Passing out on the couch was a running theme across our many booze- and takeout-filled quarantine nights, remember? You’d be rewatching Lord of The Rings for the third time, but not even the good-looking elf guy (we should probably watch them again) could keep your eyelids from getting heavy. You'd start to drift off, imagining a world where you could go back to licking subway poles and pissing off bartenders.
Suddenly, your Netflix-induced rigor mortis would wear off, causing the wine glass that was clutched in your palid hand to plummet to the ground, shattering. Broken glass flew across your living room floor and that $16 red blend (that’s actually pretty good) irreparably stained your faux animal skin rug. You vowed never to let that happen again, but LOTR is a trilogy, which meant that this dismaying pattern continued for three nights, two bottles, and one lonely sucker who’d broken all of their wine glasses. (Yep—that's you.)
Now, take it easy, cowboy; all is not lost. From the scattered remains of dollar store Bordeaux goblets will rise a new legion of sturdier wine glasses that you can curate to your heart's content. It’s a common misconception that wine glasses need to be boring-looking, flimsy, clear, or even made of actual glass. (Big Glass has you right where they want you, people. It’s time to break free.)
And while we know you’ll have a more difficult time breaking these non-boring options, we can’t promise you won’t continue to fall asleep on the sofa with your contacts in.
Your hands are made of Legos
Adult Legos, mind you. These stout, elegant glasses are inspired by places where the median annual temperature is a booty-grazing, sunglasses-happy 62 degrees Fahrenheit.
Moroccan Spanish-Style Wine Glasses (Set of 6), $84 at Food52
The ones that are ready for reality TV
Go waaaay back to the darkest time of quarantine. Remember how every goddamn picnic scene in Love Is Blind featured metallic-looking wine glasses? These give the same energy, but in a less-cursed 2021 version that *also* feels a touch more Lisa Frank.
Mirage 16 oz. Plastic Stemless Wine Glass, $26.85 at Wayfair
From the queen of kitsch American hotels
We reference the Madonna Inn in San Luis Obispo, California, at least three times a day (and in our roadside motel bucket list). It’s an old-school haven of pink-velvet-lined dining rooms, animatronic dolls on swings, and whatever else it must look like inside Dolly Parton’s brain. It has also inspired kitsch hotels across America since its opening in 1958. But out of all of its sparkly bells and whistles (and there are many, including a grotto pissoir), it's the Madonna ~exclusive~ wine glasses that most embody its spirit. These babies are dishwasher-safe, and so sturdy you could smash them into a rock and they’d probably be golden. (Like their mothership, they stand the test of time.) Bring that same energy to your home. Hot tip: They’re almost always sold-out on the Madonna’s site, so hunt for them on eBay.
Madonna Inn Glasses (Set of 8), $100 at eBay
The Barefoot Contessa would approve
It’s midnight when Ina calls, and asks if you’d care to join her and the gals for a weekend of cooking for Jeffrey in the Hamptons, making small talk with quaint butchers, and sipping infused bevragines. Of course you can make it! And of course you have the perfect transitional glasses to take you from cucumber water, to iced tea, to rosé.
MICHLEY Unbreakable Tritan Plastic Stemmed Wine Glasses (Set of 2), $11.99 at Amazon
You can no longer be trusted with glass objects
These chic stemmed tumblers are crafted from acrylic and designed to mimic the look and feel of glass. Translation: No more closing off entire parts of your home while you search for tiny shards of broken glass.
Rainbow Acrylic Stemmed Tumblers, Set of 4, $38 at Terrain
Get your birth stone color, because it’s about you
Well, isn’t this nice? You can order these green (we’re calling them “emerald”) polymer drinking vessels from William Sonoma, whose glasses—in addition to being very aesthetically pleasing—manage to feel sturdy but not clunky. Order a set of the “emerald,” and just say you were born in May (best birth stone, if we’re being honest).
Sol Outdoor Red Wine Glasses, (Set of 6) at Williams Sonoma
Plastic pints of Pinot are the move in 2021
This set of three 20-ounce tumblers and three 15-ounce tumblers are made from crystal-clear plastic that won’t shatter after you knock back a few glasses of the good stuff.
Vintage Trumpet Shaped 6 Piece 20 oz. Acrylic Glassware Set, $23.99 at Wayfair
You’re an adult baby
You are the final boss of being clumsy—mostly due to an inner ear thing, probably, but also because you’re into feeling like a wittle wittle baby. (These 80s-inspired oversized objects will help you achieve that fantasy.)
Reusable 10 oz Plastic Assorted Glassware Set, $9.74 at Wayfair
“Yes, I’ve been to the Majorelle Garden”
We haven’t, but no matter. These deep blue, stemless gluggers deliver all the romance of Yves Saint Laurent’s villa in Marrakech, even if we don’t know what we’re talking about. Just keep the wine flowing.
Estelle Colored Stemless Wine Glass, Cobalt (Set of 6), $160 at Lulu and Georgia
For the mom who lives, laughs, loves to fall asleep in her glass
We had to throw one of these in here. It’s all fun and games until mama breaks out the Chardonnay. Which, admittedly, could happen at any moment, so these portable, collapsible glasses will make sure you’re always ready to throw down on some Yellowtail.
Uinta 12 oz. Plastic All Purpose Wine Glasses,
$31.99 $21.99 at Wayfair
You know what never shatters, but always slams? Your Metallica goblet. There are only three things you can sip from this chalice: Wine, Gatorade, and blood.
Metallica Master of Puppets Goblet,
$46.99 $43.86 Amazon
So may the roof above us never fall in, and the friends below it never fall out. Raise a new, hard-to-break wine glass, and guzzle.
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