Thank Us Later for This List of Stuff That’ll Make College Life Way Better

Look, we know that you’re gonna bring the essentials. You’re copping a mini fridge, a microwave, Christmas lights, a shitload of thumb tacks so you can arrange a Polaroid matrix on a 6' x 6' portion of your wall—you get it. We get it, too, which is why we’re not going to put you to sleep with a list of college dorm packing essentials that you (or your mom) are already planning on picking up from Walmart next week. No, sweet princes and princesses, we’re going to tell you the stuff you should bring to college that your folks—and the packing list provided by your school—aren’t going to. 

We’re not talking about fake IDs or bongs or cases of malt liquor—those, you’ll have to seek out on your own. (Unless you’re in the market for a fake mortician’s certificate. If so, let’s talk.) We’re talking about the little things that might not even have been invented during the era when your folks were in college. They didn’t even have the internet, for Pete’s sake, how are they supposed to know about the latest and greatest innovations in sneaking-booze-and-other-college-idiots-into-your-dorm technology? That’s what we thought. So, take some notes from people that have been in your shoes not too long ago, and don’t schedule any 8 a.m. classes.

Yeah, we get it, you’re going to college to get laid. And we truly hope you succeed. For the times when you don’t, however, procure something to help you with that great burden, cause you gotta keep those writing hands limber for taking notes. For my dudes in the house (let me get a “hell yeah”), we’ve got the Tenga Spinner, which VICE contributor Barclay Montrose loved. “The Tenga Spinner is a great example of something I wish I had had access to when I was discovering my own sexuality,” Montrose wrote. “It’s an option that’s far better than your hand, but not so involved that you’re going to need to get it its own room. It feels great, is durable, and is pretty inexpensive.”

If you’re not a penis having person, senior staff writer Mary Frances “Francky” Knapp explains the best vibrators here. TL;DR: The Satisfyer Pro 2 might make you skip a class or two.

There was a time when many a college dude hung Pulp Fiction and Fight Club posters up to show off their great taste in cool, new-ish movies. Enough time has passed that the irony circle is closed, and now you can sincerely hang up a Pulp Fiction poster to show off your taste in cool, older movies. Trust us, it makes sense.

Caffeine is the most widely consumed psychoactive substance in the world, and for good reason—it slaps. You wanna know why America won the Revolutionary War? Because we dumped all of the low-caffeine British tea into Boston Harbor and switched to the strong stuff. First, you need a killer coffee maker that’s easy to use. We love the Moccamaster for that. When we were in grad school [pushes glasses up nose], we’d brew a pot in the morning and have consumed the entire thing by the time the sun went down. Maybe also try a smart mug that will keep your mud at precisely the right temperature, and doesn’t use a hot plate, so don’t worry if you’re not allowed to bring exposed heating elements into the dorm. (But double check with your skewl, of course.)

Electric kettles are a great alternative to healing water in a microwave, especially because they won’t boil over and many have auto shut-off features. Also, they heat up a lot of water at a time, which is solid if you’re looking to make coffee, hot chocolate, or toddies. Or, you know, our fave from the good old days: some good old opium mushroom green tea.

She probably won’t buy that, but you should definitely buy this Sploofy personal air smoke filter, especially if you go to a city school or other college where the dorm rules are strictly enforced. If you’re a little gun shy about getting a sploof shipped to your house, just bring some dryer sheets instead—which is a totally normal thing to bring to school, plus your mother will be proud—and make one the old-fashioned way, like your ancestors used to do. Or, go all out on a DIY artisanal one (our forefathers called this a “doob tube”) that will make your dorm room smell like an expensive candle store instead of a head shop. It's the 2020s, baby. 

.. Or you might get stoned and forget to blow into your sploof. Either way, having a nice, scented candle (again, check if that’s cool) or some Febreze goes a long way in keeping your room smelling fresh. You, and any overnight guests, will appreciate it. 

When I was in school, they handed out brown, unlubed condoms on every floor of my dorm hall. Those simply will not do, so invest in some actually good ones from Swedish luxury sex brand LELO. These are thin as can be, and have a revolutionary hexagonal structure, which—according to those crafty Swedes—allows for increased strength. 

Perhaps you need to transport/store/serve 128 ounces of Travelers Club vodka, or whatever the shitty, bottom-shelf booze de jour is these days. (Popov? Georgi?) Or, you know, water. Either way, your dorm security people won’t know the difference, and whatever you’re drinking will stay ice cold or boiling hot (hot gin… yum) for hours in this YETI jug, which you can also take on future camping trips. 

You’re going to be spending a lot of time staring at a screen in college, whether it’s looking at homework, YouTube, or incessantly reading Rec Room, of course. At any rate, a pair of blue light glasses will help you avoid unnecessary eye stress and get to bed a little earlier, which might help with the hangovers. 

… And you’d be wise to invest in it, considering Chef Mike will likely be your only cooking appliance in your dorm room. The Anyday cookwarce line (backed by Momofuku's David Chang) is hot shit right now, and functions as a kitchen Swiss Army knife to cook everything from “a perfect pot of rice or poached eggs, to quick weeknight dinners with fish filets, chicken and more.” Or, more likely, ramen. 

Too busy to cook? Prefer your leftover pizza in liquid form? Or just like to start every day with a healthy, fruit- and protein powder-packed smoothie? Sure, you could get a trash blender for a few dozen bucks, or you could get an extremely good and hyped one for not that much more.

Now, if you’re a college-aged student reading this, you probably don’t remember what infomercials are, but trust us when we say that there was some pretty intriguing stuff on those long-form late night commercials, and the ones for these vacuum-sealing bags rocked particularly hard. You can shove a ton of clothing, bedding, and other soft stuff into these bags, then vacuum out the air to save a ton of space. Use it to stash your winter puffer, your sleeping bag, or whatever else you don't need right this moment. 

Dorm mattresses suck, and it’ll be a lot easier to convince people to "watch movies" upon your twin-XL throne with this sweet, memory foam mattress topper from Lucid. It’s also infused with lavender for “sleep-inducing softness,” and has five body zones to reduce numbness and stress at common pressure points. 

In case the (weed)pocalypse happens

OK, the bomb drops (the one from Oppenheimer—yes, that was real). Electronics no longer work. Your vapes are empty; your bong was damaged in the fallout. Ever wonder why your elders are already dead inside? Well, it could be the fact that so many of us at one point or another smoked weed out of a light bulb. That’s right, bro—light bulbs were the original vaporizers. Keep some handy just in case. And if you run out, there’s always, you know, Chipotle receipts.

Enjoy it while it lasts, young students of the world. And don’t forget to do at least some of the readings. 

The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story.