If You Don’t Think the New M&Ms Are Sexy Enough, Here Are Some NSFW Links

"When you are totally turned off, we’ve achieved equity.”

Welcome to Rule 34, a series in which Motherboard’s Samantha Cole lovingly explores the highly specific fetishes that can be found on the web.

Fox News talk show host Tucker Carlson seems very upset that he can’t get horny about the brown and green M&Ms anymore, after Mars redesigned them to remove their sassy knee-high boots and stiletto heels. 

“M&M’s will not be satisfied until every last cartoon character is deeply unappealing and totally androgynous,” Carlson said last week on Tucker Carlson Tonight. “Until the moment you wouldn’t want to have a drink with any one of them. That’s the goal. When you are totally turned off, we’ve achieved equity.”

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Carlson’s right that this shit is a little ridiculous. According to M&M’s owner Mars, the change, made in the name of greater inclusion, signifies a “fresh, modern take on the looks of our beloved characters and more nuanced personalities to underscore the importance of self-expression and power of community through storytelling.” They gave the orange one a panic disorder, the red one is a narcissist, Blue is some kind of depressed stand-up comedian—at least, that’s my interpretation of their new character vignettes on the M&M’s website

It should be noted that the popup that appears when you navigate to this website features Red in repose, with the text “Let’s Hook Up!” The company is fully trolling us with this.

A screenshot of the M&Ms website showing a popup with the red M&M saying "Let's hook up!"

The green M&M’s become some kind of gaslight-gatekeep-girlboss whose best quality is “being a hypewoman for my friends.” Her knee-high white go-go boots are gone, replaced with a pair of white sneakers. 

The first time the green M&M was depicted as a sexual being was in a controversial 1997 Super Bowl commercial by the company, where comedian Dennis Miller approaches the animated candy in line for coffee and asks her, “Is it true what they say about the green ones?” (There’s an old urban legend, going back to the 1970s, that green M&M’s were an aphrodisiac.) She whips around and jumps him, somehow toppling the 5’9” man with her white boots on his chest, and grabs him by the collar of his polo, screaming, “That’s an ugly rumor! It’s a lie!” 

This is the green M&M that Mars would like to leave behind, much to Carlson’s dismay.

Like the outrage about Lola Bunny’s makeover for the new Space Jam, people’s opinions about this are all over the place, and generally unhinged. Corporations will do weird over-wrought branding stunts in the name of social progress until the sun implodes. The religious right hates sex work; the left has decried the objectification of women in mass media for decades. Carlson’s almost on to something with his criticism here: The sanitization and vilification of anything remotely sexual that’s become a sticking point in modern culture wars is a problem. But I haven’t seen anyone, so far, reading too much into this rebranding stunt by an ancient candy manufacturer. 

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Except Carlson, who is apparently quite attached to the green M&M’s original design. 

If you want to see sexualized M&M’s, you don’t have to wait for permission from Mars; there is already so much horny M&M content on the internet. 

Rule34.us, a site for erotic fan art, is a nice repository for illustrations of M&M’s with huge boobs, or taking off their shells, or giving humans blowjobs, or being penetrated by human men. There are tastefully clothed green M&M’s in the mix, too, if you’re into flirty but not filthy. Multiporn.net is another solid option.  

Fan art platform DeviantArt, naturally, is also full of hypersexual M&M’s, especially the green one. There’s some foot fetish combination stuff in there too

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Then there’s the live-action stuff. Laura Lux, a cosplayer on OnlyFans, did a green M&M cosplay just last year. Porn performer Steven Lucas has a scene on Pornhub where he has sex with someone wearing a green M&M costume you’d find at a Spirit Halloween, just a big, green, circular sack. 

(As an aside, it’s interesting that there’s so much heterosexual porn about the brown and green M&M’s, considering that they’re in a relationship and have been together since at least 2015. Doesn’t mean they can’t branch out, I guess.) 

Anyway, these are some places you can find the candy coated content you crave if you worry about Mars making M&M’s too androgynous. Hope this helps! 

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Tagged:

Rule 34, M&M's

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