Board games and card games hold a special place in our hearts. They remind us of simpler times, like when Dad would get angry and flip over the game board when he wasn’t winning Clue, or when the drunk adults would viscously shame children who lost at Monopoly around the dinner table. But those days have come and gone, and we’re tired of the same old board games that we end up playing time and time again. We’re not here to knock Scrabble; we just wish it had more cum, you know? Chutes and Ladders is fun and all, but what if instead of focusing on, well, chutes and ladders, it took a more, say… “Catholic Reformation” approach to fun? (These are the things we think about.)
Whatever your board game of choice is, if you’re also sick of Candy Land and checkers, we’ve got you covered. We’re talking about games that revolve around golfing zombies, Christianity, burritos, and shit. (Literal shit.) Needless to say, these ain’t for the faint of heart. That’s OK, though—you’re tough. We can tell.
For the Midwesterns
We propose a self-proclaimed, bowel-busting game dedicated to potty humor that is listed as ideal for “immature people ages 8 to 88.” Huh. Anyways, the idea is to engage with different number two-themed cards and tasks to become “Poo King.”
These scented puzzles
Not a board game, but too sensory to pass up. Areaware makes all kinds of aesthetic gadgets and home trinkets, and their Roquefort puzzle takes the cake (or rather, cuts the cheese).
Gather thine apostles
This is marketed as a “non-competitive game to spark meaningful conversations about God and Christianity,” and we’re genuinely curious what the 103 “icebreakers” and “hot topics” are. Some hot goss from Corinthians? Divisive opinions on communion wafers? If that’s not your speed, you can always dunk on the children with some bible trivia flash cards. Amen, brother.
If you really want to stir the pot
Who is the *real* father of Christmas? You be the judge. This game has a four-star rating on Amazon, but its biggest hype-man is one of its lowest (one star) reviews: “It is sacrilegious—so I am discarding it—wish I would've known before I bought it–too much blasphem[y].”
“A Star is Porn”
This one stars Lady Gag Gag and Bradley Pooper, we assume, and trains you to become the best person in the adult pleasure biz by running your own porn movie studio, recruiting pornstars, and getting freaky.
Stop picking your nose (and pick someone else’s)
Before they graduated to spending hours in YouTube video extraction compilations, your coworker might’ve started out with Gooey Louie, the booger-yanking game that is, well, pretty intuitive. Just put your finger up his nose and try to fish out a booger. If you miss, you’ll make his brain explode. NBD.
An electrocution game
Technically not a board game, but who cares. So here’s how this works: You and up to three other people grab a joystick, push the big central button, and wait for menacing music to stop playing. At that point, it’s a race to smash your individual buttons, and the last to hit it gets a brief shock. How bad is it? One of our writers wrote an ~electrifying~ review.
If you like zombies and golfing
… Then you will enjoy The Golfing Dead, a board game about both that is touted as “fast, fun, and easy to play” with kids and/or adults and only takes about 20 minutes to complete. “You don’t have to strategize much, and refer to the instructions constantly,” writes one Amazon reviewer, “Quick play, creative, [and] cheeky cards.”
Test your hygge-ness
The Danish word "hygge" evokes a particular kind of hearthy coziness, and this game is meant to capture the whole vibe through 330 prepared, very hygge questions for you and your peeps. “Each smile-inducing inquiry helps create an atmosphere for storytelling and discussion during rainy nights indoors,” says retailer Uncommon Goods, and the questions range from “What's the most annoying sound?" to "What would be the title of your biography or autobiography?"
This one about the Reformation
“Here I Stand is the first card-driven game to prominently feature secret deal-making,” write the makers of this game about the 16th-century Catholic Reformation. We’re going to have to fact-check them on that one, but this game does have a five-star rating and promises of “backstabbing” and “true six-sided diplomatic struggle.” You know, just in case your parental relationships were finally starting to feel a little *too* stable.
NSFW: The Cum Face Game
You and a friend, enemy, or lover will be tasked with the challenge of pumping your respective plastic penises as fast as possible, and the first to squirt the opponent in the face (eye? mouth? this is really where you get to be creative) with the liquid of your choice, wins. Fill it with milk, water, Four Loko, you name it.
NSFW: The Oral Fun Board Game
This tagline for this game is—and we aren’t kidding—“the game of eating out whilst staying in.” Must we elaborate?
Now, go and enjoy the first game night of the rest of your lives.
The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story.