I Dropped Out of School Because of COVID

This article originally appeared on VICE Belgium.

The pandemic has turned many students’ lives upside down. Trapped in an endless cycle of Zoom calls and breakout rooms, students across the world are frustrated by the lack of a plan around COVID and higher education. Most are hanging in there and trying to make the best of it, but with a record number of students reporting high levels of depression and anxiety, many have simply decided to call it quits, at least for now.

Below, students who’ve dropped out tell us how they arrived at the decision, and what lies ahead.

I never thought I would quit my degree. I was in my final semester and I only had to finish the last 3,000 words of my 12,000-word Bachelor’s thesis. Graduation was just around the corner. And yet, I lost my motivation.

I didn’t realise I wouldn’t be able to finish until two days before my thesis was due. I just woke up and thought, ‘I’m done.’ I know for sure it was the pandemic, because I’d never had issues with other papers in the past. It wasn’t a question of whether or not I was capable.

It was a tough decision. I struggle thinking about how much money my parents invested in my studies before I quit, just like that. I felt like a disappointment. But no matter how hard I tried this past semester, I just couldn’t continue. Luckily, my mum supported my choice.

I wish the university could have offered more transparency and support. There were times in April and June of 2020 when I couldn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. I felt I was the only one who wanted to give up. Usually, getting together with fellow students helps to put these feelings in perspective, to realise you’re not the only person struggling. But there was no way for us to do that.

It’s not all bad, though – I recently started art school, which I’d always wanted to do after finishing my degree. I feel a lot better now.

In journalism school, you often have to leave your house to do your assignments. I was extremely scared, because since I have type 1 diabetes, I’m considered high-risk for COVID-19. Naturally, I failed the subjects which required real life-interaction, and my grades dropped. I lost all motivation. After failing my exams a second time, I decided to give up my studies. 

It took me a while to make up my mind – I thought I’d regret it in the future and feared it’d be too hard to find a job without a degree. My mum didn’t fully support my decision either. She told me to do a shorter course just to get some qualifications. I decided that wasn’t for me. After I quit, I immediately started looking for a job, and I’m glad I found one pretty quickly. I currently work in the customer service department of a supermarket. I really wanted to become financially independent, and my job made that possible.

Quitting was a big relief. Plus, being surrounded by appreciative co-workers at my new job makes me feel good. I want to remind other people that there is hope and that giving up doesn’t always equal failing.

There are a few reasons why I dropped out. First off, I was studying at Sint-Pieterscollege in Jette [Brussels], a very elitist school. The teachers would often humiliate me, and there was a very competitive atmosphere among students. I’m a metalhead and I have long hair – my style didn’t fit into that world. If I’m honest, I’ve never felt good at school. I’m mad at the educational system. The way things are taught doesn’t connect with me. I believe the entire system needs an overhaul to catch up with the times.

Because I was desperate to finish the school year, I enrolled at a boarding school. There, for the first time, I felt like I could study and do my homework. But the lockdown was announced at the end of my first week. After going home, I stopped doing my homework. I was in a complete state of denial and wanted to distance myself from my home life. My sense of responsibility seemed to evaporate as soon as I came home. I don’t know why. 

At the end of the school year, I decided to turn in a writing project so that my teachers could decide whether to pass me or not. I wrote an essay about the Vikings where I presented my knowledge of geography, history, language, religion and other subjects. My teachers wouldn’t accept it and put a lot of pressure on me. My dad and I had to fight to get it approved. I passed, but the whole process was so discouraging I decided not to go back to school in September.

Now, I’m happy to say I’ve quit school entirely. I got in touch with the organisation SAS Parenthese, which helps young people who haven’t graduated high school. We take photos, draw, paint and go to art exhibitions. They even taught me how to row a boat. On Wednesdays, we have a writing workshop, which I also love.

I might go back to school one day, but for now I know what I want to do. I’m passionate about Medieval history and Scandinavian culture, and I want to become a blacksmith.

I entered the pandemic with a lot of emotional baggage. I’ve already been struggling with depression for four years after going through traumatic experiences with sexual assault, a difficult break-up and a complicated family situation.

The trial against my rapist was held during the first lockdown, but because of the restrictions I didn’t have access to my trusted therapist and psychiatrist. Everything was online, which didn’t help at all. Since everybody was working from home, my family was also constantly up in each other’s business. I started taking refuge in my room and filling my days with homework, purely out of boredom. It was a form of escapism.

At first, not leaving my comfort zone made me feel calm. But during the second lockdown, I broke down. I need to have people around me as a part of my healing process, but there was nothing going on for us students. Eventually, the support messages all started to sound the same. I felt the need for a good conversation with someone who was physically next to me. I slowly descended into a vicious cycle of negative thoughts and couldn’t eat. 

In the week of the 21st of December, 2020, I had a full crash. I felt empty, couldn’t sleep or eat, and kept having panic attacks. I couldn’t get out of bed and I cried all day long. In the end, it was my psychiatrist who suggested I take a break from my studies. I decided to put my mental health first and checked into a psychiatric hospital. With those pressures lifted off my shoulders, I immediately felt better. 

Admitting I wanted to drop out was very hard. Firstly, because I’m a perfectionist and have a big fear of failure, so I’m very hard on myself. I dreaded the idea of disappointing my parents. I was also angry at the Secretary of Education and the Belgian government – if they had done things differently, I might still be in school today.

I left the hospital on the 22nd of January and I’ve just started contemplating the future. I want to be a “regular student” again, but at the moment, I don’t feel strong enough.