"

  • Skinema

    Lonnie's Poop Shoot

    Well, seems I missed a week or two somehow. I didn’t really notice but my email was ringing off the hook from headquarters demanding my next slice of Pullitizimo.

  • Skinema

    Live in My Secrets

    I'm working on a new VBS show called Sexy Slumber Party in which I have sexy slumber parties with naked porn stars and we have popcorn and girl talk until they start to cry.

  • Skinema


    I've contracted some sort of AIDS as a result of bad sausage. Usually sausage doesn’t agree with me but it has never tried to kill me before.

  • Skinema

    Airplane! - Is the Greatest Movie of All Time

    The day before I flew to LA last month an airplane went down in the Hudson River as I was working at our NJ Skateshop in Hoboken, NJ. I ran over and watched the rescue efforts. I wanted to vomit. I hate flying and it made me want to cancel my LA trip.

  • Skinema

    You Should Meet Lonnie (Update: Now With Videos)

    You should meet Lonnie, my wife's retarded uncle (literally). He is the absolute best dude on the planet. He looks like Andre the Giant, and although I've never met Andre I'd wager Lonnie's brut strength rivals that of the Giant.

  • Skinema

    The Nieratkos Go To LA

    Hello, my name is Chris Nieratko. You might know me from such films as Skinema: Love on the Rocks or My Wife’s Mouth Will Not Get Pregnant. Or you may not.

  • Skinema

    Discovering Alexis Texas

    A year or two ago, Vice sent me around the country to promote my book, Skinema, and one of the stops was in Austin, Texas, at the largest bookstore in the state.

  • Skinema


    Fuck. Google this DVD and look at the back cover. You can't handle the back cover! It made me want to vomit into my laptop. Dead center there is a photo of what my friends affectionately refer to as a “pink sock.”