There are 12 million items across Amazon’s various categories, and after spelunking into as many as possible over the years in search of the site’s best finds, we came up beaming with gourmet sea salt flakes, self-described “scrumptious” body pillows, and a vibrator whose 56,800 reviews guarantee “need-an-exorcism level” orgasms. All great picks, we know—but what about the stuff that’s just as good, but even more… unique? Bizarre? Unexpected?
Beyond the initial pastures of Amazon’s bulk deals on protein powder and ankle socks, you’ll find the kinds of wares that wet/lucid/nightmarish dreams are made of [Long Furby has entered the chat]. There are so many incredible items that fly under the radar on the site, including chicken harnesses, lamps that look like Truffula trees, and wearable lobster claws. They, too, deserve their day in the sun. Batteries and baby wipes may be the biggest best-sellers right now, but with a little hype, we think Amazon’s portrait potatoes could steal the crown.
It takes a lot of sleuthing to find all the weird stuff on Amazon, past the point where most people with social lives would give up. Lucky for you, we haven’t left our mossy log for decades (it has Wi-Fi now!) and we’re committed to being your personal, tireless slinger of Shrek butt plugs, at-home pizza ovens, cursed board games, and more. And, if you let us be your guide through the unhinged layers of the weirdest things
in the Inferno on Amazon, we promise you’ll find something that you probably don’t need—but definitely can’t live without.
Ever wanted to use the power of animalistic body smells to excite the nethers of those around you? Roll-on pheromones walked so that all those new, highly aesthetic libido-enhancing gummies could run. This trusty, TSA-friendly blend by Pure Instinct has over 52,000 reviews on Amazon, with one reviewer writing that on days when she wears it to her serving job, her “tips were considerably higher on a regular basis.” Another writes, “Long story short, I got laid the first day with this stuff.”
Your next Freudian body pillow
The options are endless for this Freudian face pillow, but if you don’t take Herr Doktor to your next White Elephant party, you can always use his face as a new pillow/piece of sex furniture. He’d appreciate the irony.
… On second thought, here’s one if you’re more into contemporary psychology/daytime television.
A chicken harness
No more losing your
sub chicken at the mall.
Productivity-destroying prank beeper
This thing will beep for three years. (Hopefully you’ll be over your vendetta against its recipient at that point.) But in the meantime, know that this baby will go off at random intervals between five and 45 minutes to drive your target crazy. One reviewer named Ken put it in his boss’ office. “The key is don’t tell anyone what you are doing,” he writes, “If they do find out [...] I’ll probably get fired. But it’s so worth it. It’s the best when it beeps and [my boss] says ‘Did you hear that f-ing beeping?’ and I say, looking in his eyes… “I don’t hear anything.”
We brake for Long Furbs
Long Furby owes its genesis to Tumblr, where a user named Aloe asked the internet, “What if Furby was.... Longer…?” in 2018, and started transforming Hasbro’s weirdest toy into a next-level, long-ass version of itself on furbyfuzz.tumblr.com. A real Long Furby can set you back over a hundred dollars, so in the meantime, we’ll be pledging out allegiance with this bumper sticker.
Who knew your next BFF/blow-up doll would be a horse? Try taking it to the beach, and let us know how it fares in the waves.
A massive tortilla-inspired blanket
You laugh—but this tortilla blanket is one of the few items on this list to straddle the line between mainstream Amazon best-sellers and some of the more
degenerate underground items. With a 4.8-star average rating from over 55,000 reviews, it’s one of the platform’s best tortilla-shaped blankets. (Yes, there are many.) “Purrrrfect for me and my cat to cuddle together,” writes one fan. “His name is taco, and I made him a purrito.”
Live ‘mystery’ snails
The ethics of this one feel questionable, but in case you were wondering: Yes, you can buy live snails on Amazon. “Named [mine] Bernie, Bananas, and Alfred,” writes one reviewer.
For the next game night
Just when we thought we’d seen all the best NSFW games, the Doody Head Game comes in hot and ready for a poop bag. “Don’t know who came up with the Doody Head Game,” writes one fan, “but drunk me loved it and sober me is passing it on.”
Screen print your face onto a potato
“I hand these out to advertise my business,” writes one Amazon reviewer of these custom potato… portraits? Pictures? “It's a little more difficult than a regular business card as I have to carry a massive sack of potatoes everywhere I go.” Still, worth it. True art pushes boundaries, but these mash them.
Cursed Garfield—or “Garfielf,” as one reviewer named John calls him—has seen some shit, and has a 4.8-star average Amazon rating (and that K-hole gaze) to show for it. “Ruined my life and I love it,” John continues. “[I] only exist to serve him. Also he drank all my brandy and knocked-out on the couch. 10/10 would recommend.”
This realistic poodle mask
We found the gnarliest masks on Earth for you last Halloween, and this realistic poodle made the cut as one of the most unsettling. Snag one for the coming fall, or enjoy it during the summer on all fours at the dog park.
Articulated finger puppet claws
We’ve been needing these for the next time we hide under your bed.
“Some goats started chewing on mine,” writes one reviewer of this food-printed socks, which comes in a range of motifs such as raw meat, waffles, and corn. “I am not sure if it is just because they were goats or if they truly believed my ankles were [food]. I'd like to think the latter. Goats are rad.”
A dildo bouncy ball
When sitting on a dick isn’t enough, you put on your leather horse mask and hop away into the sunset on this one. “My Stepmom loves it!” writes one fan.
See you in Hell.
The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story. Want more reviews, recommendations, and red-hot deals? Sign up for our newsletter.