Nocturnal Submissions

Close to the Goodyear Blimp

1986, I’m somewhere off the 110 freeway close to the Goodyear Blimp in Gardena. I’m dodging potholes, spinning yarns in my head, thinking about all the things I’m gonna be someday. I drive slowly looking for models in the shadows, but what I see is a clump of mean- and bitter-looking men drinking and stumbling, watching each other die because there is nothing better to do. Full story

Skinema

Superman vs. Spider-Man: A Porn Parody

The most successful major motion pictures in recent years have been superhero movies, and the most lucrative pornos over the past five years have been spoofs, so it’s no surprise that there have been a shit-ton of superhero spoofs lately. Full story

Nocturnal Submissions

Big Motherfuckin' Boobies

Scot Sothern is a Los Angeles-based photographer and a big prostitute fan. Over the past two decades Scot has slept with and/or photographed a plethora of LA’s sex workers. His photos invoke such a visceral reaction in the viewer, and raise so many questions, that we decided to g… Full story

Is Bam Margera Really Unfunny Now? Or Am I Being Trolled?

Obviously, Bam Margera's new video is terrible. I was just getting ready to send it to everyone I know so we could all LOL together, but then somebody pointed out to me that it might be satire, rather than Bam actually attempting to make something that people might find funny. An… Full story

Catholic Guilt Ruined My Sex Life

He told me about his strict Catholic upbringing and how it was sinful for us to be having sex out of wedlock, and that his mother would “die” if she ever found out. I was the second girl he’d ever slept with, but he still made me feel cheap. Full story

Dear Kelly McClure, My Name Is Penis, I'm Not New Here

So yesterday I (Kelly McClure) wrote a thing about how guys piss on restroom floors because they don't know how to work their dicks and it made a lot of people upset in some way or another. One random guy wrote me a five paragraph email about it, and then our own beloved Ben John… Full story

Vito Fun's Fall Photo Dump

Every year around this time, winter makes us forget what it feels like to be warm and we start to wonder if the sun will ever return to our frigid planet. Lucky for us, Vito Fun recently rummaged through his last remaining photos from 2012 and sent us a few reminders that maybe o… Full story

Why I Love Watching Ron Jeremy Fuck

To witness Ron Jeremy have intercourse is to witness a grizzly bear eat a flamingo, or an orphan try to break into a vending machine. You don't masturbate to Ron Jeremy having sex, because using a Ron Jeremy scene to masturbate is like using a volcano to barbecue—it’s probably he… Full story

Tubesteak

How to Suck an Uncut Cock

There comes a moment in every American cocksucker’s (and I use that term as an honorific) life when he/she pulls down a pair of trousers and is met not with a well-shorn sailor, but a hooded monk. Yes, I'm talking about the rare occasion (in America and Israel, at least) when you… Full story

Things I Have Fished Out of People's Butts

Bedposts, doorknobs, mayonnaise jars, candles, a small pistol, a grocery and newspaper combo, a 12-inch long and 8-inch wide salami, tennis balls, an aluminum tube, axe handles, soldering irons, and a frozen pig's tail to name a few. Full story

Skinema

No Warning 7: Ambushed

I arrived back home in New Jersey the airport was full of fearful folk running around with their hands above their heads, doing the Steve Martin and screaming, “The sky is falling! The sky is falling!” We were 24 hours away from getting ass-raped by Hurricane Sandy. Full story

The Woman Who Trains Dogs to Have Sex with Humans

Meet Anna, a mature Ukrainian prostitute who doesn't seem at all upset about her job. Full story

The First Time I Got Eaten Out

I was dressed as if Rachel from 'Friends' threw up all over me: a floor-length strapless gown that was ruched across the middle and pencil-thin eyebrows, translucent Christina Ricci skin, a bouffant “half-up-half-down” hairdo, and deep plum lipstick. He wore a satin tie. Full story

Tubesteak

How to Get Laid at the Gym

Most guys approach the gym like Clint Eastwood walking into a shootout: they want to be alone, they want to be very serious, and they'll kill anyone who comes near them. That is the exact opposite of the attitude you need if you want to score some gym-toned ass. Full story