The Best Non-Traditional Mother's Day Bouquets, From Thongs to Salami

Dried flowers, underwear, sausages—there are some decidedly unique alternatives to grocery-store roses out there for unique Mother's Day bouquets.

Mother is bored, darling [takes Parliament drag]. It’s always year in and year out of the Same Old sedated grocery store tulips or roses and baby’s breath, which is fine for a casual Wednesday purchase but… this year? This year, Mommy just might punt them out of your hands if she gets another sad, wilt-in-a-day bouquet. After everything we’ve been through in the past few years, this year’s obligatory floral arrangement deserves a little more pizazz.

If it’s flowers you seek, they’d better bring her a lot of personality and drama, or not even be "flowers" at all. Lest we should forget: We live in a world where a bouquet of crayfish is just a click away. So why would ye settle for anything less than an under-the-sea fantasy? 

This Mother’s Day, the goal is simply to strike a balance between the delightful, the edible, and the unforgettable. Gather daisies by the railroad tracks, and do a jig. Give her some tingly ASMR gifts, like a skull-clutching scalp massager. Even if you’re not within traveling distance of dear Mother, or the mother-esque person in your life, there are plenty of clever bouquet crafters online hawking Stevie Nicks-worthy pampas bouquets, forever felt flowers (for the crafty mother), and meat medleys for food lovers. In the words of one charcoochie purveyor, “Flowers start to wilt after a couple of days, but salami’s meaty goodness just keeps on going.” It brings a tear to our eyes, so let’s find some of the best non-traditional bouquets for Mother’s Day.


This bouquet of pure serotonin

Bless the elves who brought together these billy balls, broom blooms, and hydrangea for a dried bouquet that will really hold on to its color with time. Even comes with a vase, so all you have to do is smash that order button and include a corny sun aphorism. 

Urban Stems
The Honeycomb Bouquet

$80 at Urban Stems

Your mother is a witch

Essentially, the contents of a Pagan cauldron have been stood upright for this dried bouquet, which includes a mix of lowkey, earthy goodness of thistle and eucalyptus with pops of color and texture from mini pampas and honey-hued billy balls. It would be exhausting, if it didn’t all come together so effortlessly. Bonus points for whomstever branded this arrangement “The Catskill.” Send it to your East Coast mother with a Grey Gardens-adjacent book

Urban Stems
The Catskill

$90 at Urban Stems

Pamper her

Here’s an idea: Buy a gorgeous, single Sun Palm and fan your mother for 15 minutes. 

Bloomist
Sun Palm

$35 at Bloomist

These women-felted flowers

Big Kindred Sisterhood energy for these, which were felted by women artisans in Nepal. They don’t just come in one pre-arranged set (which would be cool enough); You can pick and choose from dozens of options (felt sunflowers, tea roses, peonies, alliums, lotus, and more) for your forever bouquet. And remember: She can’t kill them, because they were never alive! 

Global Goods Partners
Handmade Felt Flowers & Eucalyptus Bouquets

$24 at Food52

Glass flowers never wilt

Is your mother a semi-controlling ice queen with poreless skin, lots of David Yurman bracelets, and a semi-secret love of The Good Witch on Hallmark? Then she deserves some blown-glass flowers, which would look just as nice in her living room as they would her office.

Red Co.
Decorative Glass Spring Flower Bouquet with Vase

$24.95 at Amazon

Oprah’s favorite snausages

How simpler things were, in the pre-Instagram shopping years. It was the era of Pimp My Ride, the Next bus, Cameron Diaz starring in things, and Oprah dutifully telling us which candles to huff via her “Favorite Things”—the ultimate starter pack before starter packs! This meat medley was actually on HRH’s Favorite Things round-up recently, but the bouquet of Olympia Provisions' Chorizo Rioja, Saucisson Sec, and Nola salamis transitions beautifully into Mother Season, because charcuterie instantly elevates any activity, and these schlongs were crafted “from all natural Northwest pork using old world techniques that have all but gone extinct.”Extinct! How worldly, and high drama. How mama. 

Olympia Provisions
Salami Bouquet

$59.95 at Goldbelly

Flesh out that meat bouquet with some jerky

Want to plate up an even meatier meat bouquet? Here’s a next-level option from Man Crates (LOL) that brings together three of their prima salamis with four accenting jerky sticks designed to take your mother’s mouth on a culinary adventure where elk, buffalo, venison, and boar roam.

Man Crates
Personalized Exotic Grand Bouquet

$79.99 at Man Crates

Nothing says “mother” like a bouquet of thongs

It is a righteous and deeply appreciated move to improve your loved ones’ underwear collection. Also, most people don’t know that May is the ripest time for the thong harvest! So if you’re married/partnered with a mom or someone who has a butt, go for this classic Hanky Panky underwear bouquet. It includes six long-stem, lingerie roses that were consciously grown to maturity by the sweet sounds of Sisqó (deep cuts only).

Hanky Panky
Signature Lace Low Rise Thong Bouquet of 12

$300 at Hanky Panky

She likes a project

Is your mom an engineer? A Capricorn? Then she’ll enjoy assembling her own bouquet with you out of LEGOs. With over 5,000 ratings and a 4.9-star review on Amazon, the brand’s signature “floral” bouquet is so special precisely because it’s a bonding activity wrapped-up in a gift, and there are accurate version of everything from California poppies to snapdragons in the arrangement.

Lego
Flower Bouquet 10280 Building Kit

$49.99 at Amazon

Your cradle was a walnut and your mother is a hedgehog

The glories of the goblincore lifestyle know no age, and no bounds, and all the logs. “Grow sweet, velvety oyster mushrooms with Howard Berk and Todd Pittard’s organic mushroom growing logs,” sing the slingers of this DIY log shroom situation. We dunno Howard nor Todd but sure, why not. 

Howard Berk and Todd Pittard
Oyster Mushroom Log Kit

$30 at Uncommon Goods

Ferrero her rocher

“Ordered this for my Mum for Mother’s Day,” writes one reviewer of this knock-out bouquet of Ferrero Rocher chocolates; “The seller kindly scheduled the delivery for as close to the day as possible. She loved it.”

Goat Gifts UK
Large Ferrero Rocher Chocolate & Flowers Hand-Tied Bouquet

$31.48 at Etsy

You come from a long line of mimes

Because sending mother what is basically a pop-up book of paper flowers is very charming and more price-accessible that a breathing bouquet, but it *is* medium to high-key mime behavior. There are a bunch of paper bouquets on Lovepop (yes, even tulips and delightful white daisies), but the wildflowers somehow feel like the perfect relaxed choice.

Lovepop
Wildflower Bouquet

$24 at Lovepop Cards

Eat the whole family

We might just order this bouquet to see if it’s real. The arrangement has been splayed with all meticulous aplomb of a serial killer, enigmatically named “Seafood Dance Bouquet” and includes crab legs, crayfish, shrimp, lemons, tomatoes, and something called “seafood sauce.”

Yay Bouquet
Seafood Dance Bouquet

$390 at Yay Bouquet

An army of Garfields

Just going to leave this here. Night-night!

CartoonBouquets
Garfield-Inspired Plush Stuffed Cartoon Bouquet

$97.84 at Etsy

Whatever you do, or don’t (please report back on the crawfish??): Don’t forget to call. 


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Tagged:

shopping, Mother's Day, Bouquet, ordering flowers online, gift

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