The Best Birthday Gifts for Virgos, Other Than a 5-Year Plan

I personally call Virgo the “back to school sign” because its season (August 23–September 22) not only marks the return to the classroom, but Virgos are just a school of knowledge in and of themselves, and the kings of a self-starting attitude.

Virgo is the sixth sign of the western Zodiac, and is ruled by Mercury, which is the planet of communication. That means Virgos are both detail- and resolution-orientated, and they’re more likely to read and respect social cues than, say, a gregarious Sagittarius or an adrenaline-junky Aries. Remember that time (which is all times) when Virgo man Keanu Reeves posed oh-so-respectfully with women on the red carpet? Yes, the bar is on the floor—but leave it to a Virgo to raise it a little higher. 

Virgo will work harder than most other signs to both understand and set boundaries in the scheme of their larger plans of action, because these babies are planners (do NOT throw a surprise party; it will just stress them out) and helpers. Consider Fred Hampton and Agatha Christie [toots celestial air horn], two highly strategic, detail-oriented Virgos who knew how to help those around them feel grounded—ever the earth signs. 

Of course, that also means Virgo can be hardheaded and picky. There’s a good chance they’ll be the ones sifting through hundreds of Yelp reviews before picking a taco spot and spending hours in the unsolved crimes section of the bookstore. They’re also not always going to be objectively organized, despite the clichés around their sign’s general cleanliness, but rather committed to their own system of organization. And that system might be called Forgotten Recycling Mountain, or Specific Drawer of Forlorn Bills.

But you know what? We need a Virgo moment right now. In the post-Leo season hangover, Virgo swoops in with an Ibuprofen, a perfectly brewed cup of artisanal coffee, and a plan to set your intentions high for the coming fall season. That’s why we’re gifting our Virgos even more modes of organization, from outdoor accessories to aesthetic storage solutions and high-tech vibrators to fancy hand soaps. 

They probably don't believe in the powers of astrology (how Virgo of them), so let’s prove them wrong with a smattering of Virgo-centric, dually motivated presents...

You already know that Virgo is busy clearing out their summer closet for beanies, scarves, and other fall wardrobe essentials. Give them a helping hand assembling their new autumn ‘fit with a fresh beanie from Stüssy or a Carhartt and a workwear-inspired button-down.

The brand Legendary Whitetails makes one of the softest, most affordable plaid flannel shirts your clams can buy with a 4.6-star average Amazon rating from 76K+ reviews, including one stan who writes that it’s buttery soft, and “came out of the dryer looking great, [with no] wrinkle[s], no puckering” and no shrinkage. If your Virgo is more of a denim dude, Wrangler’s classic stonewash denim shirt is a lightweight fall wardrobe staple that won’t fray after a few washes, but has still has some “nice, durable fabric weight” according to Amazon reviewers.

What Virgo really wants is more information on what they already know to be the most interesting thing to know everything about. (Not that they need your help, or anything.) Virgo is the perpetual, low-key know-it-all ready to dish the facts—but a stunnah art book from the big TASCHEN sale that dives even deeper into their passion for iconic mid-century modern architecture, hip hop style history, and anything else they’ve corrected you on over the years will be greatly appreciated. 

Again, not all Virgos are organized, but all Virgos think that the way in which they “organize” works perfectly, and they’ll stick to it. Give them a few more building blocks to work with by finding some niche organizational items, such as bread and pastry boxes that will make their home feel like a bakery, wine glass holders for long, relaxing baths, and mini fridges for chilling serums, beer, and whatever else floats their boat.

Who’s up before everyone else on vacation, weighing out the coffee beans? Your Virgo of course. People get into coffee for different reasons, ranging from the rote caffeination station to building a savory, ritualistic experience. Virgo is in it for the most logical of reasons: Use the best goods, get the best taste. 

Even the most spontaneous of hook-ups with a Virgo will find you surrounded by their horny accessories. That means high-tech condoms and cleansing wipes for toys, bums, and whatever else needs prepping. It means bending over some sex furniture and playing with app-controlled vibrators and sex toys such as the Lioness, which will actually give you *data* on your orgasms. 

Virgo doesn’t necessarily have more hobbies than you, but they do come better prepared to maximize their enjoyment. If they’re hiking, they’re doing it with a sling for the ol’ Nalgene. If they’re stuck inside, they’re busting out the custom MLB cards.

Remember, Virgo is an earth sign. The chances that they will enjoy gardening are high, whether they have an elaborate outdoor garden bed situation or a few pothos plants climbing their fire escape. This pocket-laden garden tote bag has high-ratings on Amazon for its durability, while the metal and wood tool set comes in a bronze finish that looks expensive.

If anyone is taking a break from pounding the picklebacks this summer, it’s Virgo. Or, if anything, they’re going to be very down to supplement the boozy weekends with a little non-alcoholic, spritzy drinks from homegrown brands such as Ghia, which offers a smorgasbord of herbaceous, brain-massaging bubbles with natural flavors like “Lime & Salt” and “Sumac and Chili” that feel like giving your tongue a spa day. 

Remember: Virgos aren’t always cleaner than you. (Welllllllll. Have you ever seen the room of a weepy Cancer? Forget it.) They’re just into sticking to their own system of order and hygiene, even if it’s paradoxical (and why they’d benefit from a luxury soap-on-a-rope bar). I once knew a Virgo dude with the messiest house, but also a sharp knowledge of exactly where he left everything on the floordrobe and a bottle of Aesop soap in his busted-AF restroom.

If you’re celebrating Virgo with a sit-down meal (or your Virgo has some gourmand Taurus placements), bring them some tablescape accessories that will keep the vibe (and their fingers) immaculate, from Willie Nelson napkins to cowboy boot glassware.

Cheers to your Virgo, however anally retentive they may be. See you again come Libra season, the vainest fairest of them all. 

The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story. Want more reviews, recommendations, and red-hot deals? Sign up for our newsletter.