Bonjour, mon bébé. It's time for Mommie Dearest Day, the yearly epicenter of mommy issues, and the one day each spring when we try to (somehow?) pay back the women who literally grew us in their wombs (so weird when you really think about it), made us infinity macaroni and cheese, and literally and figuratively wiped our tuchuses as we slowly. painfully blossomed into the funky little freakazoids we've come to be. We salute you, people who raise children. It sounds hard.
But those are our moms. We're thinking about your mom. Man, she is really something… a goddess. A wildcat! We sure like her. In fact, we spent a couple of days and long, candlelit nights, just like the video for Celine Dion's "It's All Coming Back to Me," thinking all about her and what she might want to receive on that fine May day all about putting her on a pedestal like the luminescent pearl she is of this world's oyster. Here are 69 lock 'n' load ideas for what to get your sweet, squishy mommy. These are the true, actual, best Mother's Day gift ideas, for whoever is the literal, spiritual, or metaphorical mama in your life. Something for everyone. We promise.
1. Shrimps Shrimp Motif Crystal Earrings
All garlic shrimp everything—even jewelry.
$190 at Farfetch
2. Vaccination Card Holder
Because we love Mommy but she loses everything, and we don't want her to lose the vax card that will eventually get her back to Club Med.
$11 at Etsy
3. Daddy Baseball Hat
So Mommy can stan Daddy or be Daddy :)
$22 at Urban Outfitters
4. Master Cleanse scalp wash
No one is mad at a refreshing, tingly scalp massage.
$14.99 at TPH by Taraji
5. The Mixed Pack
Mommy's sunset-watching juice, conveniently packaged into cute single-serving vials.
$96 at Usual Wines
6. Rolser Stair-Climbing Rolling Cart
So Mommy can easily haul her stuff up the stairs if you're not around to help.
$140 at Food52
7. Stainless Steel Spaetzle Maker
Have you had spaetzle? It's really good.
$27.99 $16.95 at Amazon
8. I'd Rather Be Dancing Bumper Sticker
We've all seen Mommy have a couple of glasses of Beringer chardonnay and cut loose on the dance floor of our cousin's wedding the second "I Will Survive" blasts outta those speakers.
$5 at Etsy
9. Psychedelic Scarf
Maybe Mommy did LSD, maybe she didn't, but either way she may wish to protect her gorgeous coiffure should she find herself riding shotgun in a Thunderbird.
$180 at Acne Studios
10. Writing a Romance Novel for Dummies book
It's never too late for Mommy to become the next E.L. James.
$19.99 $18.39 at Bookshop
11. Collina Strada Green Rhinestone Water Bottle
We want to see your mother shimmer and glimmer while she quenches that thirst.
$100 at SSENSE
12. Vintage 90’s BOB SEGER 1996 It's a Mystery Tour Shirt
Moms love Seger. It's fact.
$49.99 at eBay
13. Dolce & Gabbana x SMEG Sicily Is My Love Espresso Machine
Spoil Mommy with this stupidly luxurious designer espresso machine, which she will hopefully someday bequeath right back to you.
$1,500 at Horchow
14. Faux Leather Lobster Mini Shoulder Bag
Take her out for steak, call it surf 'n' turf.
$42 at Etsy
15. Coleman SaluSpa Hawaii 4-Person Outdoor Portable Inflatable Hot Tub
Again, you've gotta use the ol' bean and choose gifts that you will also have access to the pleasures of using.
$649.99 at Amazon
16. Grune Fluffy Pom Pom Slippers
Silly, sexy muppet puppet energy that is also bizarrely chic.
$16.90 at YesStyle
17. The Painter's Wife Sarah Style 07 Blue + Yellow Dog Raincoat
So Mommy can spoil Mommy's fluffy baby.
$118 at Design Milk
18. Hanega Vinegar Minis Set
These little vinnies make perfect salad dressings or spritzers for tart, healthy mommies.
$50 at 107
19. Unger Professional Nifty Nabber Reacher Grabber Tool
You know who went through 16 hours of labor to bring your dumb ass to this Earth, changed too many diapers, did googolplex dishes, and shouldn't have to get off the sofa to grab the remote? Mama.
$18.99 at Amazon
20. Emma Hardy Studio Wiggle Oblongs / Patterned Statement Earrings
For funky art teacher mommy energy.
$47.94 at Etsy
21. Easy Grip Hand Health Mug
Cool-looking and ideal for the klutzy, coffee-sloshin’ mamacitas among us.
$20, at Uncommon Goods
22. Revolution R180 High Speed Smart Toaster
For mommies who love gluten and gadgets, and want the latest in crust-caramelization technology.
$299.95 at Revolution Cooking
23. The Day Off Bouquet with Vase
Some of you were just scanning this list looking for flowers. Typical. Fine. Here are some particularly pretty ones.
$90 at The Sill
24. Royal Jelly Harlem Pom Pom Apron in Blue Sunflowers
So that Mom looks très chic whether she's whipping up an entire spread or just a PB&J.
$48 at Amazon
25. Giant Holographic Dominos Set
So Mommy can play strip dominoes with Daddy.
$18 at Anthropologie
26. Milk Bar Assorted Truffles Gift Box
Have you had these? UNFFFGH. Should be illegal. Great gift.
$42 at Milk Bar
27. Light Phone 2
Because social media is hell, and we don't want your mom to suffer in hell, so we give her a super-streamlined, purposely low-feature phone for keeping her beautiful mind clear of BS. Just texting, calling, and pretty much nothin’ else. (We want one, too.)
$350 at Uncrate
28. The At Home Adjustable Oxygen Bar
So 90s, we just love it. This "personal oxygen bar ... increases the concentration of oxygen inhaled from 35% to 90% for calm relaxation." Present with an appletini on the side.
$499.95 at Hammacher Schlemmer
29. Mutha Body Butter
This gorgeous stuff is "a whipped trifecta of shea, cocoa, and mango butters, [plus] vitamins, fatty acids, and pure seed extracts." [extremely deep voice] Ohhh yeahhhh baby, that's smooth.
$95 at Mutha
30. Jumbo Wine Glass
It’s always glug ‘o clock, and not just for wine. Fill this giant chalice with a non-alcoholic spritzer, rose petals, or ranch dressing.
$120 on Etsy
31. Mongolian Cashmere Robe
It’s actually bananas to get a cashmere robe for this price.
$299 $169.90, at Quince
32. Brightland Olive Oil Duo
Hereby making a plea for heritage olive oil to be its own micro-influencer. Two bottles for under 75 bucks.
$74 at Brightland
33. Recycled Glass Country House Flutes (set of 4)
“Oh, yeah. They use these at Soho farmhouse, too,” she’ll brag to the ghouls when she hosts her next (vaccinated) brunch.
$48 at Soho Home
34. Candle of the Month Club 6-Month Subscription
Peony scents for spring, pine trees for winter. This candle subscription is a swank-ass scratch ‘n sniff situation, basically. So much better than an advent calendar.
$150 at Brooklyn Candle Studio
35. Vintage Earth, Wind & Fire Japanese Let's Groove Tote
There is no mom, not a single one, who will not shake it to Earth, Wind & Fire. This makes her the coolest one of all at the farmers market.
$15.99 at eBay
36. Tushy Spa 3.0 Bidet
As someone recently told us, “If your face fell in poo, you would fully wash it. So why don’t we do that for our bums?” If you're buying Tushy's beloved butt stuff, use the code MOM for 10% off through May 9.
$149 $119 at Tushy
37. Area Silver Crystal Fringe Mask Cover
Is it mummy’s mouth, or the entryway to a fortune teller’s den at St. Marks Place?
$350 at SSENSE
38. Me Time CBD Bath Salts Gift Set
Bath salts. CBD. Sounds fun. [Beavis and Butt-Head snort]
$40 at Foria
39. Wagwear WagWellies
Dog shoes. Nothing wrong with that. My hands look like this so her paws can look like that.
$49 at Design Milk
40. The Comfy Oversized Microfiber & Sherpa Wearable Blanket
One of our writer’s mothers wears this to the YMCA (pre and post-pool), and at home while watching Huell Howser on California’s Gold reruns.
$44.99 $39.99 at Amazon
41. 90s Vintage Sleepless In Seattle Movie Promo Hat
Mommies love rom coms. Sleepless in Seattle is THE rom com. Special vintage hat for Mommy.
$120 at eBay
42. Madly Hadley Organic Vegan Coconut Bacon
Vegan bacon bits for wedge salads, BLATs (that's a BLT with avocado, duh), or just out-of-bag snackin' on the sofa.
$14.99 at Etsy
43. Neve White Patent Shoes
Whiteboard platform sandals that come with their own dry erase marker. Perfect for the Miss Frizzle mom. (The OG Jewish lesbian Frizz, not the reformed one.)
$356 at Amelie Pichard
44. Hot Sox Women's Cosmo Cocktail Sock
It's about time the Cosmo got a little respect. Plus, good for pampering Mommy's tired feet after she slathers them in $150 worth of Crème de la Mer.
$7.99 at Amazon
45. Nature Spring Green Foam Kneeling Pad
One of our writers bought this for her parents, who love it for kneeling whilst gardening and picking up the grandbaby’s tantrum tater tots.
$12.47 at Lowe’s
46. Carmel Original Boyfriend Muscle Man Arm Novelty Pillow Insert
No matter Mommy's relationship status, ain't nothing wrong with being embraced by a disembodied muscle man pillow to keep actual or potential daddies on their toes.
$61.99 at Wayfair
47. Sunnylife Lucite Tower
It's a big rainbow crystal Jenga, for both enthusiastic display and highly competitive game nights.
$140 at Ban.do
48. HUE Women's Pajama Legging Set Infused with CBD Oil
Yes, they make CBD-infused sleepwear stuff now. Of course we did a test run for mother.
$140 at Amazon
49. Optimist Botanicals Bright distilled non-alcoholic spirit
Not all mommies are wine mommies. Optimist is perfect for booze-free spritzers and sippin', with zero hangover so she'll still make it to pole-dancing class tomorrow morn.
$35 at Optimist
50. Kirin Faux-Fur Logo Print Hat
This hat has swallowed an entire box of crayons just to be here. And thank god!
$246 $123 at Farfetch
51. YETI Rambler One-Gallon Jug
Read YETI’s description, and just tell me it wasn’t written by a mom: “Thirst is not something we take lightly. The Rambler One Gallon Jug is designed to be damn near indestructible while keeping every drop of precious water perfectly cold.” Also, this color is delightfully called “King Crab Orange.”
$129.99 at YETI
52. HoMedics Shiatsu Air Pro Foot Massager with Heat
Send Mommy’s feet into the void. Prepare to carry her everywhere, as she may never pull her piglets out of this relaxation station.
$149.99 at Bed Bath & Beyond
53. Sport Pogo Stick
Is she in the market for a new set of teeth? Lose them in high-flying style.
$43 at Wish
54. Oyster Bottle Opener
To be used whilst that one Cole Porter oyster song plays in the background.
$50 at Coming Soon
55. Longworth Dog Sofa
Mommy isn't just your mommy; she is also Precious's mommy. And Precious deserves a Chesterfield sofa.
$139.99 at Wayfair
56. Modern Society Kyoto Water Cup and Water Jug
Crafted in Los Angeles by two bluebirds.
$38–$145 at Garmentory
57. Kicky Mats P. Wagon Keychain
This way to the station wagon/Gremlin/tandem bicycle.
$12 at Black Owned Everything
Black Owned Everything is a Black-owned business selected as part of Black+, an initiative by VICE Media Group and The National Urban League to support Black Entrepreneurs with free marketing and mentorship opportunities.
58. Drayton glasses
Because her face is the marquee, and it deserves some razzle dazzle framework.
$28.95 at Zeelool
59. Original Puffy Blanket
Basically a puffer as a blanket for all impending outdoor activities (hiking, camping, drinking on lawns).
$99 at Rumpl
60. Cane Mixing Bowl by Mason Cash
The bowl is classy and strong, but embellished. The bowl is a metaphor (for mom).
$29 at Sur La Table
61. Nostalgia MSB64 64-Ounce Margarita & Slush Maker
$45.98 at Amazon
62. Lavender Blooming Potted Plant with Mister
Lavender is supposed to ease anxiety, and scare away spiders. Or, Mommy can pick it and sprinkle it in her candlelit bath.
$39.99 at Plants.com
63. Life Without Chocolate 520-Piece Puzzle
For the mom who is both Live, Laugh, Love and Sk8 or Die.
$44.60 at Zazzle
64. Susanne Kaufmann Oil Bath for the Senses
She will want her own personal bird bath for this oil of ylang ylang tree, patchouli plant, and lavender. Guess that’s a bathtub.
$76 at The Sleep Code
65. Nubia Silk-Lined Headwrap
Handmade and ready to protect her tresses. More than mere mortal hands can do.
$38 at Cee Cee's Closet
Cee Cee's Closet is a Black-owned business selected as part of Black+, an initiative by VICE Media Group and The National Urban League to support Black Entrepreneurs with free marketing and mentorship opportunities.
66. Women/Men's 3D-Print Slayer Sweatsuit
“I’m not like a regular mom. I’m a Slayer mom.”
$220 at Wish
67. Rubik's Cube Satchel Bag
For the mother with eternal sudoku or Pee-Wee Herman energy.
$14.50 at ROMWE
68. Sitting Pretty Oversized Brown Bear Statue with Paw Seat
Lumbersexual momma bear, hovering over her cubs Design Toscano style.
$4,250 $3,999 at Design Toscano
69. The Infrared Supine Sauna
Don’t sweat it. Sweat aaaaall of it, in a giant techno clam full of alien powers.
$14,500 at Hammacher Schlemmer
HAPPY DAY, MA.
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