Putting the “Hell” in “hello!” today are these Halloween masks, which are so unhinged—no, really, some of the jaws unhinge—that we’ve completely dissociated our brains from our bodies to bring them to your humble, spooky fall porch.
We already feel like a human clam, so why not dress up like one? What better way to pay homage to Children of the Corn, as transplanted midwesterners, than to sport a deranged corn face around our local financial district? You know, just to make the banker bros shake in their lil’ puffers. Halloween masks are kind of like a hack in and of themselves when it comes to finding more unique costumes, because they’re all you need. No big get-ups, no complicated couples costumes; just you and a few ounces of latex that will make everyone who sees you say, “Nope.”
If you want everyone at the party to avoid you
Of course there's a coronavirus mask. Has any other monster been so scary as to dramatically transform society with the speed of this fugly little virus? "Set the mood with a head mask that depicts the infection in a microscopic spiked sphere rendering a large grotesque halloween mask—the spirit of Halloween in its essence," the description reads. Poetic!
A mask that will make other people wish they were wearing masks
Perfect for sitting too close to other people on public transportation.
We all scream…
Horrifying? Appetizing? Weirdly friendly? We're imagining a conference room full of people in suits brainstorming new mask ideas, and things getting deeper and deeper into WTF territory, until eventually, Ice Screamy Scary Adult Mask by Deja Boo emerged. Bonus points if you get this and play ice cream truck music out of a Bluetooth speaker everywhere you go.
Too many moving parts, or just enough?
Back in the late 90s [wheezes, hair turns gray], it felt like the Scream mask was enough to freak people TF out. Now, masks have movable jaws and tear-off faces revealing even more petrifying stuff underneath??? Kids these days…
Like I was saying…
Now it's not enough to look like Edgar from Men in Black; nope, now you've gotta have your skin peeling back, your jaw falling off, and a malevolent skeleton bursting out of your face. Great for small children to trick or treat and be answered with this.
Karens, the demons next door
This mask would like to speak to the manager, AND MAKE IT SNAPPY. Oh, don't you film me!
I'm gonna puke
A certain staffer at Rec Room lived with a roommate who owned this mask and kept it on display in the living room at all times. She blames that mask, personally, for COVID-19, murder hornets, and the barge getting stuck in the Suez Canal.
Punk is dead, actually
Do we think this dude listens to good punk—Discharge? Bad Brains?—or corny shit like The Casualties? Either way, that face makes us wanna run the other way.
You’re an introvert
Are you, though, clam face?? If you have a briny personality and a love of sitting at the bottom of the ocean floor with lantern fish, this is the mask for you. You’re gonna labia the way you look, I guarantee it.
You’re a big weeny
Something tells us the owner of the Vajankle may be partial to this one.
That’ll show ‘em
Yup, we are passive aggressive enough to spend our hard-earned dollars on something we already have, just to send an even bigger bird to The Man.
A new take on Spiderman
One of our editors thinks this ghastly abomination is kind of cute, though rest assured—reasonable people at your office’s Halloween party will vehemently disagree.
If you’re already lanky…
… Hit the streets as Slenderman. Not only do you already have a pseudo-face mask situation going with this mouth-less get-up, but you look like my worst creepypasta internet nightmare in the flesh. That, or one of the thumb dudes from Spy Kids.
The spins, personified
Jesus. But also, bravo. This is exactly what it feels like to no longer be able to pound down beer-and-shot combos without consequence, and there is nothing more frightening than an optical illusion, and a reminder that W E A R E O L D.
This Halloween, you’re the borscht
It’s about time you got some credit for sweating over the pierogi station this year. Plus, there’s no better side dish to accompany a plate of potatoes than some cigarette ash.
You’re just a hot mess
Who is Officer Francis, and why did he stick his face in the meat grinder? That’s for me to never know, and you to tell everyone at the party.
Your maiden name is Monsanto
Were you left in the vegetable bowl a little too long? Escape the compost bin? Or perhaps you came from the cursed seed of a GMO crop.
This too-realistic poodle face
Feel that? It’s a nice, chilling breeze from Uncanny Valley, brought to everyone at the party by you and your poodle mask. Pair it with a silk robe, and ask for a nice tall glass of milk to creep everyone out.
Fuck it, mask on.
The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story.