The Best Gifts for Cancers, Other Than a Napkin for Their Tears

Hiii. Cancer here. We’ve covered the gifting bases for all the other signs of the zodiac at VICE, from feral fire signs to hard-chiller earth babies, but now it’s finally time for our season in the sun (June 21 to July 22). Raise your claws and blast your Enya, because the hour has come for you to hold silent grudges, start competitively crying (with yourself; ideally in the mirror), and cooking a four-course meal for a lukewarm Hinge date. In the words of one Twitter user, “ngl cancer szn feels like a weighted blanket over me in a bad uncomfortable way.” 

As one of the zodiac’s three water signs, we Cancers are famously emotional beings who prioritize comfort and take pride in our home. We don’t need much—just your whole heart and several consecutive texts in a row every time we chat. (But we warned: When we need our space, we need it). Ruled by the moon, we crabs aren’t afraid to talk about our feels, and will rival even Leo when it comes to being a loyal friend or lover—unless we decide it’s time to stir up the gumbo pot, and throw a crabby little tantrum.  

Famous Cancers include Julius Caesar (peak vindictive, goo-goo-gaga energy), Lana Del Rey, (“High By The Beach,” hello??) and the always passionate Frida Kahlo. Unofficial Cancers include your sleep paralysis demon, all mochi desserts, and the glass of water you forgot about that now has a weird layer of dust on it. 

What to gift this sweet, impassioned crustacean? The best gifts for a Cancer should feel personal, and speak to their love of creature comforts, hosting their friends, and feeling like the center of your world. From fancy Icelandic candles to herbal pre-rolls and more, here are the best presents to coax them out of their shell. 

Who needs to be constantly coddled? Who needs to feel the safety, warmth, and embrace of a blanket 365 days a year? A Cancer, that’s who. IDC if it’s July, a true crab baby will blast the air conditioning unit and curl up in a Snuggie-esque blanket that treats them like the king they are. Case in point, this camouflage robe-blanket that will imitate the embrace of Ma Nature from the comfort of their couch.

… Or, for crustaceans with cuties, may we suggest this lumberjack-esque double slanket for binging Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

As a moody Cancer myself, I’m obsessed with this vibe-heavy Icelandic candle from Fischersund. The perfumery was co-founded by Jónsi of Sigur Rós, who—to no one’s surprise—is also an olfactory-obsessed dude. No. 23 is the house’s first and best-selling scent profile, a blend of aniseed, black pepper, tobacco seeds, and Icelandic sitka spruce that always gives me the feeling of what the Germans call Fernweh: a “longing for a place you've never been to,” and which the Fischersund team says captures the feeling of when “[a] feminine fountain pine tickles the top of your skull.” All of the candles are hand-poured and given wooden wicks, so you get the bonus ASMR experience of that fireplace-esque flicker.  

The promise of forever isn’t something you can make often, but you can do it with cast iron. Your beloved Cancer will appreciate the hearty nature of this pre-seasoned Lodge skillet, which has a 4.7-star average rating from over over 105,700 reviews on Amazon. “My favorite thing about cast iron [cookware] is the durability,” chef Isaac Toups told VICE. “You can bring it to the camp, and cook over an open fire. Use it to deep fry chicken in the back yard. Use it like a hammer, and other fun stuff.” Catch Cancer using this to serve up a Dutch baby for Sunday brunch, and as a (cathartic) pseudo-hammer for all their DIY projects. 

Your little crab loves nothing more than a dip in the salty sea, and Brooklinen’s artist-designed beach towels are 10% off. Each towel is made out of a unique velour and terry cloth blend to give you more fluff and absorbency than your average beach jawn. There is a handful of bright, graphic designs to choose from, but your Cancer will love all the NYC locals, from pigeons to the Statue of Liberty, on this mossy towel.    

The Brooklyn-based apothecary Anima Mundi makes the perfect herbal pre-rolls. They’re made with a relaxing, pensive blend of chamomile, mugwort, hemp flower, blue lotus, and more witchy herbs, and come in a classy glass jar that’s perfect for gifting. I always keep a jar on-hand for house guests, and enjoy a few puffs as part of my wind-down routine after a stressful day.

 Your precious shellfish also needs to protect their emotional support smokes (yes, they will call them that), chamomile or otherwise, so give them a swish new silver case with their initials engraved on the front.

Are you feeling it now, Mr. Krabs? It's the 90s nostalgia of a moon and star blanket—worthy of Sabrina, the Teenage Witch’s bedroom set dressing.

Taurus isn’t the only sign obsessed with feasting like a pro. If a Cancer has invited you to dinner, you can expect their Polish cabbage rolls to be served on cabbage ware plates (so meta) for an added touch of ambiance. This Bordallo Pinheiro set has a 4.7-star average rating on Amazon, and is *peak* cottagecore. 

There are so many excellent self-help books for money management, relationship guidance, and more, but only The Four Agreements makes us feel like a true woo-woo lord in the best way. Author Don Miguel Ruiz’s approach to fostering a more balanced, joyous life is informed by his take on ancient Toltec wisdom, and the book has a 4.7-star average from over 81,100 ratings on Amazon. Maybe don’t give this to a Cancer you just met, but an age-old friend will appreciate this written companion for diving even deeper into their feels. 

Those crabs have pincers for a reason, jabroni: They’re not afraid to get a little feisty. Don’t believe them? Just peep the spurs on their Crocs (and truck nuts!) as they walk away (once again avoiding confrontation).  

It’s a lamp, it’s a drink, it’s a lifestyle. This vintage, chrome dive bar lamp (the pit lights up!) would be a next-level gift for anyone who enjoys a dirty slurp of cold poison, but it will especially speak to your thirsty Cancer. 

… The Prodigy has never said this explicitly, but the crab on the cover of the iconic The Fat of the Land knows what’s up. 

Cancers are big babies, no question about it. But if you give us a chance, we can also make you giggle and kick your feet. Just take us on a fishing date, please?

See you when it’s time to rally (thank God) for Leo season!

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