Chris Nieratko

Articles by Chris Nieratko

  • Skinema

    No Warning 7: Ambushed

    I arrived back home in New Jersey the airport was full of fearful folk running around with their hands above their heads, doing the Steve Martin and screaming, “The sky is falling! The sky is falling!” We were 24 hours away from getting ass-raped by Hurricane Sandy.

  • Skinema


    I started taking steroids yesterday as an act of thanks and joyous celebration. I felt it was my duty as a native of New Jersey.

  • Measure B Is a Pain in the Dick

    Let’s not bullshit ourselves, condoms flat out suck—both in one’s private life and in pornos. They’re uncomfortable boner-ruiners that girls are always trying to put holes in to get my babies. In porn, from a fan’s perspective, it’s just not stimulating to see a plastic bag going…

  • Skinema

    Anal Lessons

    Are there scouts in the porn business like in baseball who travel the minor-league circuit looking for the next big star? If so, I think that’s what I’d like to do when I grow up.

  • Meet the Nieratkos

    That Bitch Sandy Took Away My Porn

    Like most people in New Jersey, I lost power Sunday night due to that historic bitch, Hurricane Sandy. After three days without the internet I now know what it's like to be stranded on a deserted island for years.

  • Skinema

    The Dark Knight XXX: A Porn Parody

    Just as hip-hop died outside the Petersen Automotive Museum in Los Angeles, so did her big beautiful breasts in 1997. I’m no Columbo but I’ve seen a lot of episodes of 'Law & Order,' and I can’t help but wonder if the two crimes are somehow related. Perhaps her baby daddy killed…

  • Skinema

    Panty Pops

    I don’t know a whole lot about religion—aside from the fact that Easter candy is delicious and I thank God for it every April—but I imagine that the feeling that watching Panty Pops gives you, where the subject is so heavy that you just need to take a nap afterward, is what peopl…

  • Meet the Nieratkos - YOLO Killed My Crab Tee

    It’s a real shame when flash in the pan slang kills a part of classic Americana like the “I Got Crabs in Maryland” boardwalk t-shirt.

  • Skinema

    Joanna Angel - Part 1

    Chris and Joanna return to the home of her alma mater, Rutgers University, to walk around town and relive their salad days.

  • Meet The Nieratkos - My Buddy’s Dad Was a Blood Diamond Smuggler

    I thought my friend was blowing smoke up my ass when he used to tell me about his dad’s blood diamond ring and beating guys within an inch of their lives with a chair. Guess not.